Visitor 15/3/15

[Bearsy22]

First poem so a little nervous! Just playing around with an idea I've had for a while so it's not too refined. It has a personal value instead, I think. I may have to give you context- basically a close family member was sectioned and the first visit to the mental hospital was... Interesting. Thanks in advance for any comments!

Visitor 15/3/15
Barged through door 1 like a time bomb
Door 2 was sliced with a Costa Card
Kermit on her hand.
Diagnosis.
I was joking
I was wondering if you could escort me off the premises?
Not allowed. I’m sorry.
It’s her fault. Eyes are vague. Do I know you?
Do you know me.
Hello insomnia. Wrench out my hair. Step on my chest
Someone pulled out the plug. The music’s stopped
You sit with a jug of squash between us. Don’t drink the tea. That one swigs the milk out the carton.
Large shuffling bodies in sleep pastels
Smoke privilege.
Dragons stare into space
1 pound 2 pound 3 pound
4
Put on the suit
Please hand your sharp objects over to me before you enter.
I’m the plumber. Come to fix your works.
You dislocating criminal.
I’ll be out next week
Kermit sings through the hands
She was a lecturer. Before.
I sip at the empty cup and look at the crimson lines. Brambles, I think. Not knife.
HE RAPED ME.
She lived down the road.
THEY RAPE US WHEN WE SLEEP
5 pound 6 pound
7
no more
Don’t drink that, my dear. It’s poison
Stelazine breath
RUN
You stare blankly on.
THEY RAPE US
I should be out next week.

[wanderlust]

Hey there Bearsy~!
Thank you for posting your poem here. I just woke up so hopefully my feedback won't be too bad. Maybe reading poetry isn't the best idea when I just woke up though haha. I just want you to know as well, I actually read the poem and posted my feedback without reading the context of it first, so I think I didn't do too bad huh?

Anyway, I wanted to say first of all that I really enjoyed the poem. On my first read through it, I wasn't completely sold, but I was definitely intrigued. I had to read it again just to try to figure it out, like a puzzle. But then I stopped to think, hey, is this poem written about a person with schizophrenia? And then, I read it again with that in mind and it made more sense to me.

So I'm not sure if that was the initial point of this poem or not, a person with schizophrenia I mean. My guess is some form of mental illness, because to me that would make sense of all the disjointed sentences and line breaks. It would make sense of the conflicts in the middle of some lines such as 'I sip at the empty cup and look at the crimson lines. Brambles, I think. Not knife.' Which is actually one of my favourite lines of this entire poem. I especially love the word Brambles, for me it forms a vivid picture in my mind.

That being said, 'You sit with a jug of squash between us. Don’t drink the tea. That one swigs the milk out the carton.' I feel like this line could be shortened to just 'You sit with a jug of squash between us. Don't drink the tea.' I personally think it might look better that way, and I also felt the latter was a bit out of place.


Anyway, just wanted to share my thoughts for you to consider, I will now hand this over to someone much better at giving feedback than me, haha. I hope that what I said was helpful in some way though.

wanderlust  

[hopefularahant]

First off, welcome! This is a really creative and expressive piece you have, and with the context you provided I could easily tell what you were doing. Some of the verses are very well done and i enjoyed the numbers ans counting you included along with some of the lines.

That said, like the previous critique pointed out, some of the lines are far too long and sort of ruin the rhythm. Maybe shortening and lengthening some of the lines to similar lengths would help the poem move more smoothly. Also, to make it easier to read, you could split it into multiple stanzas, and drop one or two of the lines that dont really move the poem along, or combine them with others. Also, if i hadnt had the contest you gave, i dont know that i would have ever figured out what you were talking about. And while poetry never really spells things out specifically, it makes the poetry alot more enjoyable if you know what youre reading.

Also, your poem could benefit from some varied word choice, because as it is, the poem very creative, but very plain as far as word choice. Thats all i got! Take it with a grain of salt.

[groberts01]

Hey Bearsy22 . The first time posting your poetry here can be scary, it certainly was for me! But don't make excuses for your poems before I read them! As a reader I need the writer to help me have confidence in what they write.
This poem obviously comes from personal experience, and thanks to that there are a lot of specific images shining through: the "sleep pastels" (does this refer to hospital gowns?), Kermit. These do help to give the poem a realistic depth. It's pleasing also to see you avoid cliché, which I find difficult when writing about mental illness.
However, perhaps because you are writing from experience a lot of these images come off as esoteric. As you have already identified the poem needs some refinement. I suggest that you consider your sentence structure more. The poem will be easier to understand if it makes grammatical sense.

Visitor 15/3/15
Barged through door 1 like a time bomb
Door 2 was sliced with a Costa Card This line and the next are unclear to me. Should there be punctuation here? Or, removing enjambment, did you mean "a Costa Card Kermit on her hand"?
Kermit on her hand.
Diagnosis.
I was joking Same point as above.
I was wondering if you could escort me off the premises?
Not allowed. I’m sorry.
It’s her fault. Eyes are vague. Do I know you?
Do you know me.
Hello insomnia. Wrench out my hair. Step on my chest I think that the way these lines are written in fragments does add to the poem, perhaps it reflects the patients state of mind. But I think they could be rewritten to be more effective. For example, the voice of this poem seems to change often, without it being made clear who is now speaking: "Not allowed" comes from some authority at the hospital, and "Do I know you?" maybe from the patient.
Someone pulled out the plug. The music’s stopped
You sit with a jug of squash between us. Don’t drink the tea. That one swigs the milk out the carton.
Large shuffling bodies in sleep pastels
Smoke privilege. This line, like a few others, needs more explanation to mean something to me.
Dragons stare into space
1 pound 2 pound 3 pound
4
Put on the suit
Please hand your sharp objects over to me before you enter.
I’m the plumber. Come to fix your works.
You dislocating criminal.
I’ll be out next week
Kermit sings through the hands
She was a lecturer. Before.
I sip at the empty cup and look at the crimson lines. Brambles, I think. Not knife.
HE RAPED ME. This made me jump, in a good way.
She lived down the road.
THEY RAPE US WHEN WE SLEEP
5 pound 6 pound
7
no more
Don’t drink that, my dear. It’s poison
Stelazine breath
RUN
You stare blankly on.
THEY RAPE US
I should be out next week. I think this makes a good, punchy end line.

[MrTurnipHead]

First off, I REALLY enjoyed this. I find the topic very interesting.

Visitor 15/3/15
Barged through door 1 like a time bomb
Door 2 was sliced with a Costa Card[Some of this is a bit unclear. Does it go to the next line?]
Kermit on her hand.
Diagnosis.
I was joking[Joking about what?]
I was wondering if you could escort me off the premises?
Not allowed. I’m sorry.
It’s her fault. Eyes are vague. Do I know you?
Do you know me.
Hello insomnia. Wrench out my hair. Step on my chest[Slightly cliche on "wrenching" the hair, but I liked it]
Someone pulled out the plug. The music’s stopped
You sit with a jug of squash between us. Don’t drink the tea. That one swigs the milk out the carton.[Maybe shorten this or expand it into 2 lines]
Large shuffling bodies in sleep pastels
Smoke privilege.
Dragons stare into space
1 pound 2 pound 3 pound
4
Put on the suit
Please hand your sharp objects over to me before you enter.
I’m the plumber. Come to fix your works.
You dislocating criminal.
I’ll be out next week
Kermit sings through the hands
She was a lecturer. Before.
I sip at the empty cup and look at the crimson lines. Brambles, I think. Not knife.Love this
HE RAPED ME.
She lived down the road.
THEY RAPE US WHEN WE SLEEP
5 pound 6 pound
7
no more
Don’t drink that, my dear. It’s poison
Stelazine breath
RUN
You stare blankly on.
THEY RAPE US
I should be out next week.

I love how disjointed this is and the tone. It definitely conveys "mental hospital"
Best

[Icon Zero]

normally we don't approve one liner's but gave reasonable feedback on another poem so i'll allow this one and ask you do more than one liners in feedback forums. admin

I love the fractured narrative of the piece, it really conveys the chaotic nature of the subject matter. Good stuff.