Release by William Marsland. (in the archaic style)

[billy]

Weeping, weeping; as awoke from slumber
knew I, your form, and felt it with the dawn
silhouetted dreams, I could not cumber
lay crowd to onslaught; visions beauty borne

vague and wondrous; conceptuality
danced and dallied, carried upon a stream
woven by Morpheus; you were comely
as I beheld your beauty in that dream

oh so sensuous, how you flowed in grace
I knew you as an ardent nymph, you gave
yourself and led my soul to sacred place
such passion made you mine alone till grave

know you my love, delivered me from hell
though loud I wept upon the morning's bell

Note; Lines 5 and 7 are slant

[addy]

I like it. Some of the points with the switched around phrasing reminded me of Yoda from Star Wars (LOL! I don't mean it in a bad way) which in a way carried its own kind of poeticness. It felt more like you were playing around with the language structure rather than trying to make it really sound old.

Let's face it, some of the word choices are cliche but they were nicely put together. Don't agree with your use of the term "conceptuality", but that's just personal taste I guess . Thanks for posting this

[heslopian]

The syntax confused me at times. This line, for instance, just doesn't seem right: "such passion made you mine alone till grave/know you my love." Are you saying that said passion made her yours until the grave "knew" her? I think you sacrificed too much cohesion in pursuit of the archaic meter, and though this poem has promise, some lovely, Milton-esque ideas and natural images, they're lost in the construction.

Another line which I have a problem with: "as awoke from slumber/knew I, your form;" I would have written that like this: "as I woke from my rest, knew I, your form." You'd have to sacrifice the rhyme of "slumber" and "cumber," of course, but I think that makes more sense.

Also, the lack of punctuation tripped me up a bit. I would have put full stops after the words "dawn" in the first stanza, and both "grace" and "place" in the third, and a comma after "hell" in the final couplet.

Nonetheless, the second and third stanzas have a few great images; "carried upon a stream/woven by Morpheus," - the notion of a stream being weaved is awesome - "conceptuality/danced and dallied" - the best line here, I think - "an ardent nymph," "led my soul to sacred place" - both charming and jolly and sweet. And the final rhyme of "hell" and "bell" is simply orgasmic.

So, in conclusion, great here and there, and with a solid concept, but the archaic construction obscures the beauty.

[billy]

nice feedback jack thanks.

Also, the lack of punctuation tripped me up a bit. I would have put full stops after the words "dawn" in the first stanza, and both "grace" and "place" in the third, and a comma after "hell" in the final couplet.

the lack of punctuation is a by-product of of the free verse i write. i should have used grammar in this piece because it's not free verse. i'll add it in the edit.

The syntax confused me at times. This line, for instance, just doesn't seem right: "such passion made you mine alone till grave/know you my love." Are you saying that said passion made her yours until the grave

yes hers (the grave i mean. she died.) and mine for i died a little as well.
i tried to give the fact away with the last line which
i kinda stole and bastardised from john donne's elegy "for whom the bells toll"
"The bell doth toll for him
that thinks it doth;"

Nonetheless, the second and third stanzas have a few great images; "carried upon a stream/woven by Morpheus," - the notion of a stream being weaved is awesome - "conceptuality/danced and dallied" - the best line here, I think - "an ardent nymph," "led my soul to sacred place" - both charming and jolly and sweet. And the final rhyme of "hell" and "bell" is simply orgasmic.

kind words like honest feedback are always welcome.

So, in conclusion, great here and there, and with a solid concept, but the archaic construction obscures the beauty.

i hope we get to see more of your serious feedback jack it's refreshing.