Three Haiku

[heslopian]

running beside the sea at night -
why does this image
mean so much?

man in light jeans and dark shirt
stacking chairs -
inadvertant leching ensues.

Victorian architecture
crowns a betting shop -
beauty descending like stairs.

[billy]

running beside the sea at night -
why does this image
mean so much?

man in light jeans and dark shirt
stacking chairs -
inadvertant leching ensues.

Victorian architecture
crowns a betting shop -
beauty descending like stairs.

based on the the main rules of modern haiku below:

well to start with, the syllable count is fine (5, 7, 5. isn't a stead fast rule)

all three have a cutting point. (well done)

for me, what lets these three down is the fact there is no seasonal word.

the first haiku doesn't have clarity that is intrinsic. (the average person should be able to see the point of it, be able to understand it)

and the last one uses metaphor/simile. (beauty descending like stairs.)

the 2nd haiku seems to be the nearest to haiku, for me and you can research as well. the use of an individual person isn't that common. but like i say, that's just my opinion. on the whole it's the missing seasonal word that stops them being haiku.

they are a trio of excellent attempts though, and you almost have it.

thanks for the read jack



haiku, considering there length, are one of the hardest poems to give a serious critique to; the main reason being the diversity of rules depending on your source. that said here's the very basics.

Rules:

* 3-short lines that are understandable
* 1-season word
* 1-cutting word
* no rhyme, metaphor or simile

* (17 syllables, 5-7-5) strict in the japanese language, guide in english

Example of Some Seasonal Words:

SPRING
baseball,
SUMMER
sunflowers, ice cream,
FALL
autumn moon,
WINTER
icicles, snow,

[addy]

billy already summed up the point about the seasonal themes of haiku. Still, even though these pieces didn't strictly abide by the form they were all lovely vignettes. My tiniest quibble would be in the third haiku: "beauty descending like stairs"-- it's killing me, because I really love the line, but combined with the rest of the piece it didn't feel like the metaphor did anything to enhance your story (because essentially, haiku's read like story fragments). I think I know your meaning, though, so perhaps a slightly sharper twist to the image will do the trick.

Thanks for sharing

[heslopian]

running beside the sea at night -
why does this image
mean so much?

man in light jeans and dark shirt
stacking chairs -
inadvertant leching ensues.

Victorian architecture
crowns a betting shop -
beauty descending like stairs.

based on the the main rules of modern haiku below:

well to start with, the syllable count is fine (5, 7, 5. isn't a stead fast rule)

all three have a cutting point. (well done)

for me, what lets these three down is the fact there is no seasonal word.

the first haiku doesn't have clarity that is intrinsic. (the average person should be able to see the point of it, be able to understand it)

and the last one uses metaphor/simile. (beauty descending like stairs.)

the 2nd haiku seems to be the nearest to haiku, for me and you can research as well. the use of an individual person isn't that common. but like i say, that's just my opinion. on the whole it's the missing seasonal word that stops them being haiku.

they are a trio of excellent attempts though, and you almost have it.

thanks for the read jack



haiku, considering there length, are one of the hardest poems to give a serious critique to; the main reason being the diversity of rules depending on your source. that said here's the very basics.

Rules:

* 3-short lines that are understandable
* 1-season word
* 1-cutting word
* no rhyme, metaphor or simile

* (17 syllables, 5-7-5) strict in the japanese language, guide in english

Example of Some Seasonal Words:

SPRING
baseball,
SUMMER
sunflowers, ice cream,
FALL
autumn moon,
WINTER
icicles, snow,

Thanks so much for the feedback, Billy; I didn't realise that haiku had to have at least one seasonal word. I thought that was just a traditional preference, and not a steadfast rule, like the syllable count. I also wasn't aware that you couldn't use metaphor or simile; though I no doubt should have surmised that from Jack Kerouac's statement, that haiku must be devoid of " all poetic trickery."
The first piece here was inspired by this music video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XdyJUrEJD9U. The image of the singers running beside the sea fascinated me for a reason that I can't explain, so yeah, I can see how that would be too idiosyncratic haha.
Thanks again for the help and the encouraging words; I'll make sure to write down the basic rules you posted.

---

billy already summed up the point about the seasonal themes of haiku. Still, even though these pieces didn't strictly abide by the form they were all lovely vignettes. My tiniest quibble would be in the third haiku: "beauty descending like stairs"-- it's killing me, because I really love the line, but combined with the rest of the piece it didn't feel like the metaphor did anything to enhance your story (because essentially, haiku's read like story fragments). I think I know your meaning, though, so perhaps a slightly sharper twist to the image will do the trick.

Thanks for sharing

Thanks for the kind words and feedback, addy In the last haiku, I wrote the central image first, and then became stuck for a cutting point, a third line that would justify it; I made the observation whilst staring out an upstairs MacDonald's window, to which the "betting shop" was opposite. After struggling for ten minutes, I finished my meal, left, went home, then hit upon that simile, which I now know I shouldn't have used anyway. See this was why I posted these to "serious critique," 'cause I'm such a novice at haiku!