Savannah

[cjchaffin]

Savannah

Your sweet magnolia scent
mingles with the heat of my skin,
wet hands clutching crushed petals.

I offer them to the sea
and lie down in the cool shallows.

Stretched out on Georgia sands
where clay meets saltwater,
I finally whisper your name.

[Tiger the Lion]

Savannah

Your sweet magnolia scent
mingles with the heat of my skin,if you don't want to say "like wet hands" you may need a semi-colon after "skin"
wet hands clutching crushed petals. I'm unsure about heat radiating from wet hands

I offer them to the sea -slight ambiguity - are you offering your hands or the petals?
and lie down in the cool shallows. do you need "the"

Stretched out on Georgia sands
where clay meets saltwater,
I finally whisper your name. Beautiful

Hey CJ. This is lovely. My notes are hopefully a little food for thought, but really just little tweaks.
Thanks for the read,
Paul

[cjchaffin]

Savannah

Your sweet magnolia scent
mingles with the heat of my skin,if you don't want to say "like wet hands" you may need a semi-colon after "skin"
wet hands clutching crushed petals. I'm unsure about heat radiating from wet hands

I offer them to the sea -slight ambiguity - are you offering your hands or the petals?
and lie down in the cool shallows. do you need "the"

Stretched out on Georgia sands
where clay meets saltwater,
I finally whisper your name. Beautiful

Hey CJ. This is lovely. My notes are hopefully a little food for thought, but really just little tweaks.
Thanks for the read,
Paul

 
thanks Paul. all valid points. i'm grateful for the read and critique.

[christophx]

Savannah

Your sweet magnolia scent
mingles with the heat of my skin, Really strong start, simply a pleasure to read
wet hands clutching crushed petals. The phrase "wet hands" seems out of place to me here, although I understand what you're saying clearly.

I offer them to the sea I feel that if you reword this (remove "offer them") there is more room for an image that really allows you to express your ideas effectively
and lie down in the cool shallows.

Stretched out on Georgia sands
where clay meets saltwater,
I finally whisper your name. Really pleasing, gentle

I like it a lot. Inspiring to me,especially

[cjchaffin]

Savannah

Your sweet magnolia scent
mingles with the heat of my skin, Really strong start, simply a pleasure to read
wet hands clutching crushed petals. The phrase "wet hands" seems out of place to me here, although I understand what you're saying clearly.

I offer them to the sea I feel that if you reword this (remove "offer them") there is more room for an image that really allows you to express your ideas effectively
and lie down in the cool shallows.

Stretched out on Georgia sands
where clay meets saltwater,
I finally whisper your name. Really pleasing, gentle

I like it a lot. Inspiring to me,especially

thank you for taking the time to read and critique, it is much appreciated.

---

Savannah

Your sweet magnolia scent
mingles with the heat of my skin,
wet hands clutching crushed petals. --------Whose hands? Yours? I know what you're attempting to convey, but the wording fails.

I offer them to the sea --------where'd the sea pop up from? First strophe doesn't lead to the shore; you could just as well have been gardening.
and lie down in the cool shallows. -------"lie down" can be improved upon.

Stretched out on Georgia sands---------"Stretched out"--even poorer than "lie down."
where clay meets saltwater,---------clay? nah. An unpoetic line.
I finally whisper your name. ----------Savannah? We already knew that from the title. Sorry, but it's a weak ending.

Due to its theme, I wanted to like this poem, but the writing is a let-down for me. A re-write, with additional and better lines, and more interesting word choices,
is my suggestion. Offered to help improve your writing skills. Understand that you are not your poem--don't take it personally.

thank you for your candor, you raise some valid questions that i will take into consideration. i take nothing personally. i'm here to improve, otherwise what is the point of posting in this forum.