Deathstalker-Edit 1

[onepapa]

Revised:

Deathstalker (leiurus quinquestriatus)

Blue Afghan skies watch
ancient Khyber Pass
and Spin Gar's empty hills.

Nothing moves in the rifle scope.
Acrid wind stirs my ghillie,
calescent air shimmering.

I wait in absolute stillness,
desert mountain silence
enveloping me.

Home's a smoky memory,
blurred by blood,
manifold missions and fear.

A scorpion scuttles
across my shooting mat,
nescient of alien presence.

Deathstalker stinger raised,
it crouches in the shadows,
waiting for prey.

Movement:
Insurgents debouch the defile.
Hunters hunting me.

I breathe deep to slow my heart,
three hundred win mag
cool against my cheek.

I hold the leader's profile
in the reticle.
A man like me.

The scorpion stirs.
I pray for survival
and forgiveness.







___________________________________________________________________________

Original version of Deathstalker:


(The Deathstalker scorpion, Leiurus Quinquestriatus, is yellow in color with a smooth five striped tail.  The adults are about 2 1/2 inches long.  They are one of the most deadly scorpions.  Their range includes North Africa and most of the Middle East.)


Nothing moves
in my spotting scope;
field of fire clear
two thousand yards.

Blue Afghan skies
watch Khyber's ancient pass
and empty hills.

Acrid wind stirs my ghille bush,
calescent air shimmers,
three hundred win mag
cool against my cheek.

Home's a smoky memory,
blurred by blood and terror.
Survival is all I ask.

A scorpion scuttles
across my shooting pad,
stinger poised,
hurrying to a hiding place.

Movement.
Insurgents debouch the defile.
Hunters hunting me.

[tectak]

(The Deathstalker scorpion, Leiurus Quinquestriatus, is yellow in color with a smooth five striped tail.  The adults are about 2 1/2 inches long.  They are one of the most deadly scorpions.  Their range includes North Africa and most of the Middle East.)


Nothing moves
in my spotting scope;
field of fire clear perhaps a little squiggly mark here...unless this is expedient military communications talk. But it is not clear.
two thousand yards.

Blue Afghan skies
watch Khyber's ancient pass I am happy to be wrong here, but it is NOT Khyber's Pass but Khyber Pass; rather as Cheddar Gorge is not Cheddar's Gorge. Is there a place called Khyber? A marauder called Khyber? I do not know
and empty hills. Rather nice in a primary colour way. I have this sense of distance, big sky, cleanliness even. Yes to this.

Acrid wind stirs my ghille bush, Is this in code? I will look up your ghille later but I think you mean Ghillie...or not.
calescent air shimmers, Calescent....haven't heard that since Malta 1968. Very nice choice.
three hundred win mag
cool against my cheek. ...getting esoteric but I trust you. You show confidence....I get confident

Home's a smoky memory,
blurred by blood and terror.
Survival is all I ask.

A scorpion scuttles
across my shooting pad,
stinger poised,
hurrying to a hiding place.

Movement.
Insurgents debouch the defile.
Hunters hunting me. A little emptily precipitous. This makes the ending a little infra dig. I was hoping for more. Perhaps that's how it was. I was not there.

Hi,
....and I do not feel enough of what you felt. There is germination here. I want the piece to grow some more. The first green fuse is not enough to tell me what this is going to become. By using such short, meterless, unrhymed lines you cheat yourself in to thinking your piece is longer than it is (alright, alright...settle down at the back). Could I boldly ask that you make poetry of this? Even it out, enjamb if you must. I can understand the discipline-based adherence to concatenated speech but it makes the poetry pedestrian. OK, maybe that IS intentional...your poem but where's the metaphor?
Best,
tectak

[onepapa]

(The Deathstalker scorpion, Leiurus Quinquestriatus, is yellow in color with a smooth five striped tail.  The adults are about 2 1/2 inches long.  They are one of the most deadly scorpions.  Their range includes North Africa and most of the Middle East.)


Nothing moves
in my spotting scope;
field of fire clear perhaps a little squiggly mark here...unless this is expedient military communications talk. But it is not clear.
two thousand yards.

Blue Afghan skies
watch Khyber's ancient pass I am happy to be wrong here, but it is NOT Khyber's Pass but Khyber Pass; rather as Cheddar Gorge is not Cheddar's Gorge. Is there a place called Khyber? A marauder called Khyber? I do not know
and empty hills. Rather nice in a primary colour way. I have this sense of distance, big sky, cleanliness even. Yes to this.

Acrid wind stirs my ghille bush, Is this in code? I will look up your ghille later but I think you mean Ghillie...or not.
calescent air shimmers, Calescent....haven't heard that since Malta 1968. Very nice choice.
three hundred win mag
cool against my cheek. ...getting esoteric but I trust you. You show confidence....I get confident

Home's a smoky memory,
blurred by blood and terror.
Survival is all I ask.

A scorpion scuttles
across my shooting pad,
stinger poised,
hurrying to a hiding place.

Movement.
Insurgents debouch the defile.
Hunters hunting me. A little emptily precipitous. This makes the ending a little infra dig. I was hoping for more. Perhaps that's how it was. I was not there.

Hi,
....and I do not feel enough of what you felt. There is germination here. I want the piece to grow some more. The first green fuse is not enough to tell me what this is going to become. By using such short, meterless, unrhymed lines you cheat yourself in to thinking your piece is longer than it is (alright, alright...settle down at the back). Could I boldly ask that you make poetry of this? Even it out, enjamb if you must. I can understand the discipline-based adherence to concatenated speech but it makes the poetry pedestrian. OK, maybe that IS intentional...your poem but where's the metaphor?
Best,
tectak

tectak,

Thanks for commenting. My typo on ghillie is sloppy and your comment on Khyber is exactly right. I was thinking of the Khyber road and trying to be a bit different by using Khyber's Pass rather than Khyber Pass but this will get fixed in the editing. I used the terse syntax and structure in an attempt to evoke the harsh empty feeling of the desolate terrain and the situation. Perhaps I liked the idea of the Deathstalker scorpion set next to the deathstalker sniper too much. You have given me good insights for the edit. Thank you.

onepapa

[Erthona]

I would not introduce the poem with an explanation. It sets the focus of the poem and so the reader is thinking about this scorpion, waiting for it to appear throughout the entire poem. Suggestion. Include title in Body with asterisk, then explanation at end of poem. Example:

Deathstalker*

(POEM)

*Explanation

To my mind this is less disruptive to the poem, although as you are using it metaphorically/symbolically as well as literally I think such an explanation limits the use of the term within the poem. If one queries "Deathstalker" in Wiki, the first thing that comes up is the Deathstalker Scorpion. So that seems like a pretty easily accessible item and probably does not needed to be included at all. Maybe just

"A Deathstalker scorpion scuttles
across my shooting pad,"

would do.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
Note: Although I haven't read Tom's critique, I generally agree with him, so there may be some repetition.

Nothing moves
in my spotting scope;
field of fire clear         (for?)
two thousand yards.

Blue Afghan skies  (maybe try moving "watch" to this line so that the next two lines balance each other.)
watch Khyber's ancient pass (maybe "ancient Khyber pass

and empty hills.                     and empty [descriptor] hills" So this balances. could be something like"the empty and sallow hills" better yet a place name, like "the empty Khajjiar hills".)

Acrid wind stirs my ghille bush, (Is this the same as a Ghille suite? Maybe less authentic, but suite is more recognizable)
calescent air shimmers,
three hundred win mag
cool against my cheek. (nice image)


Home's a smoky memory,  (this line feels a bit awkward, can't say why, seems trite maybe)
blurred by blood and terror.(might switch "blood and terror", to "terror and blood" feels like less of a cliche)
Survival is all I ask. (This seems a bit lacking, not worthy of what is being described. Needs something more, comes across as flat)

A scorpion scuttles  (nice alteration)
across my shooting pad,
stinger poised,
hurrying to a hiding place.  (then hurrying if with comma, without then, no comma)

Movement.   (Not a sentence, a list, use colon)
Insurgents debouch the defile. (Very descriptive)
Hunters hunting me.   (I appreciate the attempt at cleverness, but hunters hunting is just too cutesy. "Hunters, hunting, the hunter" Nope, maybe  "Hunters coming for me." Needs something, end is disappointing)
________________________________________________________________________________  

This is a nice poem in terms of the loneliness and vastness it describes, especially as these equate to the speakers feelings at the moment. However it fails to take advantage of opportunities for greater depth, not in terms of complexity, but in terms of the levels this could speak to. It does briefly touch on one such theme as the hunter becomes the hunted, but this is not integrated with the actions of the scorpion, in fact the actions the scorpion exhibits lends no insight at all to the poem. Outside of the justification for the title, the part with the scorpion could be removed completely and it would do little to nothing in terms of the poems impact.  
As per the reference to the "300 win mag" and Ghille bush, one assumes that the speaker is a sniper, and now the enemy knows where he is there. His skill cannot protect him as they come at him en mass. So there are several readily available themes that could be explored: might makes right; that the sniper is morally superior, but physically weaker than his enemy: tables turned: will to power: the group vs the individual and so on there are other themes related to the fickleness of war.
The viewpoint and worldview are singularly that of the speaker. The enemy are nameless, faceless entities that are not quite humans, just hostile and dangerous target. This limits the depth of the poem. It does any art form when the viewpoint is so narrowly defined.
However this poem does have a universality that anybody can identify with regardless if they have been in war or not.
It reminds me of a Paul Simon (?) song I used to preform, although I cannot find it now. It was called "Advance Guard". Here are the four verses. Probably haven't thought about that song in over thirty years.



I use to look out from my window,
and see the flowers in the field,
standing there just like advanced guard,
waiting for the battle to begin.

My mother use to be much younger,
she'd sing me soft sweet lullabies,
I'd see my fortress in the mountains,
each time I'd look into her eyes.

My father's hair has turned to grey now.
I never stopped to ask him why,
that all the things that he once cherished
I see them slowly drifting by.

"And now I look out from my mountain,
and see the soldiers in the fields,
it want be long now 'til they have me
this time advance guard is for real."

So although I think this could be the entrance to a more multilevel poem, it still is a nice read, and for the most part with some editing could stand as is.

Dale

[Leah S.]

(The Deathstalker scorpion, Leiurus Quinquestriatus, is yellow in color with a smooth five striped tail.  The adults are about 2 1/2 inches long.  They are one of the most deadly scorpions.  Their range includes North Africa and most of the Middle East.)


Nothing moves
in my spotting scope;
field of fire clear
two thousand yards.

Blue Afghan skies
watch Khyber's ancient pass
and empty hills.

Acrid wind stirs my ghille bush, Ghillie suit?
calescent air shimmers, Very hot out, then.
three hundred win mag Magnum or magazine?
cool against my cheek. Why is the round cool if it's so hot out? If it's the magazine you are talking about, why is either one touching your cheek?

Home's a smoky memory,
blurred by blood and terror.
Survival is all I ask.

A scorpion scuttles I would just say "deathstalker scorpion" here, and leave off the detailed explanation, or at least put it at the end.
across my shooting pad,
stinger poised,
hurrying to a hiding place.

Movement.
Insurgents debouch the defile.
Hunters hunting me. But you are hunting them.

Are you looking through the rifle scope or the spotting scope? Sorry, I'm confused.
I assumed after some consideration that you are going for the irony of the deathstalker scorpion scuttling for cover in trepidation, while the real deathstalker lies in ambush above him. I didn't get that as fast as I should have though.
I know it's hard to be terse and still convey meaning and emotion, but it's worth the effort. I got tangled up trying to visualize the scene because your terminology was very confusing. I think if you described things in more detail, it would be better, and readers familiar with sniper tactics would get it right away, and those not familiar would be placed more immediately into the scene. I would bring more description of your senses into it, since a sniper is intensely aware.

[onepapa]

I would not introduce the poem with an explanation. It sets the focus of the poem and so the reader is thinking about this scorpion, waiting for it to appear throughout the entire poem. Suggestion. Include title in Body with asterisk, then explanation at end of poem. Example:

Deathstalker*

(POEM)

*Explanation

To my mind this is less disruptive to the poem, although as you are using it metaphorically/symbolically as well as literally I think such an explanation limits the use of the term within the poem. If one queries "Deathstalker" in Wiki, the first thing that comes up is the Deathstalker Scorpion. So that seems like a pretty easily accessible item and probably does not needed to be included at all. Maybe just

"A Deathstalker scorpion scuttles
across my shooting pad,"

would do.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
Note: Although I haven't read Tom's critique, I generally agree with him, so there may be some repetition.

Nothing moves
in my spotting scope;
field of fire clear         (for?)
two thousand yards.

Blue Afghan skies  (maybe try moving "watch" to this line so that the next two lines balance each other.)
watch Khyber's ancient pass (maybe "ancient Khyber pass

and empty hills.                     and empty [descriptor] hills" So this balances. could be something like"the empty and sallow hills" better yet a place name, like "the empty Khajjiar hills".)

Acrid wind stirs my ghille bush, (Is this the same as a Ghille suite? Maybe less authentic, but suite is more recognizable)
calescent air shimmers,
three hundred win mag
cool against my cheek. (nice image)


Home's a smoky memory,  (this line feels a bit awkward, can't say why, seems trite maybe)
blurred by blood and terror.(might switch "blood and terror", to "terror and blood" feels like less of a cliche)
Survival is all I ask. (This seems a bit lacking, not worthy of what is being described. Needs something more, comes across as flat)

A scorpion scuttles  (nice alteration)
across my shooting pad,
stinger poised,
hurrying to a hiding place.  (then hurrying if with comma, without then, no comma)

Movement.   (Not a sentence, a list, use colon)
Insurgents debouch the defile. (Very descriptive)
Hunters hunting me.   (I appreciate the attempt at cleverness, but hunters hunting is just too cutesy. "Hunters, hunting, the hunter" Nope, maybe  "Hunters coming for me." Needs something, end is disappointing)
________________________________________________________________________________  

This is a nice poem in terms of the loneliness and vastness it describes, especially as these equate to the speakers feelings at the moment. However it fails to take advantage of opportunities for greater depth, not in terms of complexity, but in terms of the levels this could speak to. It does briefly touch on one such theme as the hunter becomes the hunted, but this is not integrated with the actions of the scorpion, in fact the actions the scorpion exhibits lends no insight at all to the poem. Outside of the justification for the title, the part with the scorpion could be removed completely and it would do little to nothing in terms of the poems impact.  
As per the reference to the "300 win mag" and Ghille bush, one assumes that the speaker is a sniper, and now the enemy knows where he is there. His skill cannot protect him as they come at him en mass. So there are several readily available themes that could be explored: might makes right; that the sniper is morally superior, but physically weaker than his enemy: tables turned: will to power: the group vs the individual and so on there are other themes related to the fickleness of war.
The viewpoint and worldview are singularly that of the speaker. The enemy are nameless, faceless entities that are not quite humans, just hostile and dangerous target. This limits the depth of the poem. It does any art form when the viewpoint is so narrowly defined.
However this poem does have a universality that anybody can identify with regardless if they have been in war or not.
It reminds me of a Paul Simon (?) song I used to preform, although I cannot find it now. It was called "Advance Guard". Here are the four verses. Probably haven't thought about that song in over thirty years.



I use to look out from my window,
and see the flowers in the field,
standing there just like advanced guard,
waiting for the battle to begin.

My mother use to be much younger,
she'd sing me soft sweet lullabies,
I'd see my fortress in the mountains,
each time I'd look into her eyes.

My father's hair has turned to grey now.
I never stopped to ask him why,
that all the things that he once cherished
I see them slowly drifting by.

"And now I look out from my mountain,
and see the soldiers in the fields,
it want be long now 'til they have me
this time advance guard is for real."

So although I think this could be the entrance to a more multilevel poem, it still is a nice read, and for the most part with some editing could stand as is.

Dale

Dale,

I appreciate the careful critique and helpful comments/suggestions.

I will use your suggestion for the explanation if and when I ever need it again....I agree with you that I can lose it from the title and have also considered: "Deathstalker (lieurus quinquestriatus) with no further description. In general, I believe that the poetry needs to stand alone without explanation and this was my first attempt at including it....I think I learned my lesson.

I will use your comments when I edit and agree with most of them. The ghilllie bush is the brushy stuff on the top of the hat of the ghillie suit and I got too cute on that one.

I am going to see if I can expand this.... thanks for suggesting that as it will be fun to see if that will work or if it dilutes the impact of the conflict.

I loved the reference to Paul Simon. I still play his music when I work.

onepapa

[bena]

There's a big debate raging on the site right now about footnotes or not.  You can find several threads where people are debating furiously about it.  I personally am not sure about preamble explanations...it always tends to distract from the poem itself.  I think it's possible to just name the poem Deathstalker (aka Leiurus Quinquestriatus) and leave it to people to explore...not sure, that's what the debate's all about.


Up to you, really...I think this is a wonderful in its simplicity and certainly makes one feel isolated, hunted down, if you will.

But since this in serious, we will divulge into the depths of it all, hold on.



Nothing moves

in my spotting scope; --that way the semicolon would be correct, even though I'm not big on use of semi colons when a period would do. Personal opinion is all>
field of fire clear
two thousand yards.

Blue Afghan skies
watch Khyber's ancient pass
and empty hills.

Acrid wind stirs my ghille bush, 
calescent air shimmers,
three hundred win mag
cool against my cheek.

Home's a smoky memory,
blurred by blood and terror.
Survival is all I ask.

A scorpion scuttles
across my shooting pad,
stinger poised,
hurrying to a hiding place.

Movement.
Insurgents debouch the defile.
>>I would leave a space here if I was me. <<

Hunters hunting me.


Good luck with the revision, i'm wondering where this one will go...

mel.

[onepapa]

There's a big debate raging on the site right now about footnotes or not.  You can find several threads where people are debating furiously about it.  I personally am not sure about preamble explanations...it always tends to distract from the poem itself.  I think it's possible to just name the poem Deathstalker (aka Leiurus Quinquestriatus) and leave it to people to explore...not sure, that's what the debate's all about.


Up to you, really...I think this is a wonderful in its simplicity and certainly makes one feel isolated, hunted down, if you will.

But since this in serious, we will divulge into the depths of it all, hold on.



Nothing moves

in my spotting scope; --that way the semicolon would be correct, even though I'm not big on use of semi colons when a period would do. Personal opinion is all>
field of fire clear
two thousand yards.

Blue Afghan skies
watch Khyber's ancient pass
and empty hills.

Acrid wind stirs my ghille bush, 
calescent air shimmers,
three hundred win mag
cool against my cheek.

Home's a smoky memory,
blurred by blood and terror.
Survival is all I ask.

A scorpion scuttles
across my shooting pad,
stinger poised,
hurrying to a hiding place.

Movement.
Insurgents debouch the defile.
>>I would leave a space here if I was me. <<

Hunters hunting me.


Good luck with the revision, i'm wondering where this one will go...

mel.

mel,

Thanks for the thoughtful comments. ghille was my stupid typo (no excuses accepted) for ghillie which is the camouflage gear worn by the sniper. I will use your input in the edit and appreciate the time you put into commenting.

onepapa

[onepapa]

Revised:

Deathstalker (leiurus quinquestriatus)

Blue Afghan skies watch
ancient Khyber Pass
and Spin Gar's empty hills.

Nothing moves in the rifle scope.
Acrid wind stirs my ghillie,
calescent air shimmering.

I wait in absolute stillness,
desert mountain silence
enveloping me.

Home's a smoky memory,
blurred by blood,
manifold missions and fear.

A scorpion scuttles
across my shooting mat,
nescient of alien presence.

Deathstalker stinger raised,
it crouches in the shadows,
waiting for prey.

Movement:
Insurgents debouch the defile.
Hunters hunting me.

I breathe deep to slow my heart,
three hundred win mag
cool against my cheek.

I hold the leader's profile
in the reticle.
A man like me.

The scorpion stirs.
I pray for survival
and forgiveness.







___________________________________________________________________________

Original version of Deathstalker:


(The Deathstalker scorpion, Leiurus Quinquestriatus, is yellow in color with a smooth five striped tail.  The adults are about 2 1/2 inches long.  They are one of the most deadly scorpions.  Their range includes North Africa and most of the Middle East.)


Nothing moves
in my spotting scope;
field of fire clear
two thousand yards.

Blue Afghan skies
watch Khyber's ancient pass
and empty hills.

Acrid wind stirs my ghille bush,
calescent air shimmers,
three hundred win mag
cool against my cheek.

Home's a smoky memory,
blurred by blood and terror.
Survival is all I ask.

A scorpion scuttles
across my shooting pad,
stinger poised,
hurrying to a hiding place.

Movement.
Insurgents debouch the defile.
Hunters hunting me.

[RiverNotch]

Revised:

Deathstalker (leiurus quinquestriatus) Proper nomenclature, please. Leiurus quinquestriatus xD

Blue Afghan skies watch
ancient Khyber Pass
and Spin Gar's empty hills. Spin Ghar, not Spin Gar. Spin Gar makes me think of a spinning gar pike. I like this stanza in general, though -- sets the scene well, and I can interpret a little something here about a sort of supremacy of the speaker over his marks. 

Nothing moves in the rifle scope.
Acrid wind stirs my ghillie, I always thought ghillie needed suit to be the military thing -- granted, the first thing I thought of here was definitely not the Scots shoe. I find bitter ever the better word to describe a bitter wind, but that's a personal thing.
calescent air shimmering. 

I wait in absolute stillness, While the wind stirs your ghillie....this doesn't work for me.
desert mountain silence
enveloping me. This could maybe work? Just this, without the absolute stillness.

Home's a smoky memory,
blurred by blood, A bit too visceral for my taste -- this screams "War!" a bit too loudly. Maybe tie this sentiment more to the scorpion's nature? It is the subject of the title, after all.
manifold missions and fear.

A scorpion scuttles
across my shooting mat,
nescient of alien presence. "Nescient" ruins it for me. Actually, "acrid" and "calescent" sort of ruined it for me too, but I considered the "acrid" thing just a matter of taste, and "calescent air shimmering" sounds too good to be removed. But at this point, (for me, at least) this feels like a work from the eighteenth century, or a guy whose favorite book is the dictionary -- and I think nescient could be here replaced by something else, like ignorant or something. And without the appropriate article, the line just sounds awkward to me.

Deathstalker stinger raised, "Deathstalker" feels a bit in your face here. Just "stinger raised" would work.
it crouches in the shadows, Crouching in the shadows feels too limited a use of the scorpion image here -- sounds like something I've heard a hundred times before. But that may just be me. Anyway, as a variant, I suggest instead having it wait in the open, describing how its skin sort of blends into the environment -- I think it establishes a somehow clearer kinship between speaker and beast, as the speaker hides not in a cave, but under a ghillie bush/suit/tarp/whatever.
waiting for prey. 

Movement:
Insurgents debouch the defile. Debouch is a transitive verb? And I think a comma would work better here.
Hunters hunting me. 

I breathe deep to slow my heart,
three hundred win mag
cool against my cheek. I love this stanza. I can feel the mag, feel the breaths, feel the tension.

I hold the leader's profile
in the reticle. Damn, I always spell that as reticule. (Not a crit)
A man like me. Feels like this could be fleshed out more -- how is the leader like you, besides being a hunter? I mean, all the characters in the poem are hunters, sure, but the insurgents as described don't seem to have the same, shadowy characters as the speaker or the scorpion. A more physical description here, I think, would work....

The scorpion stirs.
I pray for survival
and forgiveness. I think the prayer here doesn't need to be as described -- it sounds somewhat dull. Best, I think, to just leave this to the imagination (I'm guessing most everyone knows that at this point, the speaker's gonna make his shot) -- "The scorpion stirs. / I pray."

[onepapa]

Revised:

Deathstalker (leiurus quinquestriatus) Proper nomenclature, please. Leiurus quinquestriatus xD

Blue Afghan skies watch
ancient Khyber Pass
and Spin Gar's empty hills. Spin Ghar, not Spin Gar. Spin Gar makes me think of a spinning gar pike. I like this stanza in general, though -- sets the scene well, and I can interpret a little something here about a sort of supremacy of the speaker over his marks. 

Nothing moves in the rifle scope.
Acrid wind stirs my ghillie, I always thought ghillie needed suit to be the military thing -- granted, the first thing I thought of here was definitely not the Scots shoe. I find bitter ever the better word to describe a bitter wind, but that's a personal thing.
calescent air shimmering. 

I wait in absolute stillness, While the wind stirs your ghillie....this doesn't work for me.
desert mountain silence
enveloping me. This could maybe work? Just this, without the absolute stillness.

Home's a smoky memory,
blurred by blood, A bit too visceral for my taste -- this screams "War!" a bit too loudly. Maybe tie this sentiment more to the scorpion's nature? It is the subject of the title, after all.
manifold missions and fear.

A scorpion scuttles
across my shooting mat,
nescient of alien presence. "Nescient" ruins it for me. Actually, "acrid" and "calescent" sort of ruined it for me too, but I considered the "acrid" thing just a matter of taste, and "calescent air shimmering" sounds too good to be removed. But at this point, (for me, at least) this feels like a work from the eighteenth century, or a guy whose favorite book is the dictionary -- and I think nescient could be here replaced by something else, like ignorant or something. And without the appropriate article, the line just sounds awkward to me.

Deathstalker stinger raised, "Deathstalker" feels a bit in your face here. Just "stinger raised" would work.
it crouches in the shadows, Crouching in the shadows feels too limited a use of the scorpion image here -- sounds like something I've heard a hundred times before. But that may just be me. Anyway, as a variant, I suggest instead having it wait in the open, describing how its skin sort of blends into the environment -- I think it establishes a somehow clearer kinship between speaker and beast, as the speaker hides not in a cave, but under a ghillie bush/suit/tarp/whatever.
waiting for prey. 

Movement:
Insurgents debouch the defile. Debouch is a transitive verb? And I think a comma would work better here.
Hunters hunting me. 

I breathe deep to slow my heart,
three hundred win mag
cool against my cheek. I love this stanza. I can feel the mag, feel the breaths, feel the tension.

I hold the leader's profile
in the reticle. Damn, I always spell that as reticule. (Not a crit)
A man like me. Feels like this could be fleshed out more -- how is the leader like you, besides being a hunter? I mean, all the characters in the poem are hunters, sure, but the insurgents as described don't seem to have the same, shadowy characters as the speaker or the scorpion. A more physical description here, I think, would work....

The scorpion stirs.
I pray for survival
and forgiveness. I think the prayer here doesn't need to be as described -- it sounds somewhat dull. Best, I think, to just leave this to the imagination (I'm guessing most everyone knows that at this point, the speaker's gonna make his shot) -- "The scorpion stirs. / I pray."

RiverNotch,

Thank you for the thoughtful and in-depth critique. I will make good use of your comments in the edit.

onepapa