Baby of the dawn

[YolaSm]

(Hello everyone, this is the first poem I post in this site. I feel very insecure about my writing because English is not my first language, forgive any silly mistakes but please point them out. I am very open to criticism. Thank you in advance)

"Baby of the Dawn"

Young soul, pure soul, baby of the dawn,
locked inside your head, locked behind your door,
forgive your mommy and your daddy for your crying storm.

Young soul, pure soul, baby of the dawn,
no one knows that you bear inside you a little baby thorn.
Let it feed, let it grow, let it bleed
and soon enough you will be able to leave.
A home has never been a place for the obscene,
it's not your home when it's a crime scene.

Old soul, wise soul, baby once born in dawn,
you lit the skies as you crawled your way outside that door.

[Todd]

Hi YolaSm,

Here are some thoughts for you about your first poem. While the refrain does give your poem some structure and tie it together the danger is that it can come across as monotonous. It needs to be used slightly differently each time to come across as fresh. This is always true but it often is. Another option for you here to consider is to break the refrain into its parts and start each strophe with a part

S1 Young Soul ...

S2: Pure Soul ...

S3: Baby of the Dawn

Truly just a thought, but maybe one to try and see if you like how it turns out.

(Hello everyone, this is the first poem I post in this site. I feel very insecure about my writing because English is not my first language, forgive any silly mistakes but please point them out. I am very open to criticism. Thank you in advance)

"Baby of the Dawn"

Young soul, pure soul, baby of the dawn,
locked inside your head, locked behind your door,--This line has potential. I think one slight change might bring it out more. Maybe, "locked inside your head like you are behind this door," That feels a bit too wordy still. I think what I'm getting at though is that the internal reflects what's going on in the external. 
forgive your mommy and your daddy for your crying storm.

Look to condense everywhere you can when you don't sacrifice content or tone. Make every word demand to be there. Following what I said above you may choose to do something like this (just for illustration not saying this is how you should execute):


Young soul locked inside your head,
as you are behind this door.
Forgive us for your crying storm.

Young soul, pure soul, baby of the dawn,
no one knows that you bear inside you a little baby thorn.--I like this thorn idea. Condense it down though. Distill this all to its essence.
Let it feed, let it grow, let it bleed
and soon enough you will be able to leave.
A home has never been a place for the obscene,
it's not your home when it's a crime scene.

Old soul, wise soul, baby once born in dawn,
you lit the skies as you crawled your way outside that door.

I don't want to give to much in novice. I hope I wasn't too confusing and some of this helped.

Best,

Todd

[Barbito]

Before I analyse this poem further, I would like to say, I love it.
I like what I think it means, some kind of truth only known by individuals, we always try to explain but I guess poetry does it better, like this one.
"locked inside your head, locked behind your door"
Wow! I want to believe innocence of the Baby of Dawn has
Made to be locked behind its own door fot its own safety.
Well it turns out curiosity of the Baby of Dawn is growing big
It has quest to learn so that it finds its own way.

"no one knows that you bear inside you a little baby thorn.
Let it feed, let it grow, let it bleed
and soon enough you will be able to leave."

This Baby equiped to face life and its challenges from whatever
It may learn till that day it crawls outside the door.
Wow!
What was your actual inspiration?

[YolaSm]

Hi YolaSm,

Here are some thoughts for you about your first poem. While the refrain does give your poem some structure and tie it together the danger is that it can come across as monotonous. It needs to be used slightly differently each time to come across as fresh. This is always true but it often is. Another option for you here to consider is to break the refrain into its parts and start each strophe with a part

S1 Young Soul ...

S2: Pure Soul ...

S3: Baby of the Dawn

Truly just a thought, but maybe one to try and see if you like how it turns out.

(Hello everyone, this is the first poem I post in this site. I feel very insecure about my writing because English is not my first language, forgive any silly mistakes but please point them out. I am very open to criticism. Thank you in advance)

"Baby of the Dawn"

Young soul, pure soul, baby of the dawn,
locked inside your head, locked behind your door,--This line has potential. I think one slight change might bring it out more. Maybe, "locked inside your head like you are behind this door," That feels a bit too wordy still. I think what I'm getting at though is that the internal reflects what's going on in the external. 
forgive your mommy and your daddy for your crying storm.

Look to condense everywhere you can when you don't sacrifice content or tone. Make every word demand to be there. Following what I said above you may choose to do something like this (just for illustration not saying this is how you should execute):


Young soul locked inside your head,
as you are behind this door.
Forgive us for your crying storm.

Young soul, pure soul, baby of the dawn,
no one knows that you bear inside you a little baby thorn.--I like this thorn idea. Condense it down though. Distill this all to its essence.
Let it feed, let it grow, let it bleed
and soon enough you will be able to leave.
A home has never been a place for the obscene,
it's not your home when it's a crime scene.

Old soul, wise soul, baby once born in dawn,
you lit the skies as you crawled your way outside that door.

I don't want to give to much in novice. I hope I wasn't too confusing and some of this helped.

Best,

Todd

Thank you very very much Todd, very useful advises!

---

Before I analyse this poem further, I would like to say,  I love it.
I like what I think it means,  some kind of truth only known by individuals,  we always try to explain but I guess poetry does it better,  like this one.
"locked inside your head, locked behind your door"
Wow! I want to believe innocence of the Baby of Dawn has
Made to be locked behind its own door fot its own safety.
Well it turns out curiosity of the Baby of Dawn is growing big
It has quest to learn so that it finds its own way.

"no one knows that you bear inside you a little baby thorn.
Let it feed, let it grow, let it bleed
and soon enough you will be able to leave."

This Baby equipped to face life and its challenges from whatever
It may learn till that day it crawls outside the door.
Wow!
What was your actual inspiration?

Thank you very much for your kind words! I am very glad you enjoyed it!
My initial inspiration when writing this poem came from the realization that very often childhood years are romanticized but only the people with tough childhoods acknowledge that not all childhoods are about rainbows and butterflies. I ended focusing on something a bit different from what I initially intended to focus on but the subject is the same.

[Erthona]

When one says "Baby of the Dawn", it does not automatically mean, "baby born at dawn". In fact it implies that it is alluding to something else. This is so in the same way that the phrase "Woman with a pale vale" would refer to something other than just the obvious. I haven't a clue what "Baby of the Dawn" means but evidently the writer does, if the writer only meant that the baby was only born at dawn, than that should be what is stated so there is no confusion as to what is intended. If more is intended, the "more" should be reveled in the body of the poem. A lot of times non-native speakers will unconsciously introduce idioms that are common knowledge in their natural language/culture, but are not so in English. In English there is no real idiom for what "Baby of the Dawn" means in English.

This is obviously a walk through life, as it starts with "baby" and ends with "old age". So again the title is puzzling.  

This is a puzzling line "forgive your mommy and your daddy for your crying storm"
1. Why is it a crying storm instead of just crying. What point does it make to be said this way?
2. What part do the parents have in creating it, if they in fact do have a part in doing so, even though this is implied?
3. Why is there need for forgiveness?
This line brings up all these question but the poem gives no answers. Am I suppose to just guess? Is this a multiple guess poem? Poems do not need to be perfectly straightforward, but at the same time if enough ambiguity is introduced the poem begins to devolves into meaninglessness.

"no one knows that you bear inside you a little baby thorn"
Maybe in your native language and culture this idea makes sense, but it holds no value for me. I have thought about it in many ways, especially metaphorical and though I can put it into many different scenarios can not find any that work with the poem as a whole and so I suspect this is a metaphor or idiom from your own culture or language.

"A home has never been a place for the obscene"

Whoa! This sort of comes "out of left field" (that's an American baseball idiom). My though is yes, that has always been true and why are you bringing it up? This and the next line simply seems ad hoc. However it is the last line that convinces that there is something that is going on here that I have no idea about.

"you lit the skies as you crawled your way outside that door"

I am fairly certain that there is an underlying meaning, that make these lines make sense. I am also sure that some of the lines are not written very well, for although I am not sure what they mean, I can still tell they are not saying it particularly well. However I am certain that anyone with in-depth knowledge of your culture and also able to read English would understand the meaning of this poem.

Of course I could be completely off and putting more of a burden on the poem that it deserves. If so I ask your forgiveness.

Do not give up. I had a friend whose native language was Hindi and as he struggled with English poetry he made remarkable progress. It is very frustrating at times, but the rewards are great.

Dale  






 

[YolaSm]

Hello Erthona, I really appreciate you taking the time to comment on my poem
I sometimes tend to confuse people through my poems, but I certainly don't do that deliberately, I just put too much thought into them. I believe that the beauty of poetry lies in the fact that people seem to find their own meaning in each line, but of course there is a theme that's clear in my head and I want to convey it as clearly as possible. I will go ahead and reveal that the subject of this poem is domestic violence (and sexual assault). I hope that this information will explain a lot.  


This is a puzzling line "forgive your mommy and your daddy for your crying storm"
1. Why is it a crying storm instead of just crying. What point does it make to be said this way?
2. What part do the parents have in creating it, if they in fact do have a part in doing so, even though this is implied?
3. Why is there need for forgiveness?

I think that the subject answers your questions but as for question number one, I chose 'crying storm' instead of plain crying because I wanted to stress that this baby was not simply crying(verb that indicates sorrow) but was also responding emotionally to the vibes that surrounded him/her, like anger and other intense and violent emotions.


"no one knows that you bear inside you a little baby thorn"
Maybe in your native language and culture this idea makes sense, but it holds no value for me. I have thought about it in many ways, especially metaphorical and though I can put it into many different scenarios can not find any that work with the poem as a whole and so I suspect this is a metaphor or idiom from your own culture or language.


Young soul, pure soul, baby of the dawn,
no one knows that you bear inside you a little baby thorn.
Let it feed, let it grow, let it bleed
and soon enough you will be able to leave.

The thorn is a symbol for secrets, no one knew what this baby was going through. The thorn had to be borne like a baby, had to feed inside the baby of the dawn, grow, eventually given birth and exit the body. The baby of the down had to carry these secret until it was the right time for them to be revealed so that he/she can leave home, but until then, he/she had to suffer, imagine carrying inside you a thorn that grows.


"A home has never been a place for the obscene"

Whoa! This sort of comes "out of left field" (that's an American baseball idiom). My though is yes, that has always been true and why are you bringing it up? This and the next line simply seems ad hoc. However it is the last line that convinces that there is something that is going on here that I have no idea about.

Home is the house where this baby had to witness domestic violence and sexual assault.


"you lit the skies as you crawled your way outside that door"

I am fairly certain that there is an underlying meaning, that make these lines make sense. I am also sure that some of the lines are not written very well, for although I am not sure what they mean, I can still tell they are not saying it particularly well. However I am certain that anyone with in-depth knowledge of your culture and also able to read English would understand the meaning of this poem.



Baby of the dawn is not an idiom. This baby belongs to dawn (the first appearance of light in the sky before sunrise), the word "of" I guess indicates possession here (I could be wrong on this one).
When it's dawn, the sky is not completely lit, it's a time where darkness is still present until the sun fully rises
In the second stanza this baby is fixed, it's still the baby of the dawn and still hasn't managed to overcome it's struggles, get away from the darkness that possesses it (violent environment or parents) and wasn't able to "leave"(perhaps leave home or leave it's room that it's locked in). It had to be patient and wait until the carriage of the thorn was over, until his/her secret came out or until the baby became an adult.


"Old soul, wise soul, baby once born in dawn,"

This baby is now older( indication that many years have passed), wiser(from these ugly experiences) and free from his/her parents. I stress that this baby was once born in dawn, to indicate that it has now broke free, it might have been born in this violent environment but doesn't belong there anymore. It could also be interpreted this way: This baby is not anymore a possession of his/her parents, they only brought the baby into this world but it's not theirs anymore.

"you lit the skies as you crawled your way outside that door"
This baby finally managed to escape the dawn, to give birth to the thorn and to unlock itself from it's safe room cause it found it's way out of the darkness and lit the skies as if it was the sun. It's not dawn anymore but sunrise.



I hope that all these make sense, some probably won't. I might need to change a few things to make the theme more comprehensible.

[Erthona]

Thank you for explaining what you are attempting to say. It lets me clarify. For me at least, and I'll just use the one items, "thorn" has nothing of these qualities of these qualities, so there is little chance that they will simply guess them. You as the writer must somehow make that connection for me. It would be the same if I said " baby girl the cow inside of you must be satisfied before you can walk." How is the person reading suppose to know what qualities the writer has assigned to the "cow" when there is nothing in the rest of the poem indicates the answer. There is an old adage about writing poetry which was often quoted in my direction when I was younger and not quite so often now, it goes, "if you have to explain what your poem means, then it has failed". It is a difficult thing to learn, to learn when you said enough, but not too much. Writers struggle with this all their lives, so this is not unique. Somehow in the poem you must let the reader know that thorn=secrets. It does not have to be blatant. It could be something like "families are rose bushes, their thorns hold their darkness/shame so you only see their triumphant flowers." This then gives you a context where thorn makes some kind of sense (I'm am not suggesting you use my example as it is very clumsy and only an example).

Dale

[RiverNotch]

On reading the title, the first thing that popped into my head was "Lemonhope" (which, incidentally, shares pretty much the same subject). But anyway....

"Baby of the Dawn"

Young soul, pure soul, baby of the dawn,
locked inside your head, locked behind your door,
forgive your mommy and your daddy for your crying storm. 

In line with an earlier comment, maybe just
"...
locked behind your door,
forgive us..."?
Locked behind your door doesn't necessarily imply locked inside your head, but it could still evoke it, especially if enhanced by the late stanzas....*

Young soul, pure soul, baby of the dawn,
no one knows that you bear inside you a little baby thorn. Way too long. "no one knows your bear a thorn / inside you" says the same thing, but with more the point of brevity.
Let it feed, let it grow, let it bleed
and soon enough you will be able to leave. I think this could either be more vivid, or be replaced with something else. Maybe this and the lines before and after could be used to elaborate on the nature of the thorn, as well as the nature of the crime?
A home has never been a place for the obscene, 
it's not your home when it's a crime scene. Rhyme sounds kinda off. I think this line should be enough; omit the earlier. And maybe make the crime itself clearer; what exactly did mommy and daddy do? You don't have to say it directly, but the references so far aren't enough.

Old soul, wise soul, baby once born in dawn, Naw, "baby of the dawn" is enough here. Even if there's an element of growth here, "baby of the dawn" is better in terms of that color-punch of maturity.
you lit the skies as you crawled your way outside that door. Bit long again. Could be pared down -- and maybe made into an imperative? Set the mood in the first, elaborate in the second, lead to an uplifting, but a still-to-be-done, coda, maybe.

In general, each line could be shorter, and the images could be more vivid, as well as better elaborated on. Thanks for the read!

[YolaSm]

"Baby of the Dawn"

Young soul, pure soul, baby of the dawn,
locked inside your head, locked behind your door,
forgive your mommy and your daddy for your crying storm.

Young soul, pure soul, baby of the dawn,
no one knows that you bear inside you a little baby thorn.
Let it feed, let it grow, let it bleed
and soon enough you will be able to leave.
A home has never been a place for the obscene,
it's not your home when it's a crime scene.

Old soul, wise soul, baby once born in dawn,
you lit the skies as you crawled your way outside that door.

This poem is quite decent as it is, though there are a few things I would like to bring to your attention, just to make it flow a little better rhythmically. Here's just some changes I would make:

Young soul, pure soul, baby of the dawn,
locked inside your head and locked behind your door,
forgive your mommy and your daddy for your crying storm. (I think this is a weak line that breaks the flow and the parallel structure.)

Young soul, pure soul, baby of the dawn, (repetitive)
no one knows inside you grows a little baby thorn. (for the next few lines, I'm just adding better rhythm and more visual imagery)
Let it feed, let it grow, let it bleed
and when it sprouts then you can leave.
No dwelling place for the obscene,
it's not your home when it's a crime scene.

Old soul, wise soul, baby once born in dawn, (saying "once" is redundant and breaks flow... we're all born once)
fire in the skies as you left behind that door. (this meshes with the parallel line at the beginning much better rhythmically, and is a bit more visual)

Over all, great job, especially since English is not your first language.

Very helpful suggestions, thank you! =]

---

Thank you for explaining what you are attempting to say. It lets me clarify. For me at least, and I'll just use the one items, "thorn" has nothing of these qualities of these qualities, so there is little chance that they will simply guess them. You as the writer must somehow make that connection for me. It would be the same if I said " baby girl the cow inside of you must be satisfied before you can walk." How is the person reading suppose to know what qualities the writer has assigned to the "cow" when there is nothing in the rest of the poem indicates the answer. There is an old adage about writing poetry which was often quoted in my direction when I was younger and not quite so often now, it goes, "if you have to explain what your poem means, then it has failed". It is a difficult thing to learn, to learn when you said enough, but not too much. Writers struggle with this all their lives, so this is not unique. Somehow in the poem you must let the reader know that thorn=secrets. It does not have to be blatant. It could be something like "families are rose bushes, their thorns hold their darkness/shame so you only see their triumphant flowers."  This then gives you a context where thorn makes some kind of sense (I'm am not suggesting you use my example as it is very clumsy and only an example).

Dale

Thank you! You are right, I actually posted this particular poem here, mostly to see if people understand what I am trying to elucidate. In my eyes, the theme is very clear but I'll admit that I suspected it will confuse other people. Your comments were very helpful, I will try to rewrite the poem taking into consideration the parts that are blurry or badly written.

---

On reading the title, the first thing that popped into my head was "Lemonhope" (which, incidentally, shares pretty much the same subject). But anyway....

"Baby of the Dawn"

Young soul, pure soul, baby of the dawn,
locked inside your head, locked behind your door,
forgive your mommy and your daddy for your crying storm. 

In line with an earlier comment, maybe just
"...
locked behind your door,
forgive us..."?
Locked behind your door doesn't necessarily imply locked inside your head, but it could still evoke it, especially if enhanced by the late stanzas....*

Young soul, pure soul, baby of the dawn,
no one knows that you bear inside you a little baby thorn. Way too long. "no one knows your bear a thorn / inside you" says the same thing, but with more the point of brevity.
Let it feed, let it grow, let it bleed
and soon enough you will be able to leave. I think this could either be more vivid, or be replaced with something else. Maybe this and the lines before and after could be used to elaborate on the nature of the thorn, as well as the nature of the crime?
A home has never been a place for the obscene, 
it's not your home when it's a crime scene. Rhyme sounds kinda off. I think this line should be enough; omit the earlier. And maybe make the crime itself clearer; what exactly did mommy and daddy do? You don't have to say it directly, but the references so far aren't enough.

Old soul, wise soul, baby once born in dawn, Naw, "baby of the dawn" is enough here. Even if there's an element of growth here, "baby of the dawn" is better in terms of that color-punch of maturity.
you lit the skies as you crawled your way outside that door. Bit long again. Could be pared down -- and maybe made into an imperative? Set the mood in the first, elaborate in the second, lead to an uplifting, but a still-to-be-done, coda, maybe.

In general, each line could be shorter, and the images could be more vivid, as well as better elaborated on. Thanks for the read!

Thank you for your comments I had to google "Lemonhope", it's very interesting that the poem reminded you of this animation. I will in fact rewrite the poem to imply the nature of the crime more clearly. As far as rhythm is concerned, I don't think I am able to make any corrections yet for I am still very new at this. I will try to make the lines shorter though! Again, thank you ^_^