communion

[Anne]

the staff are too nice by for my petulant outbursts so i've asked to be banned

[just mercedes]

Hi Anne. I think you can prune a lot of words out of your poem, trim it down quite a lot. I don't  understand what the cyclists are doing there. I don't think the third and fourth strophe need be there.
I'm getting a layer of present environment, a layer of religious beliefs, and a layer of the body being the beautiful house, a sort of double metaphor. I really think you can make this clearer.

I enjoyed the trip out on the water - thank you for posting this.



COMMUNION

The boat I’m in now, rocks My boat rocks
gently in the middle of Little Traverse Bay.
With the midday sun in my eyes, In midday sun
red kayaks on the shore remind me of
roses in planter boxes
on the church porch earlier.

After swallowing the bread dipped in wine,
I had knelt at the altar and prayed.Aren't you already kneeling at the altar when you take communion?
Tears came for no clear reason.
I had hoped they washed away I'm not happy with the two 'had's here - I know you want to keep the tense right, but they make the strophe read clumsily to me. And why not 'had washed away' if you're sticking with them?
my morning sin of eating You lose me a bit here - I can't imagine crying because I'd eaten a donut before communion. Tears washing away sin is probably an important image but it sounds cliched.
one vacation donut.

I put on my sunglasses
and distinguish the far-off sightseer bikers
from the diehard cyclists,this sounds more like binoculars
the Fudgies with Santa tummies
from the ones with chiseled waists and thighs.repeats what the last  two lines said
A glance down at my own tummy too wordy - take me there more easily

in a one-piece swimsuit, takes me back
twenty-some years, to two pregnancies. these lines are prose narrative, no poetic devices
As my body plumped up
I had viewed it as beautiful.  Now, there's that 'had' again!
I try to accept what age has done
to the shape of my hips and waist.

A wave laps into the boat
drenching a home decorating magazine
as if the water overheard the minister’s lesson
and was reiterating it. This is prose with line breaks.
A gorgeous house on the outside
can still hold mold on the inside.  Is that a quote? What are you doing in the middle of the bay in a small boat with a home decorating magazine?


I understand the metaphor

but am confused if narcissism or low self-esteem

made me believe the sermon was written about myself. Very prosey.
The next wave rocks the boat,
slaps me in the face as if to say, ask?
“What’s your problem?”

The wine-dipped bread was a reminder
of greatest sacrifice and loss
and to be grateful for so many miracles. Clunky construction here
I look outward at the deep-rooted shoreline trees,
fish weaving through transparency, sunlight in the blue,
the kingdom, the power, the glory. I like that rhyme back to 'shoreline'

[Todd]

Hi Anne,

Here are some comments for you:

COMMUNION

The boat I’m in now, rocks--You may not need "I'm in now" the context fills that information in for us on L3 and L4 
gently in the middle of Little Traverse Bay.
With the midday sun in my eyes,--I think you could possibly cut this line and go to the observation without the qualifier. I don't know if it's that important to set up why the kayaks remind the speaker of someone else.
red kayaks on the shore remind me of--Not a big fan of this line break.  Consider dropping of down a line.
roses in planter boxes
on the church porch earlier.

After swallowing the bread dipped in wine,
I had knelt at the altar and prayed.--Not that its critical to the poem, but this manner of posture and distributing the sacrament would lead me to Anglican/Episcopalian
Tears came for no clear reason.--for no clear reason is a bit too telling, stay with the action.
I had hoped they washed away--I guess it depends on what the speaker believes here, but tears would not technically wash away sin though they could be a sign of inward repentance. The blood in the symbol of the wine (or the transubstantiation depending on the view the speaker holds) is the source of washing away.
my morning sin of eating
one vacation donut.--Just an aside, this seems a pretty minor thing for an adult to have angst about. My mother when she was 7 in a Catholic school brought meat on Good Friday and was punished. To atone she put a twinkie on the alter figuring God would forgive her because she gave up her favorite food. I mention this to say this seems too minor for an adult but believable for a child.

I put on my sunglasses
and distinguish the far-off sightseer bikers
from the diehard cyclists,
the Fudgies with Santa tummies
from the ones with chiseled waists and thighs.
A glance down at my own tummy--while I sort of enjoy your phrasing with Fudgies, I wonder if this entire donut thing was to segue through here, and when I take this back to your title I can't see how this strophe fits in with your theme.

in a one-piece swimsuit, takes me back
twenty-some years, to two pregnancies.
As my body plumped up
I had viewed it as beautiful.  Now,
I try to accept what age has done
to the shape of my hips and waist.--This could be all condensed. Your passing on a lot of information, but it seems to be only working on that level. I'd like to see more figurative language and layering.

A wave laps into the boat--If some of this strophe were moved up to follow the donut one you could cut the bicyclists and blend concepts between the swimsuit strophe and this one. 
drenching a home decorating magazine
as if the water overheard the minister’s lesson
and was reiterating it.--don't think you need this line 
A gorgeous house on the outside
can still hold mold on the inside. -- Matthew 23 reference whitewashed tombs full of dead mens' bones. 

I understand the metaphor
but am confused if narcissism or low self-esteem
made me believe the sermon was written about myself.--I don't think you need to lead here with these last three lines, trust the reader.
The next wave rocks the boat,
slaps me in the face as if to say,
“What’s your problem?”

The wine-dipped bread was a reminder--maybe just sacrament instead of wine-dipped bread. It would also have some consonance with sacrifice below 
of the greatest sacrifice and loss
and to be grateful for so many miracles.--There is a part of me that says that this is still way too leading. I'd consider simply saying: "I consider the sacrament,/and look outward..."
I look outward at the deep-rooted shoreline trees,
fish weaving through transparency, sunlight in the blue,
the kingdom, the power, the glory.--These last three lines especially are very nice. You seem to slide away from the message and settle into a doxology. They are your most poetic lines.

I hope some of this will be helpful to you.

Best,

Todd

[tectak]

Yes to this, anne. It IS a contrivance, but a  necessary contrivance. It fits neatly in to my category of "commitment" verse...that is to say it knows where it is going and goes there with a purpose and determination that shows. Of course, it would not be poetry if it did  not use words as waypoints and there are places where bits run out of line, though you correct these minor navigational diversions very quickly...so quickly that one only sees the shift, if at all, as an excess of waypoints. As an example I would point to the superfluous word at end of S1, "earlier". What on earth made you feel the need to back-track? It is, I believe, there because you are having difficulty making lines long enough or short enough to "look" right against each other, instead of "hearing" the thing.

So why not:
The boat I am in now rocks gently,
in the middle of Little Transverse Bay.
With  midday sun  blurring my vision,
red kayaks on shore look like roses,
in planters on the church porch.

I take your point to heart about your juices in the poem drying out if you make too many changes at the whim of others, but the point I am trying to make is that you dilute yourself by excess. Concentrate your work.
Best and well done. I cannot write like this and so I crit out of a room called envy,
tectak

COMMUNION

The boat I’m in now, rocks
gently in the middle of Little Traverse Bay.
With the midday sun blurring my vision,
red kayaks on the shore look like
roses in planter boxes
on the church porch earlier.

After swallowing the wafer and wine,Lose "the"
I had knelt at the altar and prayed. Lose "had"
Tears filled my eyes when I realized This is a "good" line if cliched, but it would be better split into "cause and effect" rather than simple simultaneous consequence.So:

After taking wafer and wine,
I knelt at the altar and prayed
Tears filled my eyes as I realised my
lack of faith lead to doubt that my sins
would  be  forgiven.

It is a bloody convoluted way of saying something very simple and my suggestion, no less clumsy, uses as many of your words as I reasonably could. Ignore it but simplify yourself. This is an essential stanza.



lack of faith had me doubting
my sins of vanity and materialism No. You are not doubting your sins.
would be forgiven.

I put on my sunglasses
and see the far-off diehard cyclists You put on sunglasses, not binoculars. Of what consequence the far-awayness?
with chiseled waists and thighs, Odd image for a fluid form
then glance down at my own tummy Own? Who else's tummy did you expect to see? Lose "own".
and try to accept what fudge and age
have done to my shape. has or had done...or it is what fudge have done AND age have done. This a moot point but verb/subject agreement is difficult in imprecise situations.eg. "Rock 'n Roll" has(or had, but NOT have) taken its toll on me.

A wave laps into the boat The last three stanzas gallop us to the finishing line as inexorably as the previous stanzas...but  with hurdles of overwordiness. I square the circle. You write hacked up prose but with purpose. Line lengths are a problem for you.
drenching my home decorating magazine
as if the water overheard the minister’s lesson
and was reiterating it.
A gorgeous house on the outside
can still hold mold on the inside.  

The next wave rocking the boat
slaps me in the face
as if to say, “Wake up.”
The morning sacrament was a reminder
of the greatest sacrifice and loss
and to accept what was offered.

To help me forgive myself,
I look outward
at the deep-rooted shoreline trees,
fish weaving through transparency,
sunlight in the blue,
the kingdom, the power, the glory.

*

COMMUNION

The boat I’m in now, rocks
gently in the middle of Little Traverse Bay.
With the midday sun in my eyes,
red kayaks on the shore remind me of
roses in planter boxes
on the church porch earlier.

After swallowing the bread dipped in wine,
I had knelt at the altar and prayed.
Tears came for no clear reason.
I had hoped they washed away
my morning sin of eating
one vacation donut.

I put on my sunglasses
and distinguish the far-off sightseer bikers
from the diehard cyclists,
the Fudgies with Santa tummies
from the ones with chiseled waists and thighs.
A glance down at my own tummy

in a one-piece swimsuit, takes me back
twenty-some years, to two pregnancies.
As my body plumped up
I had viewed it as beautiful.  Now,
I try to accept what age has done
to the shape of my hips and waist.

A wave laps into the boat
drenching a home decorating magazine
as if the water overheard the minister’s lesson
and was reiterating it.
A gorgeous house on the outside
can still hold mold on the inside.  

I understand the metaphor
but am confused if narcissism or low self-esteem
made me believe the sermon was written about myself.
The next wave rocks the boat,
slaps me in the face as if to say,
“What’s your problem?”

The wine-dipped bread was a reminder
of the greatest sacrifice and loss
and to be grateful for so many miracles.
I look outward at the deep-rooted shoreline trees,
fish weaving through transparency, sunlight in the blue,
the kingdom, the power, the glory.

[Todd]

Hi Anne,

You mentioned this earlier: the poem is about a person coming to grips with their own shallowness (vanity, materialism, lack of religious education), so maybe removing the donut and all that self indulgence would take the meat out of the writing.

I'm going to keep that mind as I make some comments on this revision. I'm going to try to also press along thematic lines since you state your intent above. So, while a boat can be just a boat I'm going to try to trace your symbology a bit.

COMMUNION (revision 1)

The boat I’m in now, rocks --This could mean that your life is not firm and set. The speaker is feeling unsure. This would be a good opening line then
gently in the middle of Little Traverse Bay.--I question the use of most adverbs. They aren't always bad but they tend to be telling shorthand instead of drawing out the image. I'm not saying this is better but to illustrate this line could be "upon the small waves of Little Traverse Bay." Admittingly, you may not be worried about this as a metaphor for the speaker's life but gently implies one thing small waves might suggest relatively small struggles.
With sun rays blurring my vision,--This could be coming to grips with truth or revelation
red kayaks on the shore look like
roses in planter boxes --outside of it simply being a color what could roses represent are they simply atmospheric detail or do they tie back to theme. No issue either way, but things tend to be stronger when they connect thematically.
on the church porch earlier.--at present this just seems to be here to turn the speaker's mind back to the church service, again no issue

After swallowing the wafer and wine,
I had knelt at the altar and prayed.
Tears filled my eyes when I realized
lack of faith had me doubting
my sins of vanity and materialism
would be forgiven.--These four lines are just stating a fact. There needs to be more poetic elements here. Perhaps unpacking the specific vanity or the specific act of materialism would help.

I put on my sunglasses
and see the far-off diehard cyclists--even if far-off is true it adds little. It should probably be cut. The issue is the comparison below.
with chiseled waists and thighs,
then glance down at my own tummy
and try to accept what fudge and age
have done to my figure.--This again is pretty direct reportage. Is there a way you can get to your point without laying it out so flatly. Or is there a way you can spice up the diction.

A wave laps into the boat
drenching my home decorating magazine
as if the water overheard the minister’s lesson
and was reiterating it.
A gorgeous house on the outside
can still hold mold on the inside.  

The next wave rocking the boat
slaps me in the face
as if to say, “Wake up.”
The morning sacrament was a reminder
of the greatest sacrifice and loss,
and to accept what was offered.

To help me forgive myself,
I look outward
at the deep-rooted shoreline trees,
fish weaving through transparency,
sunlight in the blue,
the kingdom, the power, the glory.

*

Those are my thoughts for this revision. I hope some of it helps.

Best,

Todd