Heels

[Erthona]

Heels
 
After four days of teetering around on stilettos
draped in furs and diamonds
going to all the most glamorous events and parties,
rubbing elbows with A-listers
she didn't want to look at the foot
of the bed when she awoke
fearful she would find a crime scene.
She didn't dare try to stand by herself.
Where was that damn man
when you needed him
he'd certainly used her enough
(not that you could tell).
She couldn't get to her purse
where she kept her pain relievers 
and there was no damn alcohol at hand…
possibly room service
would get her the help she needed:
show some skin, hint at a promise.
She'd do anything for relief,
but no more damn heels.  
 
 
Erthona
 
©2015

[Tiger the Lion]

Hey Dale, I think this one could really benefit from some white space and some more punctuation for guidance. I realize the poor girl is breathless and part of that is reflected in the writing, but maybe shouldn't to the point of sacrificing clarity.

Heels
 
After four days of teetering around on stilettos without a comma here you have stilettos draped in furs...
draped in furs and diamonds,
going to all the most glamorous events and parties,
rubbing elbows with A-listers,
she didn't want to look at the foot
of the bed when she awoke,
fearful she would find a crime scene.

She didn't dare try to stand by herself.
Where was that damned man  same with all the damned damns
when you needed him?
He'd certainly used her enough
(not that you could tell).

She couldn't get to her purse
where she kept her pain relievers 
and there was no damn alcohol at hand…
possibly room service
would get her the help she needed:
show some skin, hint at a promise.
She'd do anything for relief,
but no more damn heels.  
 
 
Erthona
 
©2015

Hope some of that is helpful and at least partially correct. 
Paul

[Erthona]

Thanks for the correction Paul, I will use all

Dale

[Tiger the Lion]

Thanks for the correction Paul, I will use all

Dale

Was just reading up a little more on the whole damned thing and I have changed my mind. 
Since your use of "damn" is within a sort of dialogue, it is technically not incorrect. Further, it is likely far more familiar to both the speaker and the audience. Long story short "Damn" works better than "Damned" for this poem.

Paul

[Erthona]

"Was just reading up a little more on the whole damned thing and I have changed my mind."

--"just like a woman--
____________________________________________________

OK, I wasn't really even thinking of that damned one, more the punctuation, but yeah, I think it could go either way. Using it as part of the vernacular, such as "That's some damn fine soup you got there." "She is a damn fine woman." In such uses it is more of an interjection (verb), but in formal writing one would use the "damned" (adjective) as a character quality. That is to say, the person is in fact "damned", in a similar way that one would be "condemned".  

Do you concur?

Dale

[Tiger the Lion]

OK, I wasn't really even thinking of that one, more the punctuation, but yeah, I think it could go either way. Using it as part of the vernacular, such as "That's some damn fine soup ya got there." "She is a damn fine woman." In such uses it is more of an interjection (verb), but in formal writing one would use the "damned" (adjective) as a character quality. That is to say, the person is in fact "damned", in a similar way that one would be "condemned".  

Do you concur?

Dale

Yes. Good examples. Formally, "damn" could only be a verb and would have to follow the same rules as all the other dam verbs.

[milo]

OK, I wasn't really even thinking of that one, more the punctuation, but yeah, I think it could go either way. Using it as part of the vernacular, such as "That's some damn fine soup ya got there." "She is a damn fine woman." In such uses it is more of an interjection (verb), but in formal writing one would use the "damned" (adjective) as a character quality. That is to say, the person is in fact "damned", in a similar way that one would be "condemned".  

Do you concur?

Dale

Yes. Good examples. Formally, "damn" could only be a verb and would have to follow the same rules as all the other dam verbs.

In the listed uses it is an adjective or adverb respectively. 

[Barbito]

Heels
 
After four days of teetering around on stilettos
draped in furs and diamonds
going to all the most glamorous events and parties,
rubbing elbows with A-listers
she didn't want to look at the foot
of the bed when she awoke
fearful she would find a crime scene.
She didn't dare try to stand by herself.
Where was that damn man
when you needed him
he'd certainly used her enough
(not that you could tell).
She couldn't get to her purse
where she kept her pain relievers 
and there was no damn alcohol at hand…
possibly room service
would get her the help she needed:
show some skin, hint at a promise.
She'd do anything for relief,
but no more damn heels.  
 
 
Erthona

©2015

As I read this poem the only thing that comes to mind is " one night stand" and its dangers as encountered by a lady who lives a countionless lavish lifestyle.
I don't understand, what really causes her pain? If it left for the reader to find out, and it is the writers intention then it is good. But what is the cause of the pain because I have quite a few possibilities, emotional suffering like loneliness "Where was that damn man
when you needed him" or physical pain caused by abuse of that man "She couldn't get to her purse
where she kept her pain relievers".
Well it seems like both.
Like how this line was put, "(not that you could tell)." I think every (most) lady has a side of story like this, but no body really knows.

[RiverNotch]

Heels
 
After four days of teetering around on stilettos
draped in furs and diamonds
going to all the most glamorous events and parties, 
rubbing elbows with A-listers I read this pretty straightly: "After four days teetering around on stilettos draped in furs and diamonds going to all the most glamorous events and parties, rubbing elbows with A-listers". It's a pretty obtuse construction for me: the stilettos are draped in furs? The diamonds are party-goers? I think a good deal of punctuation, re-ordering, and perhaps even omission is in order here.
"After four days of teetering around on stilettos,
carrying all the finest (heaviest) furs, -- not entirely sure how to treat this line. Somehow, for me, this or the succeeding could be omitted.
going to all the most glamorous events
and rubbing elbows with the A-listers"
But the images are pretty great. The third line is a bit too long for my taste, though.
she didn't want to look at the foot
of the bed when she awoke Comma.
fearful she would find a crime scene. Nice. Maybe a colon or semicolon or em-dash or even comma at the end instead? I find the next sentence as a direct extension of all the ideas above. 
She didn't dare try to stand by herself.
Where was that damn man
when you needed him
he'd certainly used her enough
(not that you could tell). I'm kinda bothered by the general lack of punctuation here. Some commas and end-points are missing, while others are (conspicuously) there, and I can't think of a reason why they'd be so unevenly scattered about. 
"Where was that damn man -- although man here could be a more concrete word, I think, for the sake of clarity. Assistant or lover or something, instead?
when you needed him?
He'd certainly used her enough
(not that you could tell). -- I'm a bit unsure about what this parenthetical adds.
She couldn't get to her purse
where she kept her pain relievers  Maybe an actual name for a pain reliever here? That would definitely make this line sharper. And possibly a comma.
and there was no damn alcohol at hand… Em dash, instead? Ellipsis usually evokes for me a trailing off, if used like this, and the poem as the whole is too sharp to suddenly be so bogged down.
possibly room service
would get her the help she needed: This line's too long, for me. I think this could be shortened -- at this point, I imagine the woman's being a bit too woozy to still be so eloquent, especially with the ellipsis (em dash) of before, and the sudden brevity of the line just preceding. "could help:
show some skin,
make a promise."
show some skin, hint at a promise. As per the earlier suggestion, to build on the sudden feeling of weakness I got from the earlier three word line (and to give each thought of this line more punch), break this in two.
She'd do anything for relief,
but no more damn heels.  I love this ending, and I love the sharp air of tired, er, I can't think of the right word (it hangs between floozy, sleazy, stinky, and hungover) this whole poem presents. Needs a good deal of cleaning up for me, though, as per the comments.
©2015

[Mr. Creosote]

I am not going to help you one bit...because I just like it. What I like most is that the language of the character aligns with the character, the poet is not at front of the stage.

[tectak]

Heels
 
After four days of teetering around on stilettos
draped in furs and diamonds
going to all the most glamorous events and parties,
rubbing elbows with A-listers
she didn't want to look at the foot
of the bed when she awoke
fearful she would find a crime scene.
She didn't dare try to stand by herself.
Where was that damn man
when you needed him
he'd certainly used her enough
(not that you could tell).
She couldn't get to her purse
where she kept her pain relievers 
and there was no damn alcohol at hand…
possibly room service
would get her the help she needed:
show some skin, hint at a promise.
She'd do anything for relief,
but no more damn heels.  
 
 
Erthona
 
©2015

Hi Dale,
No, you do not always need to punctuate to perfection. Sometimes the first person characterisation is so strong that the third person narration is always going to come second in import. Still, there are images which teeter but do not fall. Like stilettos draped in furs
I can enjoy well described mundanity as much as the next man but I worry often that I miss something due to late onset autism...according to my wife.
I guess the dame just needs heel-balm. See, I'm shallow like that.
Overall, yes to this but it will be a hard act to follow...unless you can drag it out (pun) in to first person. Now that would be fun.
Of course, to square the circle...you do not always need to punctuate to perfection. After all, nobody's perfect.
Best,
tectak

[Erthona]

Wow, thanks guys. I've been away for a time and am just now getting back to this. Thanks for the feedback, and I will try to respond to it all as soon as I can. Did want to say to RN, I liked your idea about naming the medicine, and would have but I didn't know how to spell "Oxycontin" and didn't feel like looking it up at the time. I will definitely insert that in the edit, along with a number of other suggestions.

Thanks again to all,


Dale

[ellajam]

This has been a rough one for me. I like the play on heels, shoes and users, but the narrator holds as much interest for me as those TV celeb shows, none. I may be missing something, but I am missing it repeatedly, at the end I don't come out with much. Here are some notes.

Heels
 
After four days of teetering around on stilettos
draped in furs and diamonds
going to all the most glamorous events and parties,
rubbing elbows with A-listers These four lines set the scene nicely with a pleasant lilt.
she didn't want to look at the foot the foot is fun but the stop is awkward after the consistency of the opening.
of the bed when she awoke
fearful she would find a crime scene.
She didn't dare try to stand by herself. These lines are a good description of the end of a bender but I don't really care.
Where was that damn man
when you needed him
he'd certainly used her enough
(not that you could tell). This line says alot.
She couldn't get to her purse
where she kept her pain relievers 
and there was no damn alcohol at hand…
possibly room service
would get her the help she needed:
show some skin, hint at a promise.
She'd do anything for relief,
but no more damn heels.  I like this line, it sums up well, the lines above bore me.

I read the critiques as they were posted but not since, I know others saw plenty more in this, I just can't get past the surface. With most of the center cut I think it could be a witty turn, if it's more than that it is beyond me.
 
 
Erthona
 
©2015