The Romantic Clown

[Oden Prufrock]

The Romantic Clown

I’m desperate and awkward…
to make you feel loved
and to make you love me,
I speak generally because
I want to include everyone,
I feel excluded - inside -
from optimum interaction,
I never say much.
Is it my fault?
I wish you could hear me,
everything I have to say,
I wish you would talk to me,
I’d be glad to listen,
I’ve thrown tantrums to hear your whispers,
to hear you,
I’d be glad.

Please look at me
and say what I want to hear,
say that sentence I’ve heard
in my dreams,
say it to me in full,
don’t stop until every millilitre
is out of the bottle.
I’d be glad to listen,
I’ll save your lips,
without you I’d be silence,
without your spit’s mist
clearing my mind.
Say it to me,
that crouching statement in the reeds,
let it meet my needs.

[dukealien]

Expresses a certain character very well.  Detail critique interleaved, general and overall comments below.

The Romantic Clown

I’m desperate and awkward… consider an em-dash instead of elllipsis, bit is anything really needed here beyond line-end?
to make you feel loved see, "awkward to make you feel loved" is a refreshing turn of phrase
and to make you love me, period here? or perhaps semicolon
I speak generally because
I want to include everyone, another good spot for semicolon
I feel excluded - inside - perhaps place "[I]nside" at start of line
from optimum interaction, "optimum" is weak and technical here - perhaps "intimate" or "full?" and semicolon or period to end.
I never say much.
Is it my fault?
I wish you could hear me, em-dash instead of comma here?
everything I have to say, and semicolon here
I wish you would talk to me, same sequence for this couplet (em-dash and end with period)
I’d be glad to listen, semicolon
I’ve thrown tantrums to hear your whispers, 
to hear you,
I’d be glad. these three lines could be profitably rearranged - see how it reads with the last two reversed.  The best that can be said of current sequence is that it emphasizes "glad"

Please look at me could place "and say" from next line at end of this one
and say what I want to hear,
say that sentence I’ve heard
in my dreams,
say it to me in full,
don’t stop until every millilitre like "optimum," this jars slightly.  "drop" or "trace" perhaps?
is out of the bottle.
I’d be glad to listen, semicolon
I’ll save your lips,
without you I’d be silence,
without your spit’s mist
clearing my mind.
Say it to me,
that crouching statement in the reeds, now here's a spot for that ellipsis
let it meet my needs.

I've perhaps spent too much (electric) ink on line endings, but they seem important in this composition, to regulate which phrases depend on which others, and which are independent (change course) and dependent.

Now, speaking generally:  in my reading this is the plea (or demand) of an egocentric, perhaps even solipsistic character.  Its target audience is everyone; perhaps he's autistic.  The whole work establishes that character very well - does he really believe his existence depends on his audience?  I doubt it; he just wants to control them and hear their praise.

Which leads me to the odd but now unshakable conclusion (perhaps clued by "reeds") that this is an expression by the Christian or (maybe) Jewish God.  Wants love, wants prayers (and praise).  With that in mind, the title becomes a(n) heretical but thought-provoking way to look at Him, one that has a certain explanatory power (cf. that great movie title, "The Gods Must be Crazy").

Enjoyable.  Could have some more rhetorical sparkle, but for now, try looking to your phrasing and its regulation by punctuation.

[Seraphim]

I’m desperate and awkward…Don’t know what an ellipsis is meant to do here.
to make you feel loved
and to make you love me, eliminating ‘and’ improves the rhythm of the line and eliminates a bit of wordiness
I speak generally because Do you mean you speak in general terms or you’re speaking - generally - to everyone?
I want to include everyone,
I feel excluded - inside -I think ‘feeling inside’ is redundant. Can one feel excluded outside?
from optimum interaction, perhaps something less technical
I never say much.
Is it my fault? If the reader subconsciously answers ‘yes’, it might destroy what you’re trying for in the poem. This line adds nothing to it, to me.
I wish you could hear me,
everything I have to say, Would flow better, imo, as one non-religious sentence: I wish you could hear everything I have to say
I wish you would talk to me,
I’d be glad to listen,
I’ve thrown tantrums to hear your whispers,
to hear you,
I’d be glad.
All the Is get tedious

Please look at me
and say what I want to hear,
say that sentence I’ve heard What sentence? I can think of various possibilities here.
in my dreams, cliche’d
say it to me in full,
don’t stop until every millilitre
is out of the bottle.
I’d be glad to listen,
I’ll save your lips,
without you I’d be silence,
without your spit’s mist
clearing my mind. Over the top
Say it to me,
that crouching statement in the reeds,
let it meet my needs.

The poem has nothing that attracts me as a reader - no epiphany, no interesting imagery or description, no clever or interesting use of the language, doesn’t make me feel.  Just a pathetic voice (narrator’s voice) whining for attention of someone the reader never gets any feel of. Why is the object of the narrator’s attention interesting, or worthy? Why should we feel any sympathy for a narrator that seems to have done nothing about the situation other than whine/beg?