Atman

[thebrokeanarchist]

Atman




On your right,
said the docent,

You will see a man reposed
Against an oak.


His wizened face
catching the dense shade
from the wooded canopy

but the path beneath him is lit




And on your left
you may find a past

there is much there
a landfill of memory




Keep your eyes closed
mind open
and we may spot the future



It’s rumored to dwell in these woods

[Todd]

I'm not an expert on what feels like a Hindu meditation or allegory. I'll still make an attempt. The title does a good job of fixing us in the right frame of mind to approach the poem. Even with out it you would get a sense of the ideas as this feels like a spiritual allegory or parable of sorts. Some comments below on the execution.

Atman




On your right,
said the docent,

You will see a man reposed
Against an oak.--The capitalization feels out of place given how you've handled the rest of the lines.


His wizened face
catching the dense shade
from the wooded canopy

but the path beneath him is lit--something out of step with nature, more of a way of saying he is on the right or correct path. His way of life is correct, or at least that's how I took it. That said, I think you need to find a way to imply the lit path in another way maybe the sunlight through the branches marking out the steps (staying with the image). I think these types of poems work better as meditations which lose their force if they are laid bare in the interpretation.




And on your left
you may find a past--I realize that all of this right and left could be pointed at the same speaker. I think the poem though really loses some force here. We need to see another man not an abstract past or a later landfill of memory. We need the contrast to have the same look at this feel that the first part had.

there is much there
a landfill of memory




Keep your eyes closed
mind open
and we may spot the future--the future feels too abstract too, and not the right payoff (subjective on my part I know).



It’s rumored to dwell in these woods

Obviously just things to consider. I hope some of it helps.

Best,

Todd

[thebrokeanarchist]

I'm not an expert on what feels like a Hindu meditation or allegory. I'll still make an attempt. The title does a good job of fixing us in the right frame of mind to approach the poem. Even with out it you would get a sense of the ideas as this feels like a spiritual allegory or parable of sorts. Some comments below on the execution.

Atman




On your right,
said the docent,

You will see a man reposed
Against an oak.--The capitalization feels out of place given how you've handled the rest of the lines.


His wizened face
catching the dense shade
from the wooded canopy

but the path beneath him is lit--something out of step with nature, more of a way of saying he is on the right or correct path. His way of life is correct, or at least that's how I took it. That said, I think you need to find a way to imply the lit path in another way maybe the sunlight through the branches marking out the steps (staying with the image). I think these types of poems work better as meditations which lose their force if they are laid bare in the interpretation.




And on your left
you may find a past--I realize that all of this right and left could be pointed at the same speaker. I think the poem though really loses some force here. We need to see another man not an abstract past or a later landfill of memory. We need the contrast to have the same look at this feel that the first part had.

there is much there
a landfill of memory




Keep your eyes closed
mind open
and we may spot the future--the future feels too abstract too, and not the right payoff (subjective on my part I know).



It’s rumored to dwell in these woods

Obviously just things to consider. I hope some of it helps.

Best,

Todd

Wow, that was really helpful, thank you!! I realize that may come off incredibly sarcastic, and I did not mean it that way at all. I really appreciate the help, you made some great points and I will get back to revising this. Thanks!!

[RiverNotch]

Atman

On your right,
said the docent,

You will see a man reposed
Against an oak. straight question: what's the significance of the oak? with that title, i would think that a bo tree would be more appropriate. 

His wizened face
catching the dense shade
from the wooded canopy a comma might clean up the boundary between the two lines. and i think the from here should be of

but the path beneath him is lit i feel like the contrast between the dense shade and the brightly lit path should be more explicit. i sort of agree that this line is a bit too didactic to hit as punchily, but i for one don't really mind -- you could try to hide this, though, integrating the lit path using a more natural object.

And on your left
you may find a past maybe a more straightforward parallel? usually, dichotomies like these present a comparison of two things, "on your right is a woman, on your left is a man". or at least, if not that, you could make this whole more concrete -- the suddenness of the abstraction, for me, robs this part of its potential power.

there is much there
a landfill of memory

Keep your eyes closed
mind open
and we may spot the future not-very-literary comment: though spotting the future is an important thing, i would say, at least with my rather not-so-deep knowledge of the atman, that something more profound should be spotted here, something that much more strongly evokes a sense of oneness, of unity, i suppose is being very subtly presented through the forest. proper crit: if the "on your left" thing was more concrete, this stanza's significance would seem more enlightening.

It’s rumored to dwell in these woods again, if the "on your left" thing continued to present a concrete image of the woods, i think these last lines maybe more powerful.

[Shem]

Words of the old guide:

On your right, [On this side(?)]                                               |    Separation of points/ideas
  you will see a man                                                               |   Right side counterpoints
  against an oak,                                                                    |   Left side, could be this side,
his wizened face                                                                   |    or that side, the other side,
  cooling in the dense shade,                                                   |   which could be more dramatic
underneath the wooded canopy. [Canopy creates shade]          |    more mysterious, more
                                                                                           |    divisive, where is right and
His way is understood.    [ The spacing/language here               |   left in this “place?” compass
          gives strength and balance to “It’s rumored…”]              |   please! wink!!!
The guide continues:                                                             |    1 voice [guide],
                                                                                           |    2 Characters, [guide, man]
On your left, [On the other side(?)]                                       |     “landfill’ sounds derogatory
 you will find a past,                                                             |     I’d try to come up with
 a landfill of memory                                                             |    something more neutral
 where much does exist. [I’ve redone this line to cut redundancy, and give relevancy to
                                    “memory”, there, could be anywhere, vs. being]
Keep your eyes closed,                                                          |    1st hard consonant opening a  
        your mind wide open,                                                     |   line k here looks brilliant as
  we then will see the future.                                                  |    it sharply breaks the ideas of  
                                                                                            |   “right and left” it phonetically
It’s rumored to dwell in these woods.                                      |    opens a new chapter!
________________________________________________________________________

Well, I’ve really butchered this, forgive me, but this is how I’d rework it [2 more words, 6 more syllables ( from original count)] , yet I’ve changed some words. I also added some indentation for both aesthetic purposes, and to allow greater pausing between lines or thoughts that one may wish to emphasize. It’s -sounding board- material only.  

Your title Atman suggests an oriental flavor while your words/phrasing seem rather occidental, though mystical. This is not so unusual, it is very difficult to live in one culture, and imitate another. However, your message, your concept, or structure maybe, of looking in two directions, has an ancient depth found in the god Janus [Western] who “keeps” over changes and new beginnings. You can find more about him on the internet, but his symbol is of two faces together, that are looking in opposite directions. Might fit nicely either as your tile, or as additional information to use, something to think about.

Personally, I would brainstorm/meditate on where that man is going in his future, or in the future. This might give you some more ammunition to fill out on your ideas. Perhaps you could expand on the right-left idea [give them so more meat], as well as where that future might lead?