Two-Thirty in the Afternoon

[RiverNotch]

A flash of grey, a storm of dew:
the evening comes an hour too soon.
Umbrellas rise and schedules fall,
while blindness seems to cover all.

Thus fear-filled grows our constant path,
and we hear calls to turn about.
But chilly fingers cannot break
the eager fish from learning's lake!

So through the mist, my party goes:
our quest to get to lecture class.
And, in the end, we exit true,
successful, but with sickness new!

[Brownlie]

I guess I'll be cavalier with my comment here.

A flash of grey, a storm of dew: -- Flash of Grey? storm of dew? These phrases seem to evoke inexact images that can be tightened up to refer to something more clear.  
the evening comes an hour too soon.
Umbrellas rise and schedules fall,
while blindness seems to cover all.

Thus fear-filled grows our constant path, -- For me, the syntax is too awkward in this line. 
and we hear calls to turn about.
But chilly fingers cannot break
the eager fish from learning's lake! -- Not sure about this personification "learning's lake" (or that's what I'm calling it). 

So through the mist, my party goes:
our quest to get to lecture class.
And, in the end, we exit true,
successful, but with sickness new! -- Too much strange syntax (in my opinion).

I like the meter, that is always fun to me. I guess I would just say that the images need to be tightened up, and the syntax needs to be more "natural." Thanks for posting, it was fun. 

[RiverNotch]

Natural syntax? PFFFT
The primary source of amusement for me there is the overworked syntax (besides the meter and the rhyme)! But I agree with your other comment -- I need to tighten up the images. Or rather, make them BIGGER! I wanna make, like, a Bat out of Hell sort of shindig with this ('twas sorta th'intention).

Maybe:
"A storm of dew all wet and cold
devours the road and calls the night.
Umbrellas rise and schedules fall
like shrines to god-kings full of gall."

[tectak]

A flash of grey, a storm of dew:
the evening comes an hour too soon.
Umbrellas rise and schedules fall,
while blindness seems to cover all.

Thus fear-filled grows our constant path,
and we hear calls to turn about.
But chilly fingers cannot break
the eager fish from learning's lake!

So through the mist, my party goes:
our quest to get to lecture class.
And, in the end, we exit true,
successful, but with sickness new!

Hi river.
It is fun. Try writing a poem without the word "thus". You may go in to  cramps and sweat a lot but it will be worth it
You are becoming rhyme bound as in bondage. You might like it  but not everyone understands the need. To break a fish from a lake? We exit true (as against what?) with inverted vomiting?
To be honest, as should we all, I prefer due/soon, path/about and goes/class. At least these are not under pressure.
Once again I find my simple brain is not up to the task of determining with certainty what this is about but I suspect you were heading towards some accreditation by examination as a final destination. Storms and fish seem a mild deviation  but ho hum what matters it?
Best,
tectak

[RiverNotch]

Without the word "thus"? Sounds like a laxative.

The storm of dew and the sudden darkness and whatever is basically this thick, really really cold and wet mist that suddenly obscured our way to class that day (I sketched this while walking about about a year or half ago). The rhyme bondage is not something I'm gonna remove -- I like the generally silly air about forcing rhymes, at least in this case. Although for the sake of clearing things up, I'll change the descriptions and stuff.

And the fish is a silly, silly, silly metaphor. I'll keep with the fish, but I'll go for something with more sense -- say, salmon swimming up river? Because who doesn't love fish?

As for your suspicion, you're generally right. Just missed the mist being an impediment, s'all.

[tectak]

Without the word "thus"? Sounds like a laxative.

The storm of dew and the sudden darkness and whatever is basically this thick, really really cold and wet mist that suddenly obscured our way to class that day (I sketched this while walking about about a year or half ago). The rhyme bondage is not something I'm gonna remove -- I like the generally silly air about forcing rhymes, at least in this case. Although for the sake of clearing things up, I'll change the descriptions and stuff.

And the fish is a silly, silly, silly metaphor. I'll keep with the fish, but I'll go for something with more sense -- say, salmon swimming up river? Because who doesn't love fish?

As for your suspicion, you're generally right. Just missed the mist being an impediment, s'all.

Forget fish. Go for an errant spermatazoa seeking its way to the nearest fallopian tube. It ain't new but we've all been there
Best,
tectak

[RiverNotch]

We have?

How about an errant salmon seeking its way to the nearest fallopian tube?

EDIT, especially since I don't want this bumped yet: I'll be returning to this very soon, but to anyone still following, please don't expect any finished results. Removing the thus is like performing a tubal ligation, and I don't have a medical degree (yet?).