Accommodations

[rowens]

                                       Accommodations

 
 
 
There are no shadows, I'm sitting in the soft light,
waiting for my doctor to come.
Just one. All by himself, he comes in,
like I'm not important and he's not afraid
or anything. I could be anyone
or no one.
And he'll just come in and ask a few questions
and look me over, make a new appointment
for a follow-up exam.
But if I was a prisoner, or had some strange rash,
he might take caution, even smile a canned smile,
not real or fake.
Some really strange rash,
something scary:
even experts don't know everything
and have waited their whole lives for this not to happen,
but are excited and tell their friends.

[cidermaid]

just a few thoughts to offer for your consideration.

                                       Accommodations

 
 
 
There are no shadows, I'm sitting in the soft light,
waiting for my doctor to come.
Just one. All by himself, he comes in,   I find this line distracting.  Just one feels unnessasary (also the repeat of one a few lines down is then diluted).    Think it could be simplified down perhaps to He comes in by himself.
like I'm not important and he's not afraid
or anything. I could be anyone
or no one.
And he'll just come in and ask a few questions  Not decided if I like the repitition of come in.  He'lljust come and ask a few questions
and look me over, make a new appointment
for a follow-up exam.
But if I was a prisoner, or had some strange rash,
he might take caution, even smile a canned smile,
not real or fake.
Some really strange rash,
something scary:
even experts don't know everything
and have waited their whole lives for this not to happen,
but are excited and tell their friends.   the last three lines really make this whole poem work for me.  Nice.

All the best AJ.

[Erthona]

There's no doubt in my mind that there is a high percentage of people in the medical field who are martyrs and they love equally the sympathy as well as the adulation for risking their lives to save these worthless people (in their view as many are very superior and condescending) . On the other hand, this is not up to your usual work, compared to that this is sloppy writing.  

"There are no shadows"

This may have significance in your mind, but I think you fail to give it significance in the reader's mind. The sentence reads better without it.

"Just one. All by himself, he comes in, like I'm not important and he's not afraid or anything.

This is a terribly convoluted sentence, maybe:

"He comes in by himself as though I am unimportant and he is not afraid of me. "

I understand you are trying to pull off a dialect, but here it is not translating to the page. I grew up with people who would say things like, "He wasn't afraid or anything" so I understand what it means, still it just looks weird on the page.

Yes, the dialect seems to cut in and out intermittently. Or maybe it is just mixing dialects?

"he might take caution, even smile a canned smile,
not real or fake."

What is the purpose of tagging on "not real or fake"?  The reader will either know what is or is not a canned smile and saying "not real or fake." does little to clarify that.

This is the redeeming line of the whole:

"and have waited their whole lives for this not to happen"

I would include the end part, except it is written awkwardly.
___________________________________________________

A final problem is the line truncation. I have no idea what your thinking was to break your lines as you did, but it was certainly not in the best interest of this prose-poem.  

Let me propose this for the ending:

"and have waited their whole lives for this not to happen,
but when it does, they are so excited
they just have to tell their friends."


Dale

[MrTurnipHead]

There are no shadows, I'm sitting in the soft light,[Soft light seems a tad cliche to me, and this line doesn't really paint a vivid picture to me of the setting or anything]
waiting for my doctor to come.
Just one. All by himself, he comes in,[I fee like this could be shortened]
like I'm not important and he's not afraid
or anything. I could be anyone
or no one.
And he'll just come in and ask a few questions
and look me over, make a new appointment
for a follow-up exam.
But if I was a prisoner, or had some strange rash,
he might take caution, even smile a canned smile,
not real or fake.[I don't really understand this part]
Some really strange rash,
something scary:
even experts don't know everything
and have waited their whole lives for this not to happen,
but are excited and tell their friends.

A lot of "comes" or "comes in" maybe a bit redundant.

I liked how this read though. Some lines were a bit of a mouthful, but I felt it flowed well.

Best

[hopefularahant]

                                       Accommodations

 
 
 
There are no shadows, I'm sitting in the soft light,
waiting for my doctor to come.
Just one. All by himself, he comes in,
like I'm not important and he's not afraid
or anything. I could be anyone
or no one.
And he'll just come in and ask a few questions
and look me over, make a new appointment
for a follow-up exam.
But if I was a prisoner, or had some strange rash,
he might take caution, even smile a canned smile,
not real or fake.
Some really strange rash,
something scary:
even experts don't know everything
and have waited their whole lives for this not to happen,
but are excited and tell their friends.

I really like the idea behind the peom, and i have definitely felt similar every dreaded visit to the doctor. That being said, i feel like changing up the line lengths to be a little more similar wouldnt be hard, and would greatly improve the rhythm. Also, though i get an image of the doctors office, im not really FEELING anything. Like you have the makings of a great sort of depressed patient poem, but i dont feel it yet. Just my opinion. And im not sure if the "or anything" line was supposed to be "of anything" or what, but thats just a side note.

[rowens]

It's good to get people's ideas. As usual I don't know what to do with the poem. To me it's finished, but I wanted a review, so I posted it to get criticized. Like I always do.

[thebrokeanarchist]

                                       Accommodations

 
 
 
There are no shadows, I'm sitting in the soft light,
waiting for my doctor to come.
Just one. All by himself, he comes in,
like I'm not important and he's not afraid
or anything. I could be anyone
or no one.
And he'll just come in and ask a few questions
and look me over, make a new appointment
for a follow-up exam.
But if I was a prisoner, or had some strange rash,
he might take caution, even smile a canned smile,
not real or fake.
Some really strange rash,
something scary:
even experts don't know everything
and have waited their whole lives for this not to happen,
but are excited and tell their friends.

I agree with a few of the other posters, I believe you would be better off with something like "He entered alone" instead of the multiple references to his solo entrance. Additionally, the end seems rushed, and I believe that you would do well to slow the poem down 3/4 through, to end abruptly rather than rushed. Just my 2 cents.