Doubt (Revised)

[Mr. Creosote]

A dull scalpel tears the flesh of myth
Digging to find the hidden relief under the layers of soft humanity
Conviction’s twisted filaments obscure and distort
How to dissect reality from fable without cutting one’s self?


Original

A scalpel that loosens the flesh of myth
Constantly digging to find the hidden relief under the layers of soft humanity
It faces the tough sinew of unyielding conviction
Conviction’s twisted filaments obscure and distort
How to dissect reality from fable without cutting one’s self?

[Shem]

As you have a free verse beginning here, meaning your ideas are flowing more than your concern for the gritty details, what would you think about something still not tied to details, but more in the way of tightening thoughts, aesthetic perception to name a few. Ask yourself... can a scalpel loosen, sure, I suppose, but what are scalpel’s known to do... cut! If you tightened your most dramatic opportunity to "hook" the reader, would it sound more intriguing if you were cutting, slicing, tearing through curiosity with your scalpel, your time ripping implement of discovery, or would you prefer to read that your scalpel were kind of fishing on the riverbank, taking it easy as it "loosens the flesh" of pre-history, of myth. Words are your tools, as much as a scalpel might be a tool. They can help you, or they can really help you. So, it might just be that, that scalpel wants to be a scalpel, and cut! Maybe that line really wants to sing, it wants to tell the world its going to cut! Cut, into the very fleshy meat of time ridden ways, of gargantuan tales.

The scalpel cuts through the flesh of myth,   [scalpel is your object, why not THE scalpel, not just "A" scalpel]
constantly digging to find the hidden relief    [whether relief is a play on one of its meanings or not this works]
under the layers of soft humanity.

It’s a start, something to consider, nothing major.

[Mr. Creosote]

Shem, thanks for the feedback. You are the first to give me feedback on the site and I really appreciate it.

I completely agree on "cut" word versus "loosen". Loosen is a lazy word and unfortunately I was lazy on the first line.

[Todd]

Hi Mr. Creosote, 


Let's build a bit on the critique you've already received. Let's continue to look at the word choices. You do a good job with your title. When your title is simple like "Doubt" and you expand on the idea through good imagery you uncover a lot of creative freedom because the simple title grounds the concept and pulls it all together.

A scalpel that loosens the flesh of myth--Fully agree with "The scalpel" and "cuts" You could also remove "that"
Constantly digging to find the hidden relief under the layers of soft humanity--Is digging the right word? I would associate that with something like an ice pick, more of a piercing tool than a cutting one. Maybe slicing. Also, most words like constantly just weigh down the line you could probably cut it. This also may work better in present tense "slices"
It faces the tough sinew of unyielding conviction--you have to be careful with these constructions like "of unyielding conviction" attaching a characteristic to the sinew without developing the idea in the image itself is a bit of cheat and largely unsatisfying as a payoff. It feels more artificial than it should.
Conviction’s twisted filaments obscure and distort--Another thing to watch out for  ____ and _____ There is usually a better word that will encapsulate the ideas than two words.
How to dissect reality from fable without cutting one’s self?--Ending on a question isn't the strongest choice.

I hope some of that was helpful. This is a good idea I think that could be tightened up some.

Best,

Todd

[Mr. Creosote]

Hi Mr. Creosote, 


Let's build a bit on the critique you've already received. Let's continue to look at the word choices. You do a good job with your title. When your title is simple like "Doubt" and you expand on the idea through good imagery you uncover a lot of creative freedom because the simple title grounds the concept and pulls it all together.

A scalpel that loosens the flesh of myth--Fully agree with "The scalpel" and "cuts" You could also remove "that"
Constantly digging to find the hidden relief under the layers of soft humanity--Is digging the right word? I would associate that with something like an ice pick, more of a piercing tool than a cutting one. Maybe slicing. Also, most words like constantly just weigh down the line you could probably cut it. This also may work better in present tense "slices"
It faces the tough sinew of unyielding conviction--you have to be careful with these constructions like "of unyielding conviction" attaching a characteristic to the sinew without developing the idea in the image itself is a bit of cheat and largely unsatisfying as a payoff. It feels more artificial than it should.
Conviction’s twisted filaments obscure and distort--Another thing to watch out for  ____ and _____ There is usually a better word that will encapsulate the ideas than two words.
How to dissect reality from fable without cutting one’s self?--Ending on a question isn't the strongest choice.

I hope some of that was helpful. This is a good idea I think that could be tightened up some.

Best,

Todd

Thanks Todd...

Just to answer a few of your thoughts...

I used digging very intentionally. First as an image, digging in flesh is a messy affair I am sure. Secondly as connected to history and myth digging up the past, archeology, exposing it to light (the light of reason?). I tried several other words there and was dissatisfied.

I felt the metaphor of the body (flesh) was stated well enough to make sinew = conviction. Sinew being stubborn near to the bone connective tissue that is neither soft human flesh or hard bone (the bone being reality, reason, truth).

I agree with the comment on the last line. It is a hard part for me. I want to introduce obliquely the idea of self-doubt in the face of conviction.

[Todd]

I hear what you're saying about sinew = conviction. The point I'm making is that if the metaphor is stated well enough to show that then "It faces the tough sinew" should be enough to convey unyielding conviction on its own. If what you say is true then the reader will still get the sense of conviction without you adding the phrase.

I'm not arguing with you. I'm just making sure that my point is coming across. I think when "It faces tough sinew" does equal the connection to conviction on its own you've done enough work.

I mean we can disagree on this of course, but that's my point when I say that it's sort of a cheat.

Best,

Todd

[Todd]

Oh sorry I meant to add this if digging is the right word, is scalpel then the right word?

[Mr. Creosote]

Oh sorry I meant to add this if digging is the right word, is scalpel then the right word?

Ok, now I get what you were saying about the sinew line, too explicit...the strength of the metaphor should make the implication.

Thanks, I have a couple of ideas.

[RiverNotch]

Punctuation and grammar would do this wonders, I think. Also simplification. A thing is already hidden when you have to dig for it; why does the scalpel have to be dull?; sinews is a sharper word than filaments, and I think this poem needs to be sharp; and the last question sounds, er, weird (I suggest dissing it -- it doesn't add anything into this short subject anyway). Cool first image, though, and being a Biology student with a certain love of myth, this poem really speaks to me (I see my sickle-bladed scalpel cutting through a cat's pectorantibranchialis....)

A dull scalpel tears the flesh of myth
Digging to find the hidden relief under the layers of soft humanity
Conviction’s twisted filaments obscure and distort
How to dissect reality from fable without cutting one’s self?

Alternative take:
"My scalpel tears the flesh of myth,
digs to find relief 
under layers of soft flesh,
but conviction's twisted sinews [obscure, distort]"

From the perspective of my comparative vertebrate anatomy class, when you're cutting something open, the sinews beneath don't exactly distort unless you do something wrong, and for the most part they're where they're supposed to be (unless the subject is sick, but I don't see that implication here) -- the sinews are at their places, so it comes off as the fault of an ill-educated student that the sinews seem to "obscure and distort". 

---

Furthermore -- I think that last question's idea, as a summary, would be better placed in the title, which currently says nothing.