Promised Land

[Shem]

Promised Land

Out where the edge of the woods  
meets the grass growing wild,
Katie took me by the hand
and whispered in my ear-
I've heard of the Promised Land
where no one steps  
to either side
without their taking on a stand.

In tender quiet tones,
she said to me,
are you the wood,
or will you take me
where the grass begins,
where I have heard
there flows sweet-
love-
like milk and honey?

I said Katie dear,
I just don't know,
how do you get there from here
without having known
the darkness of the wood?
Will the wine of the milk
and richness of the honey
taste so...as it does,
if one has never known
the darkness of the wood?
She said, ya know
I used to think
that you were pretty silly
'cause I could keep you
in the wood
of me,
but now I see
we ought to run
across the hills
in sunshine,
just to let you feel
why I see you now...
not so silly,
as to 'ave seen,  
the Promised Land
in me.

What a time we had that day,
she a prancing through the meadow,
her mane flowing by her breeze,
beckoning me to chase her
all these years,
not out to the tall grass
but in throughout the trees,
as she played endlessly
her games of hide and seek.

In tempered voice she spoke-
Now having run the gauntlet
yet unmatched my prince,
possess me closely
if you can,
for I now will to be
your untrodden princess-queen!

Oh, my dearest damsel do you play
such fairest maiden in distress?
Where are you,
where are you,
now sweet Katie,
huntress of the wood,
lost to all who seek with eyes
what riches hide within
like treasured jewels,
where I not blinded by the mystery,
then would I be King?

Right here under your nose
gallant prince,
sweet Cyrano,
beneath my balcony
a dance of veils intrigues,
which binds you in my spell
of mystery every night,
what jewels could never be!

Come save me!
from the darkness
that surrounds us here,
to where the tall grass
paints like brushstrokes
of the morning sun
a dance it owns
while billowing over
by the wind.

Come hither fair maiden
and let me sweep you away
to where the lightness streaks
the meadows where we have played,
and let me save you,
temptress archer
spilling loves sweet honey
when you please
across the tall grass,
and the wooded leaves,
what bright future's dreams
lay in mind awaiting,
stillness from the dark,
by a becoming
that doth beckons,
of the Promised Land,
inside of you
for me.

[Forestdawn]

Powerful piece Shem:

I reread it several times. The two lovers entwined in the possibility of finding the promise land. and yet the promise land was inside them all along. The message in the poem was visually strong, and meaningful. almost like a heartfelt romance of Romeo and Juliet. The structure of the poem was steady and flowed evenly, It lured me into the depths of it.

Thank you for sharing

Forestdawn

[Magpie]

Hi,

I'm really struggling to get anything from this poem primarily because of the way it is structured. Centre justification is rarely justified because it really makes the it so much harder to read, it may look pretty but it is so distracting. The rare occasion where it can actually work is in 'concrete poetry' ie poetry in which the visual form is used to convey meaning.

The other issue I see which also is making it difficult to read is the construction of sentences. It appears that the majority of stanzas are to be taken as whole sentences, which considering the length of some of them is hard to digest. Because it is your poem then it is easier for you to read it through without stumbling here and there but to a person coming to it fresh it adds a whole lot of effort to be able to navigate it correctly to the end.

I do see possibilities within the content that could work well, but I would first suggest an edit to remove centre alignment and then to have a look at your sentence structure, once this is done I think that the poem will more likely get more comments that would be related to your content.

Thanks for the read,

Mark