(okay, so this is my first poem posted to the forum...I'm interested to hear what you guys think. This should perhaps be posted under misc., but we'll start here?)
"Nothing Alike"
A strange man passed me
on the street
he wore
dark jeans
tattered sneakers
a crooked bowler
and your cologne.
I stopped and held my breath.
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Hi gingerquiet,
Welcome to the site! My initial impressions are good. This has a nice tight focus, doesn't ramble. I would never have the patience to put all the spacing in, but it gives me the impression of what's happening with someone walking by.
The title is perfect in that it makes the reader reverse the description for the man not being observed.
I think on the street needs to be moved up to the first line. I realize you want a visual symmetry, but I think it doesn't deserve its own line, and it detracts from the man. I would also put a period after street and capitalize He.
The last two lines were satisfying. They had a real punch to them and provided an emotional context to the observation.
I enjoyed the economy of the poem, and the crisp specific detail was very nicely used.
I didn't have much in the way of suggestions, but I hope some of this helped.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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That's pretty good. Crisp, clean, and vivid, with pretty much the same sentiments as above. Change "strange man" to "stranger", though, to give the first line the same rhythm as the last; and, yeah, move "on the street" to the first, because it's a bit of a bother to the poem's flow in its current place, and make the whole a full sentence: give it a full stop, and the next line, you capitalize.
Nitpicking: "dark jeans" also sort of bothers me, because it doesn't have the same soft end as its fellows in your list; its sharp sound highlights its image, but I'm guessing "your cologne" is the real kicker there. Either give "dark jeans" a softer sound, or maybe harden the sound of its fellows besides "and your cologne".
Thank you Todd and RiverNotch! I'm very glad that the spacing gave the impression of someone walking, as that's exactly what I was going for. I'm going to play around with the first two lines and 'dark jeans' and see if anything sticks for me.
just mercedes
Unregistered
(04-29-2015, 10:28 PM)gingerquiet Wrote: (okay, so this is my first poem posted to the forum...I'm interested to hear what you guys think. This should perhaps be posted under misc., but we'll start here?)
Hi and welcome - I enjoyed your moment - the power of scent to evoke memories. I've made a few notes.
"Nothing Alike"
A strange man passed me
on the street You use only two period as punctuation. I want another one here.
he wore and a capital letter for He.
dark jeans
tattered sneakers
a crooked bowler
and your cologne. I really like all the 'k' sounds in his description.
I stopped and held my breath.
I like the way your reader is caught in that swirl of air as someone passes by. Thanks for posting.
thebrokeanarchist
Unregistered
(04-29-2015, 10:28 PM)gingerquiet Wrote: (okay, so this is my first poem posted to the forum...I'm interested to hear what you guys think. This should perhaps be posted under misc., but we'll start here?)
"Nothing Alike"
A strange man passed me
on the street
he wore
dark jeans
tattered sneakers
a crooked bowler
and your cologne.
I stopped and held my breath.
I think this is a good poem. As far as suggestion/light criticism, I agree with another poster that stranger might do well to replace 'strange man,' and I also believe that you might be able to say more with your description of the man's clothing, although it's certainly possible that that description means more to you than just filler description, in which case (by all means) leave it as is.
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I totally agree with making the first line a whole sentence. I would capitalize He not only to make it grammatically correct but also because this man brings back memories of someone from the narrator's past, and is therefore extremely important in passing. I understand the bowler if it has personal meaning to you, but i would think of changing it to some other article of clothing if you are willing because i think the relative obscurity of a bowler detracts from the power of the poem. Of course that just might be my youth speaking. I really love the last line, it certainly gives an emotional punch (almost an FU to the readers sanity, in a good way) to the poem. I would also add commas to the list part of the poem just to make it more grammatically correct. Overall, i really loved this post, my heartstrings needed a little tug 
Sometimes I feel like writing poetry and sometimes I watch Netflix. No judging.
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(04-29-2015, 10:28 PM)gingerquiet Wrote: "Nothing Alike"
A strange man passed me
on the street
he wore ( a colon would have been nice here but I totally get why you didn't use one)
dark jeans
tattered sneakers
a crooked bowler (for some reason I wanted this line to end with the letter 'S' and the last word to have been plural)
and your cologne. (I like the tactile image here)
I stopped and held my breath.
Great poem, I love the spacing!
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For me, it feels like the last line could be expanded upon a little bit, but at the same time it's great the way it is. The spacing is good, it reminds me of how important visual presentation is in a poem.
Awesome job overall
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Wow, I really enjoy this poem especially the use of imagery (both visual and olfactory imagery). The penultimate line is condense yet tantalizing enough for me  . What makes this poem great is the word "cologne", just this word has enough provoked a lot of emotions. I also have a suggestion is that you could use "strange men" instead of "a strange man" and change "he" to "they" (line 3). Because, I opine that this could imply the ambivalent conflict inside the speaker (love him or leave him) and the obsession of the speaker towards her lover as everyone in the street reminds her of him. But that's just my opinion! :3 Great job!
I really appreciated this. Gave me the type of feeling I got when I first heard the end of "Yesterday" by Atmosphere. The set up your format really drove home the emphasis on the feeling I believe you were trying to convey. And the fact that this type of nostalgia hit from a random person is a feeling I believe a lot of people can relate to, I know I've felt it before. And I liked above all the short and to the point nature of it, just like walking by a stranger. It happened quick, but left your mind lingering.
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