Baby, It's Cold Down Here

[71degrees]

Rejoice you are not here, flat dead
with the rest of us in one of those
earthen plots where they chisel
your name in a granite headstone;
instead we lie, naked and useless,
day in and night out, waiting
as an asthmatic waits for breath,
as a diabetic waits for insulin,
as a paraplegic waits for legs

This is the time to lie down and be
counted, to become a statistic lost
in the columns of life’s statistics:
divorces, college drop-outs,
death by tsunami, by rope
or carbon monoxide, by Viagra
overdose, the next order in a pizzeria,
premature ejaculations, vitamin B12
in your medicine cabinet, next
to the sharp razor and mirror you look
into every morning and pray to God
for another day to live and breathe

Edit #1

Rejoice you are not here, flat dead
in one of these earthen plots
where they chisel your real eternity
onto a granite headstone;
instead we lie, naked and useless,
day in and night out, waiting
as an asthmatic waits for breath,
as a diabetic yearns for insulin,
as a paraplegic fights for legs

This is the time to lie down
to watch how a snowflake quickens
onto the tongue of your child,
to understand how everything
ends with a single breath, to see
the razor on the counter
and the mirror you look into
every morning and pray to God
for another day to live and breathe

[jeremyyoung]

The only suggestion I have to change 'waits' in this list, personally I'd go for 'fights'... it's not a big issue as the wait,wait, wait,wait picks up on a theme.

as an asthmatic waits for breath,

as a diabetic waits for insulin,
as a paraplegic waits for legs

I rather like the mixture of American cynicism with a certain brand of mediaevil fatalism

[71degrees]

The only suggestion I have to change 'waits' in this list, personally I'd go for 'fights'... it's not a big issue as the wait,wait, wait,wait picks up on a theme.

as an asthmatic waits for breath,

as a diabetic waits for insulin,
as a paraplegic waits for legs

I rather like the mixture of American cynicism with a certain brand of mediaevil fatalism

Jeremy Young,

Thank you. I can support some kind of mixture, I guess, as an asthmatic might "fight" for a breath, but not sure a paraplegic "fights" for legs in that same sense. Same w/diabetic...they must "wait" for insulin, not fight for it. Thanks, again.

[jeremyyoung]

Oh I don't know - I know paraplegics who fight 'with' their legs - and perhaps you might be making a wider point (as you do elsewhere in the poem) about access to healthcare re: the diabetic.

[71degrees]

Oh I don't know - I know paraplegics who fight 'with' their legs - and perhaps you might be making a wider point (as you do elsewhere in the poem) about access to healthcare re: the diabetic.

I agree a paraplegic will / can fight "with" their legs. No argument there. Question of semantics, I guess...poem says "for"...not sure one could fight "for" missing legs. Although with the VA in our country, anything is possible. But my intent is not in this area. Thanks again for your insight. Appreciated.

[jkprry]

Ugh. 'flat dead' is wonderful.
I keep saying it over and over in my head.

S1L7,8,9: While all three lines prove your point, they just seem excessive. L7&L9 lend themselves to your burial imagery, but L8 has to be splinted between them. L9 is the most useless / pointless, so I think it lends itself the best.

S2L2,3: 'statistic's stacked on top of each other was a bit jarring.
S2L10: 'sharp razor' redundant?
S2L11,12: 'pray to God for another day' is quite cliche. And compared to the attitude of S2, this could have more bite.

S2: Ah! I love the cheekiness in the middle, off-shooting into 'b12 and pizzerias'. (How saucy!) I also like how quickly this read in relation to being an offhand statistic.
But, in the handful of your poems that I have read (a very small handful), I've noticed that you become verbose in order to keep your flow. For example, S1L2 could be completely omitted, save 'in'. While I recognize the value in 'rest of us', the phrase has a pretty full skirt! There is also a bit of this in S2L1 and S2L11&12.

But oooh, flat dead. Flat dead.

[71degrees]

Ugh. 'flat dead' is wonderful.
I keep saying it over and over in my head.

S1L7,8,9: While all three lines prove your point, they just seem excessive. L7&L9 lend themselves to your burial imagery, but L8 has to be splinted between them. L9 is the most useless / pointless, so I think it lends itself the best.

S2L2,3: 'statistic's stacked on top of each other was a bit jarring.
S2L10: 'sharp razor' redundant?
S2L11,12: 'pray to God for another day' is quite cliche. And compared to the attitude of S2, this could have more bite.

S2: Ah! I love the cheekiness in the middle, off-shooting into 'b12 and pizzerias'. (How saucy!) I also like how quickly this read in relation to being an offhand statistic.
But, in the handful of your poems that I have read (a very small handful), I've noticed that you become verbose in order to keep your flow. For example, S1L2 could be completely omitted, save 'in'. While I recognize the value in 'rest of us', the phrase has a pretty full skirt! There is also a bit of this in S2L1 and S2L11&12.

But oooh, flat dead. Flat dead.

Your line by line is VERY helpful. Thank you so much. Glad you liked "flat dead"...and I'm dead serious.

---

I thought this was an good poem in the way that people are so delicate, and yet so expandable. However there was one thing that threw me off, and that was the use of "statistic" twice. I couldn't  offer any suggestions on how that might be changed. Another thing i did like was how relatable, yet serious, some of the topics listed are.

Statistic(s) used twice comment is well taken. Thanks. Appreciate it.

[Psyche]

Your first six lines captured me with interest, heavy material exposed without flowering.  The seventh and eighth lines are my favourite.  

as an asthmatic waits for breath,
as a diabetic waits for insulin,

This to me is hearing my own pulse beating within.  These lines make me feel my breath, they bring me into a surreal moment and this for me is what poetry is all about.

as a paraplegic waits for legs

Not sure how correct you desire your poetry to be but a paraplegic has legs, just no sense of or ability to move them.  

The last word of the twelfth line, statistic is repetitive and distracting, it jars me back into the common reality of just reading words and just like that my love affair with this piece slowly starts to disintegrate.  This feeling only furthers as I read the remainder of the poem.  A recital of overly used images.  The entire second leg of this poem is stale, unwanted and unneeded.  I am left wanting, not because of grand mystery or illusion but because this felt like it was going somewhere, maybe off a cliff into the great unknown but really it only dug itself into the ground and is now hiding from its own potential epiphany.

[71degrees]

Your first six lines captured me with interest, heavy material exposed without flowering.  The seventh and eighth lines are my favourite.  

as an asthmatic waits for breath,
as a diabetic waits for insulin,

This to me is hearing my own pulse beating within.  These lines make me feel my breath, they bring me into a surreal moment and this for me is what poetry is all about.

as a paraplegic waits for legs

Not sure how correct you desire your poetry to be but a paraplegic has legs, just no sense of or ability to move them.  

The last word of the twelfth line, statistic is repetitive and distracting, it jars me back into the common reality of just reading words and just like that my love affair with this piece slowly starts to disintegrate.  This feeling only furthers as I read the remainder of the poem.  A recital of overly used images.  The entire second leg of this poem is stale, unwanted and unneeded.  I am left wanting, not because of grand mystery or illusion but because this felt like it was going somewhere, maybe off a cliff into the great unknown but really it only dug itself into the ground and is now hiding from its own potential epiphany.

Love the observation about the legs. Very astute. "Statistic" has been mentioned more than once. Like your approach to the second half of the poem. Thanks. More than once.

[71degrees]

Edit #1

Rejoice you are not here, flat dead
in one of these earthen plots
where they chisel your real eternity
onto a granite headstone;
instead we lie, naked and useless,
day in and night out, waiting
as an asthmatic waits for breath,
as a diabetic yearns for insulin,
as a paraplegic fights for legs

This is the time to lie down
to watch how a snowflake quickens
onto the tongue of your child,
to understand how everything
ends with a single breath, to see
the razor on the counter
and the mirror you look into
every morning and pray to God
for another day to live and breathe

[TimeOut]

Yes yes yes. I love this so much. Really, you have such a unique voice when it comes to such a cliched topic as death. I only offer two comments...

"as an asthmatic waits for breath,
as a diabetic yearns for insulin,
as a paraplegic fights for legs"

These three lines are too much. They're really the only acknowledgement you give to desires of the living.

Asthmatics: passive
Diabetic: active
Paraplegic: active, but how is he fighting for legs?

These three lines are your chance to hit home, and I think you can provide more cohesive comparisons...just my two cents, but I do think this poem is beautiful.

[Wjames]

I'll just look at your edit.

Edit #1

Rejoice you are not here, flat dead
in one of these earthen plots
where they chisel your real eternity I don't know if you need "real".
onto a granite headstone; you could cut "to" as well.
instead we lie, naked and useless,
day in and night out, waiting
as an asthmatic waits for breath,
as a diabetic yearns for insulin,
as a paraplegic fights for legs I don't know if a paraplegic "fights for legs", unless its with the healthcare system somehow, but I don't think that's what this is about. I can see something like "dreams of legs" working, I can see a paraplegic literally having legs in their dreams.

This is the time to lie down
to watch how a snowflake quickens There are lots of "to's" in this stanza, I think you could change this one to "and".
onto the tongue of your child,
to understand how everything
ends with a single breath, to see
the razor on the counter
and the mirror you look into
every morning and pray to God
for another day to live and breathe

I like it, just a couple things here and there you might want to think about.