Four Seasons Haiku

[heslopian]

the sound of spring, soft rain,
red coats - I wrap you up
and kiss your nose.

summer lives inside my head -
when you breathe, parks are built
and ice creams sold.

a single leaf on our bedstead,
noticed as you rip my shirt -
where did it come from?

as snow drenches the windowsill,
whispered arguments are heard -
I pick you up, kiss your navel.

[billy]

i'll do them one by one.

the sound of spring, soft rain,
red coats - I wrap you up
and kiss your nose.

the sound of spring, soft rain;
it feels a little like the season is being mentioned twice. soft rain could pass for a indication to a season normally the cut would come at he end of the first or second line. and it's really the only poetic device that should be used (if you see a cut as a poetic device.) "and" words etc, are okay but it should be as bare as possible and still be able to say the same thing. (it sholud if possible be the capture of a single image)


soft rains bring out red coats ( a "-" isn't always needed t show the cut, if at all)
i wrap you up
and kiss your nose

summer lives inside my head -
when you breathe, parks are built
and ice creams sold.

the 1st line is a metaphor
so is 2nd line,
(it is about an image when it should be an image)

ice cream in the park (ice scream is okay for the seasonal word, "summer')
you breathe
all the men sigh

a single leaf on our bedstead,
noticed as you rip my shirt -
where did it come from?

1st L single is redundant
2nd L no need for noticed if you've seen it then it's already a given.
3rd L that a leaf has fallen implies autumn the question becomes redundant.

a leaf on the bedstead
you rip my shirt
who cares about a leaf

as snow drenches the windowsill,
whispered arguments are heard -
I pick you up, kiss your naval.

as is redundant.


snow drenches the sill ( it can be a given the sill is the windowsill)
whispered arguments heard
I pick you up, kiss your naval.

i'm no expert jack so have a read around.

haiku are so easy to write wrong. it's one of the reasons why i call my haiku short poetry

for me the seasonal word needs to be a little more cryptic.
and the images a little tighter. once you get it you'll know. (jmo)

[heslopian]

i'll do them one by one.

the sound of spring, soft rain,
red coats - I wrap you up
and kiss your nose.

the sound of spring, soft rain;
it feels a little like the season is being mentioned twice. soft rain could pass for a indication to a season normally the cut would come at he end of the first or second line. and it's really the only poetic device that should be used (if you see a cut as a poetic device.) "and" words etc, are okay but it should be as bare as possible and still be able to say the same thing. (it sholud if possible be the capture of a single image)


soft rains bring out red coats ( a "-" isn't always needed t show the cut, if at all)
i wrap you up
and kiss your nose

summer lives inside my head -
when you breathe, parks are built
and ice creams sold.

the 1st line is a metaphor
so is 2nd line,
(it is about an image when it should be an image)

ice cream in the park (ice scream is okay for the seasonal word, "summer')
you breathe
all the men sigh

a single leaf on our bedstead,
noticed as you rip my shirt -
where did it come from?

1st L single is redundant
2nd L no need for noticed if you've seen it then it's already a given.
3rd L that a leaf has fallen implies autumn the question becomes redundant.

a leaf on the bedstead
you rip my shirt
who cares about a leaf

as snow drenches the windowsill,
whispered arguments are heard -
I pick you up, kiss your naval.

as is redundant.


snow drenches the sill ( it can be a given the sill is the windowsill)
whispered arguments heard
I pick you up, kiss your naval.

i'm no expert jack so have a read around.

haiku are so easy to write wrong. it's one of the reasons why i call my haiku short poetry

for me the seasonal word needs to be a little more cryptic.
and the images a little tighter. once you get it you'll know. (jmo)

Thanks for the feedback Billy I find it so hard to simplify my work; I'm quite a bombastic writer, it seems. I did worry that the summer one would be a metaphor.
The needless elongation is because I was trying to establish rhythm; another poetic device which I shouldn't have used. Ugh! Thanks again for your advice; I'll keep soldiering on with these, but not too often, as they may just be the death of me! I think I'll do what you do and call them short verse.

[billy]

keep at it, once yoiu get the hahang of it it should come easier.

one famous japanes poet (stuffed if i can recall his name) there are a 1000
poems (meaning haiku in a single image.)

whats really weird for me is that i do the haiku thinking it.s sort, to the point and filling the very few requirements and as soon as i post it i realize it isn't. it's like the haiku has the power to blind the writer