Blanche -i edit 1 (ellajam, Tiger the Lion)

[LorettaYoung]

Blanche - edit 1 (ellajam, Tiger the Lion)

Her youth was clothed in frills and coy allure.
When time took lives and taxes she grew poor.
Her delicacy drained by haunting fears,
though charm and warmth survived long tired years.
By day she nursed sick family in their bed.
By year she placed fresh flowers on the dead.
Each night she sought escape in an embrace
from soldiers passing through to a new face:

Blanche..................Blanche............,
by the willow they would cry,
enchanted by the passion of her sigh.

She drowned her woes with wine and wantonness
on blemished back streets bruised by homelessness.
"Destitute", she stressed by frantic wire,
then traveled on the Streetcar Named Desire;
descending to a slum drenched in defeat,
where greasy brutes brawled in the muddy street.
Inside. stained paint chips float from barren walls,
a naked light bulb, hung from wire, falls.

Flowers........................Flowers.......................,
she laid upon the dead,
were ghostly visions vexing her with dread.

Hands gripped upon a weathered wooden chair
that sat beside the tattered tableware;.
Blanche placed a shade upon the naked light,
concealing shadows on her face from sight.
She wore a satin robe, her lips in rose,
in vain pursuit of youth before its close.
Her host sat frowning, prowling for a fight.
describing her 'a scam' with piercing spite.

She dreamt of magic, fantasy and bliss;
those buried byways led to this abyss.

Blanche........................Blanche.......................,
though phantoms threatened danger,
depended on the kindness of a stranger.

g.e.Kaye 4/9/15, edited 4/16/15







Blanche - original

Her youth was clothed in frills and coy allure,
but time took lives and hope, then she was poor.
Her delicacy strained by counting fears,
though charm and warmth survived long tired years.
She sought escape each night in an embrace
from soldiers passing through to a new place.

Blanche.........Blanche............to her sill they cried.
She smile at them through tears as family died.

Destitute left one route to acquire,'
she traveled on the streetcar called desire;
descending on a slum nicknamed defeat,
where sweaty brutes brawled on the muddy street.
Inside, stained paint chips float from barren walls
and naked light bulbs, hung from wire, falls.

Flowers.........Flowers...........flowers for the dead.
Remembered loss revisited her with dread.

Hand gripped upon a withered wooden chair,
that sat beside the tattered tableware;
Blanche wore a satin robe, her lips in rose,
evading fading youth before its close.
Despising charm her dull host unimpressed
returned her kind words with crass protest,
Her hint of smile the veil of buried bliss
beneath her weary ways with death to this,

Blanche.......Blanche.......though echoes threatened danger,
she clung to the arm of a kind stranger.

g.e.Kaye 4/9/15

[ellajam]

Hi, Loretta, on the whole this was pretty successful for me, it was easy to read and the story made sense. You  may be able to cut some lines that repeat the same thought in different words. The meter was strong enough to pull me through, there are stumbles that could be corrected but I'll have to leave that to someone more adept. I think the isolated couplets worked well. Most of the alliteration adds to an interesting read. A few notes are below.

Blanche

Her youth was clothed in frills and coy allure,
but time took lives and hope, then she was poor.
Her delicacy strained by counting fears, I like counting fears, though mounting fears might make more sense.
though charm and warmth survived long tired years.
She sought escape each night in an embrace
from soldiers passing through to a new place.

Blanche.........Blanche............to her sill they cried.
She smile at them through tears as family died. smiled?

Destitute left one route to acquire,' odd punctuation, typo? and I'm not sure one acquires a route.
she traveled on the streetcar called desire;
descending on a slum nicknamed defeat, You may not need this comma.
where sweaty brutes brawled on the muddy street.
Inside, stained paint chips float from barren walls
and naked light bulbs, hung from wire, falls. bulbs fall, a bulb falls. I think you could rework this line to read smoother.

Flowers.........Flowers...........flowers for the dead.
Remembered loss revisited her with dread. Remembered and revisited together was a bit much for me.

Hand gripped upon a withered wooden chair, Hands would make more sense, but I'm not sure withered is the right word for a chair.
that sat beside the tattered tableware;
Blanche wore a satin robe, her lips in rose, Love the image, strong combined with age.
evading fading youth before its close. Youth is gone, no? Its close is off.
Despising charm her dull host unimpressed
returned her kind words with crass protest, Enjoyed the rhyme here.
Her hint of smile the veil of buried bliss
beneath her weary ways with death to this, "This" is weak.

Blanche.......Blanche.......though echoes threatened danger,
she clung to the arm of a kind stranger. This line feels weakened by being short.

g.e.Kaye 4/9/15

I hope some of this helps, nice read.

[LorettaYoung]

Hi, Loretta, on the whole this was pretty successful for me, it was easy to read and the story made sense. You  may be able to cut some lines that repeat the same thought in different words. The meter was strong enough to pull me through, there are stumbles that could be corrected but I'll have to leave that to someone more adept. I think the isolated couplets worked well. Most of the alliteration adds to an interesting read. A few notes are below.

Blanche
Her youth was clothed in frills and coy allure,
but time took lives and hope, then she was poor.
Her delicacy strained by counting fears, I like counting fears, though mounting fears might make more sense.
though charm and warmth survived long tired years.
She sought escape each night in an embrace
from soldiers passing through to a new place.
Blanche.........Blanche............to her sill they cried.
She smile at them through tears as family died. smiled?
Destitute left one route to acquire,' odd punctuation, typo? and I'm not sure one acquires a route.
she traveled on the streetcar called desire;
descending on a slum nicknamed defeat, You may not need this comma.
where sweaty brutes brawled on the muddy street.
Inside, stained paint chips float from barren walls
and naked light bulbs, hung from wire, falls. bulbs fall, a bulb falls. I think you could rework this line to read smoother.
Flowers.........Flowers...........flowers for the dead.
Remembered loss revisited her with dread. Remembered and revisited together was a bit much for me.
Hand gripped upon a withered wooden chair, Hands would make more sense, but I'm not sure withered is the right word for a chair.
that sat beside the tattered tableware;
Blanche wore a satin robe, her lips in rose, Love the image, strong combined with age.
evading fading youth before its close. Youth is gone, no? Its close is off.
Despising charm her dull host unimpressed
returned her kind words with crass protest, Enjoyed the rhyme here.
Her hint of smile the veil of buried bliss
beneath her weary ways with death to this, "This" is weak.
Blanche.......Blanche.......though echoes threatened danger,
she clung to the arm of a kind stranger. This line feels weakened by being short.
g.e.Kaye 4/9/15

I hope some of this helps, nice read.

Hi ellajam;  I did use mounting fears; changed it to counting because I was trying the suggest that her mind was affected; although mounting does sound better; though she counts them adds to her distress.  Good suggestion though.
Implied in the movie, Blanche's escape from the dying off of her family was to indulge in affairs; she was escaping to smiles; while she tearfully attended to dying family members; and increasing poverty; Perhaps the line is too vague, and I may not have expressed the implication well that her escape from her situation; remained with her charm and coy smiles. It's always been my favorite movie.
Yes, typo. I did question an English major about that line "to acquire", and was told it was OK, but truthfully, I'm not fond of the sound of it anyway.
Naked lights hanging from their wires from the ceiling: yes, could probably be smoother.
Think you are right about remembered and revisited; too close in meaning AND awkward readability I think? Thinking maybe revolved around her head? Whispered, taunted, sorry just thinking; she did hear voices, music whispers, echoes in her head in the movie. They spoke to her fragile condition and were so well done in the film.
Agree with hands, yes, withered applies to age and should reflect the environment, but I will look at other choices.
Youth is not gone gone, just fading; she tries to hide the visible evidence., the rose lips hopefully would relate I hoped
"This", of course, refers to the whole scene, situation, but you are right, it IS weak.
The line is 10 syllables; I wanted to make the last line refer to her last line in the movie, "I always appreciate the kindness of a stranger";
it also refers to her character;  while she suffered with dying family members; she was indulging her desires with strangers; but I struggled so with that line; it is aniclimatic, isn't it..
Thanks so much for this in depth critique, it is very helpful, and your positive comments.Best Loretta

[Tiger the Lion]

Hey Loretta. I think a poem can be successful in lots of different ways. In this case you've inspired me to go back and watch a film I haven't seen in years, based on a play I haven't read since school. So congrats! I have some thoughts but I will save them for the moment. ( only because the film may offer me additional context) I agree with most of Ella's observations and your explanations, so I think there is plenty for you to chew on for now. As for the last line, the syllable count by itself does not always reflect perfect line length. It takes care of the math, but not the mood. I see no reason why you couldn't use the movie line much closer to verbatim. You're never going to cram "appreciate" in there, but the rest is manageable and can still be given  your own angle. I'm off to make popcorn now - I'll be back.
Paul

[LorettaYoung]

Hey Loretta. I think a poem can be successful in lots of different ways. In this case you've inspired me to go back and watch a film I haven't seen in years, based on a play I haven't read since school. So congrats! I have some thoughts but I will save them for the moment. ( only because the film may offer me additional context) I agree with most of Ella's observations and your explanations, so I think there is plenty for you to chew on for now. As for the last line, the syllable count by itself does not always reflect perfect line length. It takes care of the math, but not the mood. I see no reason why you couldn't use the movie line much closer to verbatim. You're never going to cram "appreciate" in there, but the rest is manageable and can still be given  your own angle. I'm off to make popcorn now - I'll be back.
Paul

Hi Paul: It's always been my favorite; I find her character intriguing, and what she had to go through. Thank you for the last line comment: I struggled with it; and your advice is good.  Thanks for reading and comments; enjoy the movie. Best Loretta

[Tiger the Lion]

Hey Loretta. I watched the movie and thoroughly enjoyed it. I made some notes but I am out for the day. Promise I'll have some coherent thoughts for you by tomorrow.
BTW, her last line was " I've always depended on the kindness of strangers." Much easier to use a variation of depended than appreciated. Plus it's quite different in meaning too. Turns out words are important - who knew?
Paul

[LorettaYoung]

Hey Loretta. I watched the movie and thoroughly enjoyed it. I made some notes but I am out for the day. Promise I'll have some coherent thoughts for you by tomorrow.
BTW, her last line was " I've always depended on the kindness of strangers." Much easier to use a variation of depended than appreciated. Plus it's quite different in meaning too. Turns out words are important - who knew?
Paul

Hi Paul, So it seems, every word. And I was especially trying to be aware of your suggestion of Mood; very important; each word, the sound of it; ie; is it a crass or crude protest; Then again; within the sentence alliteration is concerned; I went with crude; he sure was. But the advice both you and ella gave me were so helpful, I think, I hope I addressed them. The reason I wanted something other than mounting fears, was that I am trying to depict a bit o an analysis, a process going on in her head.. That's why I mention no other names; it was hard to let go of the "Tarantula Arms" and much more, but I could NOT dispose of the naked lightbulb. dp hope it sounds better, good idea from ella, a lightbult, the commas, although unnecessary, are there for thought slowdown and emphasis. I'll wait to hear from you before I make any changes on the page. Change L2 but not thrilled, still a bit better. Thanks, I've seen the movie so............many times. Best Loretta

Hi again Paul: I worked on the things you and ella suggested, a lot, and so I will make an edit; knowing I will have to do more work again; and I wait to hear your thoughts on the move. Best Loretta

[Tiger the Lion]

Hey Loretta. Congrats on the edit.

Blanche - edit 1 (ellajam, Tiger the Lion)

Her youth was clothed in frills and coy allure.
But time took lives and hope, then she was poor.
Her delicacy drained by haunting fears,
though charm and warmth survived long tired years.
She sought escape each night in an embrace
from soldiers passing through to a new place:

Blanche......................Blanche....................,I'm not a fan of all the dots. Plain ellipses would be better IMO, and they don't require a comma after them.
to her window sill they cried.
She smiled at them, through tears, as family died. Her family is a bit of a non-sequitur here.

"Destitute", she stressed by frantic wire
then traveled on the streetcar named Desire;
descending to a slum dressed as defeat,
where greasy brutes brawled in the muddy street.
Inside (comma) stained paint chips float from barren walls,
a naked light bulb, hung from wire, falls.

Flowers........................Flowers.......................,
those buried with the dead,
their shadows echoed through her cloudy head.

Hands gripped upon a weathered wooden chair
that sat beside the tattered tableware.
Blanche wore a satin robe, her lips in rose,
evading fading youth before its close.
Despising charm her dense host unimpressed,
returning her finesse with crude protest.
Her hint of smile the veil of buried bliss
beneath her weary ways to this abyss. Abyss is a tricky word to keep from sounding cliche.

Blanche........................Blanche.......................,
though phantoms whispered danger,
depended on the kindness of a stranger.
g.e.Kaye 4/9/15


A couple of interesting quotes if you need crack filler:

"I don't want realism, I want magic"

"deliberate cruelty is not forgivable"

Lastly, I feel Blanche was terrified of being seen in full light. A recurring theme in the play not reflected in the poem. I think you hinted at it with "evading fading youth before its close." but you could exploit it further.
Hope I've been of some help.
 

Blanche - original

Her youth was clothed in frills and coy allure,
but time took lives and hope, then she was poor.
Her delicacy strained by counting fears,
though charm and warmth survived long tired years.
She sought escape each night in an embrace
from soldiers passing through to a new place.

Blanche.........Blanche............to her sill they cried.
She smile at them through tears as family died.

Destitute left one route to acquire,'
she traveled on the streetcar called desire;
descending on a slum nicknamed defeat,
where sweaty brutes brawled on the muddy street.
Inside, stained paint chips float from barren walls
and naked light bulbs, hung from wire, falls.

Flowers.........Flowers...........flowers for the dead.
Remembered loss revisited her with dread.

Hand gripped upon a withered wooden chair,
that sat beside the tattered tableware;
Blanche wore a satin robe, her lips in rose,
evading fading youth before its close.
Despising charm her dull host unimpressed
returned her kind words with crass protest,
Her hint of smile the veil of buried bliss
beneath her weary ways with death to this,

Blanche.......Blanche.......though echoes threatened danger,
she clung to the arm of a kind stranger.

g.e.Kaye 4/9/15

[LorettaYoung]

Hey Loretta. Congrats on the edit.

Blanche - edit 1 (ellajam, Tiger the Lion)
Her youth was clothed in frills and coy allure.
But time took lives and hope, then she was poor.
Her delicacy drained by haunting fears,
though charm and warmth survived long tired years.
She sought escape each night in an embrace
from soldiers passing through to a new place:
Blanche......................Blanche....................,I'm not a fan of all the dots. Plain ellipses would be better IMO, and they don't require a comma after them.
to her window sill they cried.
She smiled at them, through tears, as family died. Her family is a bit of a non-sequitur here.
"Destitute", she stressed by frantic wire
then traveled on the streetcar named Desire;
descending to a slum dressed as defeat,
where greasy brutes brawled in the muddy street.
Inside (comma) stained paint chips float from barren walls,
a naked light bulb, hung from wire, falls.
Flowers........................Flowers.......................,
those buried with the dead,
their shadows echoed through her cloudy head.
Hands gripped upon a weathered wooden chair
that sat beside the tattered tableware.
Blanche wore a satin robe, her lips in rose,
evading fading youth before its close.
Despising charm her dense host unimpressed,
returning her finesse with crude protest.
Her hint of smile the veil of buried bliss
beneath her weary ways to this abyss. Abyss is a tricky word to keep from sounding cliche.
Blanche........................Blanche.......................,
though phantoms whispered danger,
depended on the kindness of a stranger.
g.e.Kaye 4/9/15
A couple of interesting quotes if you need crack filler:
"I don't want realism, I want magic"
"deliberate cruelty is not forgivable"
Lastly, I feel Blanche was terrified of being seen in full light. A recurring theme in the play not reflected in the poem. I think you hinted at it with "evading fading youth before its close." but you could exploit it further.
Hope I've been of some help.
 
Blanche - original
Her youth was clothed in frills and coy allure,
but time took lives and hope, then she was poor.
Her delicacy strained by counting fears,
though charm and warmth survived long tired years.
She sought escape each night in an embrace
from soldiers passing through to a new place.
Blanche.........Blanche............to her sill they cried.
She smile at them through tears as family died.
Destitute left one route to acquire,'
she traveled on the streetcar called desire;
descending on a slum nicknamed defeat,
where sweaty brutes brawled on the muddy street.
Inside, stained paint chips float from barren walls
and naked light bulbs, hung from wire, falls.
Flowers.........Flowers...........flowers for the dead.
Remembered loss revisited her with dread.
Hand gripped upon a withered wooden chair,
that sat beside the tattered tableware;
Blanche wore a satin robe, her lips in rose,
evading fading youth before its close.
Despising charm her dull host unimpressed
returned her kind words with crass protest,
Her hint of smile the veil of buried bliss
beneath her weary ways with death to this,
Blanche.......Blanche.......though echoes threatened danger,
she clung to the arm of a kind stranger.
g.e.Kaye 4/9/15

Hi Paul: Well, I don't know what elllipses are, sorry, would they represent that eerie feeling Blanche was in when she had her visions, I'm not partial to dots.
That it reads as a non-sequitur, is probably an ineffective way I tried to allude to the time when Blanch tells stella
why they lost the masnion, how she tended to all the family that died, and the story tells how she escaped that in her embraces of strangers, smiling for them as she toiled.  But I agree, this sentence doesn't do that.
And considering your revelatory new areas, perhaps I must expand this.  Decision of to emit or expand death of family; as told; each one dying, she spoke of the taxes, and "all up in smoKe" 
Well, thank you very much for your help and comments; I will surely consider them.  Feel free if you have any other suggestions. Best Loretta
Hi again Paul: I wanted to let you know I made changes To S1, in line 2 and added lines S5-6. and the first, refrain? L3: This to hopefully elucidate her dual nature of tribulation and escape to her "magic" in embrace; why she both smiled and cried.
: I hope it isn't overkill. In stanza 3 , L4-5 were added to embellish her fears of age, that makes 4 lines here which address the issue: is that too much explaining. I hinted at magic, and cruelty. PS: know what ellipses are; can't find them. Thanks so much Paul for your help. Very much appreciate. Best Loretta