Uses for Paper (Revision 3)

[Todd]

Revision 3


The future is unwhispered
cranes, the origami language
of gingham-skirted oracles.

Just as a map cannot create a road
a clock cannot create time.

The horizon lies beyond
the vanishing point of steps.
To escape, you can only breathe

in the blue of the sky,
unfold in aerodynamic lines
and fly

~~~
Edit: milo, just some great editing suggestions on the whole. Thank you




Revision 2A (Alternate Choice)

The future is not whispered
cranes in the origami language
of gingham-skirted oracles.

A map cannot create a road,
nor a clock create time.
 
The horizon is always beyond
the vanishing point of steps.
To escape, you can only breathe

in the blue of the sky,
unfold in aerodynamic lines
and fly

~~~
Another possible path I am considering


Revision 2

Oracles would control the future
with their origami language of cranes.
 
They fold the horizon 
like a map, and you might believe
that maps create roads, or clocks time.

To escape, you must find
the vanishing point of steps; 
you can only breathe

in the blue of the sky, 
unfold in aerodynamic lines
and fly

~~~
Edit 2: RN, you have a good eye. I think your suggested changes are an enhancement. I made one other change in S2. I especially liked the comma you suggested after escape. Let's hope this version has shed its gimmicks. It's like your poem is infected with lice.

Revision

The oracles would control the future
with their origami language of cranes.
 
They would fold the horizon
like a map, and you might believe
 
that maps create roads,
or clocks time.
 
To escape you must find
 the vanishing point of steps.
 
You can only breathe

in the blue of the sky,
unfold in aerodynamic lines

and fly.
 
~~~


Original

The future is not unmoving 
cranes in the secret
origami language
of gingham skirted oracles.

It is also not to be found
in gray brick, or frozen

clocks.

The horizon cannot be pressed
into so small a square
to escape you can only breathe

in the blue of the sky,
unfold in aerodynamic lines

and fly.

[milo]

The future is not unmoving 
cranes in the secret
origami language
of gingham skirted oracles.

So, there is a grammar error here which unhinges it a bit.  In addition, after reading it a few times, I grew annoyed at the gimickey line breaks.  One or two in a poem that point to your central metaphor and everyone is applauding your cleverness as a poet and handing you plaques and canned hams but after a while they scream, "look at me, the clever poet!"

I liked "origami language".  With the strength of that, do you really need "secret"? You should probably hyphenate "gingham-skirted".  I wonder if you just wanted to use the word gingham in a poem.  As a whole, this section is over-weighted with modification.  There should be a way to say this simply and more elegantly.

It is also not to be found
in gray brick, or frozen

clocks.

"It is also not to be found" - this is pretty clunky.  The odd strophe break reminds me of leanne's clever "white space" white space but unfortunately, not in a flattering way as it feels unnatural here.  Certainly there is something to be said about the future not being found in clocks - what a great, simple statement you have trapped here almost impossible to find.

The horizon cannot be pressed
into so small a square
to escape you can only breathe

once again, there is cleverness here but it is trapped by clunkiness - "The horizon cannot be pressed into so small" - this is just clunky verbiage

in the blue of the sky,
unfold in aerodynamic lines

and fly.

So, I am quite in the air on this one.  The voice is wholly your own and it is one I have become quite used to and quite fond of reading. As well, there are some clever thoughts and turns of phrase here.  That being said, the modification feels overdone and the line breaks feel gimmickey.

[Leanne]

Hi Todd,

I find "It is also not to be found/ in gray brick..." quite awkward phrasing -- I'd suggest "Nor is it to be found" instead, to take greater advantage of assonance. I also think the grammar is just a little too convoluted in the "horizon" strophe; the problem might be solved by rewording "so small a square" but I haven't got a very satisfactory suggestion just now. I love the enjambment between "breathe" and "in the blue of the sky", giving ambiguity by virtue of a pause and then bringing it to a resolution like a sigh.

Would "gingham-skirted" be better?

I like it and am intrigued -- I get a post-atomic feeling from this, with the Sadako story.

[Todd]

The future is not unmoving 
cranes in the secret
origami language
of gingham skirted oracles.

So, there is a grammar error here which unhinges it a bit.  In addition, after reading it a few times, I grew annoyed at the gimickey line breaks.  One or two in a poem that point to your central metaphor and everyone is applauding your cleverness as a poet and handing you plaques and canned hams but after a while they scream, "look at me, the clever poet!"

I liked "origami language".  With the strength of that, do you really need "secret"? You should probably hyphenate "gingham-skirted".  I wonder if you just wanted to use the word gingham in a poem.  As a whole, this section is over-weighted with modification.  There should be a way to say this simply and more elegantly.

It is also not to be found
in gray brick, or frozen

clocks.

"It is also not to be found" - this is pretty clunky.  The odd strophe break reminds me of leanne's clever "white space" white space but unfortunately, not in a flattering way as it feels unnatural here.  Certainly there is something to be said about the future not being found in clocks - what a great, simple statement you have trapped here almost impossible to find.

The horizon cannot be pressed
into so small a square
to escape you can only breathe

once again, there is cleverness here but it is trapped by clunkiness - "The horizon cannot be pressed into so small" - this is just clunky verbiage

in the blue of the sky,
unfold in aerodynamic lines

and fly.

So, I am quite in the air on this one.  The voice is wholly your own and it is one I have become quite used to and quite fond of reading. As well, there are some clever thoughts and turns of phrase here.  That being said, the modification feels overdone and the line breaks feel gimmickey.

Milo, it's critiques like yours that make me so happy to be a part of a workshop that cares first and foremost about the poem. I appreciate the time you spent, and I think you've caused me to reflect on something I might do in early drafts (and this is certainly one of those). If I see that the poem is overproduced that may be a sign that I need to pare it down savagely. It's funny I rage on this in my own critiques because I think it reflects a lack of trust in the image, or a lack of clarity in what you're trying to say. I'm so thankful for another pair of eyes that can see that blind spot for me. I'll reflect and do a rewrite. 

Very much appreciated,

Todd

[Todd]

Hi Todd,

I find "It is also not to be found/ in gray brick..." quite awkward phrasing -- I'd suggest "Nor is it to be found" instead, to take greater advantage of assonance.  I also think the grammar is just a little too convoluted in the "horizon" strophe; the problem might be solved by rewording "so small a square" but I haven't got a very satisfactory suggestion just now.  I love the enjambment between "breathe" and "in the blue of the sky", giving ambiguity by virtue of a pause and then bringing it to a resolution like a sigh.  

Would "gingham-skirted" be better?

I like it and am intrigued -- I get a post-atomic feeling from this, with the Sadako story.

Leanne, again like I said to milo above, thank you for the feedback and the help. I will look at the grammar and the awkward areas and try to address them on rewrite. We all want to read great poems every time. So, hopefully the rewrite can get me closer. So, appreciate you weighing in. It's very helpful.

Thank you,

Todd

[Todd]

From the critiques, I chose to pare down to the essentials and made some other changes. Hopefully, this is a step forward.

[RiverNotch]

Revision

Uses for Paper

The oracles would control the future
with their origami language of cranes. Great first two lines, though I don't think the article for oracles is needed here (seems to demand an unnecessary sort of specification), and I don't see the significance of "of cranes". Besides being a typical arrangement in origami, what do those cranes mean? I keep remembering the story of Ibycus, but that's probably just a confusion of symbols.
 
They would fold the horizon I don't think "would" for these two sentences is needed, either. I would  think that oracles already do so regardless of anything.
like a map, and you might believe
I feel uncomfortable with the stanza break here. The following ideas don't look like they need this sort of highlighting. I love the sentiment, though.
that maps create roads,
or clocks time.
 
To escape you must find Maybe a comma before "you"? Just feel that that break in the words would be a fair enhancement of the "escapey" quality of escape.
 the vanishing point of steps. Maybe a colon or a semicolon? The following sentence seems very well-connected to this one. The evocation of art here is a brilliant connection with the paper, though.
 
You can only breathe

in the blue of the sky,
unfold in aerodynamic lines

and fly. This last sentence is beautiful. The spaces between these last stanzas feels somehow gimmicky to me, though.  Maybe connect "You can only breathe" to the earlier stanza (the isolation doesn't do anything for it, I think), and connect "and fly" to its earlier?


Overall, I think you ended up saying more with what you have (with "vanishing point" being a highlight new image for me, and with "oracles" pulling this story into a stronger context [I immediately thought of Greek Drama and all it implies with that word, which is a neat trick -- you might consider directly pointing at that if you plan to add more stuff to this]) so for me this is definitely a step to Paradise.

[Todd]

Revision

Uses for Paper

The oracles would control the future
with their origami language of cranes. Great first two lines, though I don't think the article for oracles is needed here (seems to demand an unnecessary sort of specification), and I don't see the significance of "of cranes". Besides being a typical arrangement in origami, what do those cranes mean? I keep remembering the story of Ibycus, but that's probably just a confusion of symbols.
 
They would fold the horizon I don't think "would" for these two sentences is needed, either. I would  think that oracles already do so regardless of anything.
like a map, and you might believe
I feel uncomfortable with the stanza break here. The following ideas don't look like they need this sort of highlighting. I love the sentiment, though.
that maps create roads,
or clocks time.
 
To escape you must find Maybe a comma before "you"? Just feel that that break in the words would be a fair enhancement of the "escapey" quality of escape.
 the vanishing point of steps. Maybe a colon or a semicolon? The following sentence seems very well-connected to this one. The evocation of art here is a brilliant connection with the paper, though.
 
You can only breathe

in the blue of the sky,
unfold in aerodynamic lines

and fly. This last sentence is beautiful. The spaces between these last stanzas feels somehow gimmicky to me, though.  Maybe connect "You can only breathe" to the earlier stanza (the isolation doesn't do anything for it, I think), and connect "and fly" to its earlier?

Thank you for the time you spent and your comments. I think you make some good points, especially on the strophe reshaping and some of the cuts. I will give what you mention full consideration on rewrite. 

Much appreciated,

Todd

[Todd]

Is it wrong to want to remove the period at the end of the poem, even though it technically belongs there?

[Leanne]

Putting the period there is a prose convention that we adopt out of familiarity. Take it away if it pleases you, as you have reason to.

[milo]

Revision 2

Oracles would control the future
with their origami language of cranes.
 
They fold the horizon 
like a map, and you might believe
that maps create roads, or clocks time.

To escape, you must find
the vanishing point of steps; 
you can only breathe

in the blue of the sky, 
unfold in aerodynamic lines
and fly

~~~
Edit 2: RN, you have a good eye. I think your suggested changes are an enhancement. I made one other change in S2. I especially liked the comma you suggested after escape. Let's hope this version has shed its gimmicks. It's like your poem is infected with lice.

so . . . the newer version is definitely cleaner but, as a reader, I think I prefer the spark of the original.

I think the introduction of "oracles would control the future" is problematic for 2 reasons:

1. Why would?  Is there a conditional that is never introduced?
2. Who are these oracles?  I thought I knew (or could guess anyway) before with gingham-skirted but now i am lost.

"Origami language of cranes" - hmm  is it really a "language of cranes"?  I think i know what you are going for but it was better before, you were mostly just missing an action verb - perhaps "spoken" or some such.

I like the idea of maps creating roads and of clock creating time - these are nice concepts that could really use some more development or at least focus.

Sorry I am not being more helpful.

[Todd]

Revision 2

Oracles would control the future
with their origami language of cranes.
 
They fold the horizon 
like a map, and you might believe
that maps create roads, or clocks time.

To escape, you must find
the vanishing point of steps; 
you can only breathe

in the blue of the sky, 
unfold in aerodynamic lines
and fly

~~~
Edit 2: RN, you have a good eye. I think your suggested changes are an enhancement. I made one other change in S2. I especially liked the comma you suggested after escape. Let's hope this version has shed its gimmicks. It's like your poem is infected with lice.

so . . . the newer version is definitely cleaner but, as a reader, I think I prefer the spark of the original.

I think the introduction of "oracles would control the future" is problematic for 2 reasons:

1. Why would?  Is there a conditional that is never introduced?
2. Who are these oracles?  I thought I knew (or could guess anyway) before with gingham-skirted but now i am lost.

"Origami language of cranes" - hmm  is it really a "language of cranes"?  I think i know what you are going for but it was better before, you were mostly just missing an action verb - perhaps "spoken" or some such.

I like the idea of maps creating roads and of clock creating time - these are nice concepts that could really use some more development or at least focus.

Sorry I am not being more helpful.

No you're being helpful. There's always a tension between the spark of a poem and the execution of a poem. Like I said earlier these revisions were an attempt to strip to the essentials, which had me rethinking some of the ideas. As funny as this may sound, I'here's still a good possibility this could shift again pretty heavily. I asked a lot of does this really matter to the reader type questions. I think it's all part of the creative process. Now the question for me will be, "is milo right? has the spark of the poem been damaged? Where do I feel that spark is really located, and is the theme working the way I want it to?" That will just require some thought. I see revision as the original pulling against the new in a sort of tug of war. We'll see where it goes. Thanks for coming back. I appreciate the feedback.

Best,

Todd

[Todd]

I don't always put parallel paths down for revisions, because it could drive critics insane.
So from the original I wasn't sure if gingham-skirted was going to far. When I think about where the spark or force of the poem is, it might be in its negation, and maybe the tension in the horizon strophe. The only things I knew had to go were the brick and frozen element added to the clock. I've put a Rev 2A up also just to look at it, and see if it maybe puts back something that might help. This may have to sit for a bit at this point.

[milo]

so, i know you are thinking of putting this aside for a bit and that you are probably tired of seeing me in this thread but, like your second cousin that "just stopped in for a beer" i thought I would just grab one more "for the road"

Revision 2A (Alternate Choice)

The future is not whispered
cranes in the origami language
of gingham-skirted oracles.

First, let me say that I like this better.  It has returned to a high interest level but the verbiage is cleaner.  I wonder if you considered:


The future is unwhispered
cranes, the origami language
of gingham-skirted oracles.

A map cannot create a road,
nor a clock create time.

so here, I think these two should be tied together.  The first is more obvious than the second so you could create a dependent relationship.  Something like:


Just like a map cannot create a road
a clock cannot create the time


or something like that.

The horizon is always beyond
the vanishing point of steps.
To escape, you can only breathe

do you need "always"?


perhaps "only" too?

in the blue of the sky,
unfold in aerodynamic lines
and fly

~~~

the rest seems pretty good to me.  Nice to see you still working on it.

[Todd]

milo, unwhispered is so good. It accomplishes what my choice does, but has a more ethereal quality to it. It also improves the line break for me. I appreciated your other comments, but that one in particular was a really fine suggestion.

Thank you,

Todd