The Sinner

[Voker101]

Who slaughtered the lamb?
There's blood on his hands. The Angels done watched him.
They caught him red handed.
With horns on his head
and thorns for a crown
With Death in his bed
and glee on his frown
His conscience is yawning
Guilt by the gallows
The vultures are waiting
to feast on his morals.
He thirsts for more power.
The glass is half empty.
The moon's a fool.
He stole the stars.
He prays for a clean slate
But he gets ravens in reply
He's banned from the Heavens
If one door closes
Another one opens
Enter at Hell's gates.
My screaming is silent.
I hate this asylum.

[Brownlie]

Who slaughtered the lamb?
There' blood on his hands.-- There's
 The Angels done watched him.
They caught him red handed. -- Red handed is a cliche, and you already used the word hand.

With horns on his head
and thorns for a crown
With Death in his bed -- 
and glee on his frown

His conscience is yawning
Guilt by the gallows
The vultures are waiting
to feast on his morals.

He thirsts for more power.
The glass is half empty.
The moon's a fool.
He stole the stars.

He prays for a clean slate
But he gets ravens in reply
He's banned from the Heavens

If one door closes
Another one opens
Enter at Hell's gates.

My screaming is silent.
I hate this asylum.

Perhaps this will interest you.

"Death is a shadow-like character who appears in Book II of Paradise Lost, but is only mentioned briefly and fleetingly. Allegorically, he is the consequence of Satan's sin. He is not as sad a figure as Sin because he is empowered and in control of his condition. However, Death is malicious and armed, an aggressive character, carrying arrows and darts. Rather than suffering himself, Death takes pleasure in human pain and also in inflicting this pain. The only thing he fears is the Son who is fated to destroy him."
- http://darknessvisible.christs.cam.ac.uk...death.html

[Voker101]

Who slaughtered the lamb?
There' blood on his hands.-- There's
 The Angels done watched him.
They caught him red handed. -- Red handed is a cliche, and you already used the word hand.

With horns on his head
and thorns for a crown
With Death in his bed -- 
and glee on his frown

His conscience is yawning
Guilt by the gallows
The vultures are waiting
to feast on his morals.

He thirsts for more power.
The glass is half empty.
The moon's a fool.
He stole the stars.

He prays for a clean slate
But he gets ravens in reply
He's banned from the Heavens

If one door closes
Another one opens
Enter at Hell's gates.

My screaming is silent.
I hate this asylum.

Perhaps this will interest you.

"Death is a shadow-like character who appears in Book II of Paradise Lost, but is only mentioned briefly and fleetingly. Allegorically, he is the consequence of Satan's sin. He is not as sad a figure as Sin because he is empowered and in control of his condition. However, Death is malicious and armed, an aggressive character, carrying arrows and darts. Rather than suffering himself, Death takes pleasure in human pain and also in inflicting this pain. The only thing he fears is the Son who is fated to destroy him."
- http://darknessvisible.christs.cam.ac.uk...death.html

That lore is pretty cool. And I did the red handed thing to play off of blood being on his hands.

[milo]

Who slaughtered the lamb?
There' blood on his hands.-- There's
 The Angels done watched him.
They caught him red handed. -- Red handed is a cliche, and you already used the word hand.

With horns on his head
and thorns for a crown
With Death in his bed -- 
and glee on his frown

His conscience is yawning
Guilt by the gallows
The vultures are waiting
to feast on his morals.

He thirsts for more power.
The glass is half empty.
The moon's a fool.
He stole the stars.

He prays for a clean slate
But he gets ravens in reply
He's banned from the Heavens

If one door closes
Another one opens
Enter at Hell's gates.

My screaming is silent.
I hate this asylum.

Perhaps this will interest you.

"Death is a shadow-like character who appears in Book II of Paradise Lost, but is only mentioned briefly and fleetingly. Allegorically, he is the consequence of Satan's sin. He is not as sad a figure as Sin because he is empowered and in control of his condition. However, Death is malicious and armed, an aggressive character, carrying arrows and darts. Rather than suffering himself, Death takes pleasure in human pain and also in inflicting this pain. The only thing he fears is the Son who is fated to destroy him."
- http://darknessvisible.christs.cam.ac.uk...death.html

That lore is pretty cool. And I did the red handed thing to play off of blood being on his hands.

the cliche red-handed was originally created to signify blood on the hands so that isn't really a new angle.

[Voker101]

Perhaps this will interest you.

"Death is a shadow-like character who appears in Book II of Paradise Lost, but is only mentioned briefly and fleetingly. Allegorically, he is the consequence of Satan's sin. He is not as sad a figure as Sin because he is empowered and in control of his condition. However, Death is malicious and armed, an aggressive character, carrying arrows and darts. Rather than suffering himself, Death takes pleasure in human pain and also in inflicting this pain. The only thing he fears is the Son who is fated to destroy him."
- http://darknessvisible.christs.cam.ac.uk...death.html

That lore is pretty cool. And I did the red handed thing to play off of blood being on his hands.

the cliche red-handed was originally created to signify blood on the hands so that isn't really a new angle.

Ah I shouldve known

[LorettaYoung]

Who slaughtered the lamb?
There's blood on his hands. The Angels done watched him.I think two lines here, and have watched him
They caught him red handed.Who have the angels watched and who was caught
With horns on his head The devil?
and thorns for a crown Jesus
With Death in his bed
and glee on his frown Like this line
His conscience is yawning
Guilt by the gallows
The vultures are waiting
to feast on his morals. Judus?
He thirsts for more power. who?
The glass is half empty. Please make this clear; how dies it relate?
The moon's a fool. these two lines create a sudden abrupt in change; anyway, the moon and stars? How do they relate?
He stole the stars.


He prays for a clean slate
But he gets ravens in replyblack raven reply
He's banned from the Heavens Rejected from heaven
If one door closes He finds the door closed
Another one opens Line not necessary
Enter at Hell's gates. Then enters Hell's gates
My screaming is silent. Perhaps these two lines should be on their own since they change the mood; to lay emphasis on them
I hate this asylum.

Hi, one thing you have to do is see how each line relates to each other and be more information. Also, try not to make this a series of one line disconnected statement. I know you have an idea here, try to work on it.  I hope some suggestions above might be helpful. I wish you good luck. Loretta

---

Who slaughtered the lamb?
There's blood on his hands. The Angels done watched him.I think two lines here, and have watched him
They caught him red handed.Who have the angels watched and who was caught
With horns on his head The devil?
and thorns for a crown Jesus
With Death in his bed
and glee on his frown Like this line
His conscience is yawning
Guilt by the gallows
The vultures are waiting
to feast on his morals. Judus?
He thirsts for more power. who?
The glass is half empty. Please make this clear; how dies it relate?
The moon's a fool. these two lines create a sudden abrupt in change; anyway, the moon and stars? How do they relate?
He stole the stars.


He prays for a clean slate
But he gets ravens in replyblack raven reply
He's banned from the Heavens Rejected from heaven
If one door closes He finds the door closed
Another one opens Line not necessary
Enter at Hell's gates. Then enters Hell's gates
My screaming is silent. Perhaps these two lines should be on their own since they change the mood; to lay emphasis on them
I hate this asylum.

Hi, one thing you have to do is see how each line relates to each other and be more information. Also, try not to make this a series of one line disconnected statement. I know you have an idea here, try to work on it.  I hope some suggestions above might be helpful. I wish you good luck. Loretta PS: I think the other poets suggestion of break the poem into stanza's a very good idea.

[Voker101]

Who slaughtered the lamb?
There's blood on his hands. The Angels done watched him.I think two lines here, and have watched him
They caught him red handed.Who have the angels watched and who was caught
With horns on his head The devil?
and thorns for a crown Jesus
With Death in his bed
and glee on his frown Like this line
His conscience is yawning
Guilt by the gallows
The vultures are waiting
to feast on his morals. Judus?
He thirsts for more power. who?
The glass is half empty. Please make this clear; how dies it relate?
The moon's a fool. these two lines create a sudden abrupt in change; anyway, the moon and stars? How do they relate?
He stole the stars.


He prays for a clean slate
But he gets ravens in replyblack raven reply
He's banned from the Heavens Rejected from heaven
If one door closes He finds the door closed
Another one opens Line not necessary
Enter at Hell's gates. Then enters Hell's gates
My screaming is silent. Perhaps these two lines should be on their own since they change the mood; to lay emphasis on them
I hate this asylum.

Hi, one thing you have to do is see how each line relates to each other and be more information. Also, try not to make this a series of one line disconnected statement. I know you have an idea here, try to work on it.  I hope some suggestions above might be helpful. I wish you good luck. Loretta

---

Who slaughtered the lamb?
There's blood on his hands. The Angels done watched him.I think two lines here, and have watched him
They caught him red handed.Who have the angels watched and who was caught
With horns on his head The devil?
and thorns for a crown Jesus
With Death in his bed
and glee on his frown Like this line
His conscience is yawning
Guilt by the gallows
The vultures are waiting
to feast on his morals. Judus?
He thirsts for more power. who?
The glass is half empty. Please make this clear; how dies it relate?
The moon's a fool. these two lines create a sudden abrupt in change; anyway, the moon and stars? How do they relate?
He stole the stars.


He prays for a clean slate
But he gets ravens in replyblack raven reply
He's banned from the Heavens Rejected from heaven
If one door closes He finds the door closed
Another one opens Line not necessary
Enter at Hell's gates. Then enters Hell's gates
My screaming is silent. Perhaps these two lines should be on their own since they change the mood; to lay emphasis on them
I hate this asylum.

Hi, one thing you have to do is see how each line relates to each other and be more information. Also, try not to make this a series of one line disconnected statement. I know you have an idea here, try to work on it.  I hope some suggestions above might be helpful. I wish you good luck. Loretta PS: I think the other poets suggestion of break the poem into stanza's a very good idea.

Loretta, thanks a ton! As for who the narrator is suppose to be, he doesn't have a clear identity because I want it to ultimately be up to the reader's interpretation of who he is. I put in a lot of allegories like "thorns for a crown" or "horns on his head" because I think it really mystifies the narrator and makes the reading that much more thought provoking. You are right about the moon part, Haha my original line was "He'd steal all the stars just to piss of the moon." But i really wanted to play off the pronunciation of "fool" sounding like "full". "He thirsts for more power, the glass is half empty" i was meaning that the power he already has feels very inadequate to him. And the last two lines could mean that the narrator is insane and just imagining since he's in an asylum, which is for the mentally handicapped, or that he is in hell, and hell is his new asylum. Either way, at the end of the poem, The narrator is the one who slaughtered the lamb. I shouldve have done a better job at making that more clear. I like making things vague for multiple entendres or different outcomes depending on what the reader thinks. Thanks for reading Loretta!

[billy]

in general it has lots of cliche, the red hand being the least of them although it's still a big one.

There's blood on his hands

If one door closes
Another one opens

The glass is half empty.

My screaming is silent.

The vultures are waiting

He thirsts for more power.

are the others. all they do is weaken poetry, it's true that a cliche can work in a certain piece of poetry but sadly this is not one of them. it seems to be Easter based. though it rambles elsewhere. at present it doesn't have much coherency, it doesn't transition well from one phrase to another. my suggestion would be to try and use original phrases and smooth out the telling of it.

on other sites this would probably be hailed as modern and out there but you're lucky; here we try our best to be honest and fair. stick with it, try and do a few edit in order to knock it into shape. even if it means a complete makeover.

Who slaughtered the lamb?
There's blood on his hands. The Angels done watched him. why two lines here and nowhere else?
They caught him red handed.
With horns on his head
and thorns for a crown
With Death in his bed
and glee on his frown
His conscience is yawning
Guilt by the gallows
The vultures are waiting
to feast on his morals.
He thirsts for more power.
The glass is half empty.
The moon's a fool.
He stole the stars.
He prays for a clean slate
But he gets ravens in reply
He's banned from the Heavens
If one door closes
Another one opens
Enter at Hell's gates.
My screaming is silent.
I hate this asylum.

[Voker101]

in general it has lots of cliche, the red hand being the least of them although it's still a big one.

There's blood on his hands

If one door closes
Another one opens

The glass is half empty.

My screaming is silent.

The vultures are waiting

He thirsts for more power.

are the others. all they do is weaken poetry, it's true that a cliche can work in a certain piece of poetry but sadly this is not one of them.  it seems to be Easter based. though it rambles elsewhere. at present it doesn't have much coherency, it doesn't transition well from one phrase to another. my suggestion would be to try and use original phrases and smooth out the telling of it.

on other sites this would probably be hailed as modern and out there but you're lucky; here we try our best to be honest and fair. stick with it, try and do a few edit in order to knock it into shape. even if it means a complete makeover.  

Who slaughtered the lamb?
There's blood on his hands. The Angels done watched him. why two lines here and nowhere else?
They caught him red handed.
With horns on his head
and thorns for a crown
With Death in his bed
and glee on his frown
His conscience is yawning
Guilt by the gallows
The vultures are waiting
to feast on his morals.
He thirsts for more power.
The glass is half empty.
The moon's a fool.
He stole the stars.
He prays for a clean slate
But he gets ravens in reply
He's banned from the Heavens
If one door closes
Another one opens
Enter at Hell's gates.
My screaming is silent.
I hate this asylum.

Thanks Billy. I see what you're saying. I appreciate you giving my poem a chance.

[Erthona]

A lot of your answers to other people's critiques would be better than what you have as lines here, if for no other reason they are more explanatory. I'm moving the second part of L2 to L3 as it seems a typo.

Who slaughtered the lamb?  (To me "slaughtered" seems overly dramatic. I think slaughtered something that does not exists, at least not in what you are trying to imply. You might want to consider starting "He killed the Lamb -there's blood on his hands-the Angels watched unmoving" That has a nice smoothness to the line)
There's blood on his hands. (I would drop this line, unless you want to appear to implicate Pilot, which I don't think you want to.  But then again maybe you do. It seems you want to change the protagonist often to include all who were involed in this act)
The Angels done watched him. (Obviously "done" must be excised unless you want the speaker to sound like a redneck.)
They caught him red handed.  (No, sorry, but no. You might as well say they hung him in the end. "we caught'em red handed Marshall Dillon. Well string'em up Festus, string'em up!)
With horns on his head (drop "with". Need to choose between these two line, or combine them. Maybe, "His two horns poke through his crown of thorns". This gives a nice internal rhyme although it disrupts the end rhyme, but I think incidental rhyme for emphasis might serve you better, especially as the meter is inconsistent.)
and thorns for a crown
With Death in his bed
and glee on his frown (does either of these two lines do much. I don't really see it. One cannot have glee on a frown. A frown is a physical effect of the mouth reflecting unhappiness or similar emotion, one cannot superimpose glee on this. As glee is an emotion of happiness at someone else' misfortune, one can see how it would be impossible to have the same facial expression represent both unhappiness and happiness at the same time.)
His conscience is yawning (How does a conscience yawn, maybe reeling?)
Guilt by the gallows  (this is a dependent clause that is not attached to an independent clause, it is obviously not attached to what comes before or after. If you are trying to be satiric by using circular logic. You need to make it more plain what you mean to say, at least something to the effect of, "He was guilty by way of the gallows." Meaning the only guilt he showed was the inference of being guilty because he was hung. )
The vultures are waiting
to feast on his morals. (As the reader does not know who "he" is it is impossible to evaluate this line. I will address this more in depth later. The lack of knowledge of the protagonist that is.)
He thirsts for more power.
The glass is half empty. (Maybe reverse these and half full instead of empty "the glass stands half full, yet he still thirst for power.")
The moon's a fool.
He stole the stars. (This makes it sound like the moon stole the stars, still neither seems to make much sense. I'm sure you have an idea of what you mean to convey, but you simply have not conveyed it here. As I have no idea what that is I can offer no help)
He prays for a clean slate (He prays to be given a clean slate, only ravens the reply. I'd probably go with ashes, but I really don't understand what you are going for with ravens. The only thing I might guess at is in the Bible ravens were considered unclean because they ate carrion, although I don't quite see how that would fit. Most other cultures see ravens as positive symbols: Self-knowledge, Magic, Mysteries, Creation, Divination, Wisdom, Truth, Answers. I guess in some aboriginal groups the raven represents death. Seems like the Denay thought like this, sort of the intermediary. )
But he gets ravens in reply
He's banned from the Heavens
If one door closes
Another one opens (extremely trite)
Enter at Hell's gates.
My screaming is silent.
I hate this asylum. (If this is Satan, it seems contrary to modern perception, which means any time past Milton, "Better to reign in Hell, than serve in Heaven!" But who else has been banned from heaven. During the time of Christ, Satan was still seen as the tempter, the same role he played with Job, a role that God put him up to. So only a more modern perception would match this, one that had been formed of Dante and Milton.)

________________________________________________________________________________________
There are three important items to cover here. There is the problem of the protagonist, and that the protagonist keeps changing. I can see what you are maybe meaning to do, that is show that everyone had a hand in the killing. There are illusions to humanity is general, Satan, Pilot, Judas and so on. The problem I see is the approach is very stream of consciousness. I could go into the technical aspects of why SOC does not work well in poetry, but the main problem here is length. The poem is simply to short to develop those things that make SOC functional. I understand your wanting to leave the protagonist(s) undefined, but that simply leads to confusion.
When people read this they will not try to understand what you are saying, their attention will be on trying to decide who is who, this is simply human curiosity, but for most it is necessary to be able to answer the question of meaning, or what is the poet trying to convey.  So such an approach takes the focus off of where it should be and puts it on something that is technically problematic.    
Thematically what has been introduced is on the level of an epic in terms of the ground it needs to cover to do justice to it. Maybe not Homerian is scope, but certainly needs to be longer and needs much weightier lines , whether satire or not. This feels to me like it is a synopsis of the poem.
Last point, the point of view of the speaker needs some consistency. The speaker cannot at one moment be omniscient (view what angels are doing) and the next being the protagonist. "My screaming is silent. I hate this asylum."

I think this is a very great idea, but it is probably going to be difficult to pull off. I certainly attempted things like this while I was still young, some of the ideas were good, some overblown, most I handled poorly simply because I had yet to develop the skill. I am not saying you are bound by this, just that I was. I look forward to seeing what you do with this. I thank you, you have got me in the mood for some "Paradise Lost."

Best,

Dale      

[first_high_of_the_day]

To me this poem is on the track to being good. The overall idea is loose, without a clear direction, but it's there. The wordplay is like someone read an article online about how to be clever, but doesn't actually understand the concept. You basically just took a bunch of cliche phrases and tried to make them work together. You didn't do a bad job of it, but this is the poetic equivalent to an almost shitty remix of a bunch of popular songs. Certainly you could move towards better remixes, and certainly you would learn a lot about writing. Is that your goal?

Basically my advice is either be original or learn how to use other people's words properly. Be clever with your own words first.