A hobo's remainder

[10BIT]

This one was actually a song I wrote but i thought it sounded quite nice!
I hope you enjoy the read

Walking down at night
dark ev'ning skies
Cold air hits my face
enter its harsh embrace

some man shot dead
right in the head
blood dripping down
hits cold hard stone

his hands worn dark
his clothes but trash
his face... now full of lead
useless now the old bums stash

His Uke laid down
taken right...  from his hand
he lays face down
stopped the song of a peaceful land

some man shot dead
right in the head
blood dripping down
hits cold hard stone

Cries weeping out
a sad song to be heard
a voice sings loud
his son sings slurred

[milo]

This one was actually a song I wrote but i thought it sounded quite nice!
I hope you enjoy the read

Walking down at night
dark ev'ning skies

Is your narrator a helicopter?

Cold air hits my face
enter its harsh embrace

enter /what's/ hard embrace?  The air?  Hard air seems very unlikely.

some man shot dead
right in the head
blood dripping down
hits cold hard stone

didn't you just use hard and cold?  

his hands worn dark
his clothes but trash

what is 'but trash'?

his face... now full of lead
useless now the old bums stash

why this line written backwards is?

His Uke laid down
taken right...  from his hand
he lays face down
stopped the song of a peaceful land

some man shot dead
right in the head
blood dripping down
hits cold hard stone

Cries weeping out
a sad song to be heard
a voice sings loud
his son sings slurred

This reads like a series of disconnected images with rather common, perhaps cliche descriptions overly driven by rhyme.  A man got shot.  Now what?  Seems it needs more to be worth reading.  The belligerent abandonment of all syntax isn't helping.

[tectak]

This one was actually a song I wrote but i thought it sounded quite nice!
I hope you enjoy the read

Walking down at night
dark ev'ning skies
Cold air hits my face
enter its harsh embrace

some man shot dead
right in the head
blood dripping down
hits cold hard stone

his hands worn dark
his clothes but trash
his face... now full of lead
useless now the old bums stash

His Uke laid down
taken right...  from his hand
he lays face down
stopped the song of a peaceful land

some man shot dead
right in the head
blood dripping down
hits cold hard stone

Cries weeping out
a sad song to be heard
a voice sings loud
his son sings slurred

Hello,
This is posted in Novice and rightly so. Let me be quite honest with you. No. I did not "enjoy" anything about it. There is absolutely nothing to commend it. Now, to begin at the beginning, this is a poetry site.What you post here, not too much to expect,should be in at least some sense "poetic". Let's start there. What is poetic in your writing? Do you think it is your rhyming skill. night, skies? down, stone?dark, lead?down, down? OK. It does not need to rhyme...so don't...or do. This random rhyming smacks of laziness or inability. So if you can, do...if you can't, don't.
What about meter? Have you heard the term...I ask kindly? You make no attempt. Metaphor? What is it that makes the "story" interestingly complex enough to require metaphorical imagery? This is just a repetitive statementalising of a mundane occurence. A man got shot in the head and bled then his son sang.
Enough. Take your thematic concept and find a core metaphor. Build on it. Bring imagery into the piece. Show me emotion in words that will make me see what you are seeing...don't tell the reader, show the reader.
Read more poetry. Read your OWN poetry out loud.
Do not give up.
Best,
tectak
Edit this using punctuation to clarify meaning. As it is, is sounds like a collation of very few words arranged by a demented but considered exceptional dolphin. All the words make sense but so what.

[groberts01]

On my first read I felt like it needed some punctuation to help me out with rhythm. However, the absence of commas or full-stops gives the poem a certain look on the page which I quite like.

Is the last line supposed to read: 'his song sings slurred', rather than 'son sings slurred'? If the intention was the first, I think the personification of the song would make this line the best, if it could be changed to be grammatically correct e.g. His song sings in slurs or A song of slurs.

I likely would not have understood the story arc without the poem's title. It wasn't clear in stanza three who had been shot because the final line of that stanza did not make sense to me. I'd switch the syntax around.

The use of the word 'hobo' in the title seems at odds with the intent of the poem - if the idea is to make us feel sad that this man has been shot why use dehumanising slang in the title?

In general I'd say the use of mixed rhyming forms isn't helping the poem. It interrupted the read for me to have perfect rhymes e.g. dead and head, as well as assonance or non-rhymes. The changing rhyming structure (AABB then ABAB) had the same effect.

[summermoose]

In song. sometimes, a plain message can be iterated, described, and used to some success (eg. most love songs) because the mood of the music carries the listener through the feeling. However in a poem the reader expects to be taken through the feelings with each word you choose for your story and message. And if originally written as a song, I think it may be hard for you right now to disconnect the way you feel when you perform it in music and the way a neutral reader feels when he or she reads it. To you the lines may pack much more emotion than they can convey through a silent screen to us as readers.

[billy]

while it supposed to be a song and songs as we know are mainly full of cliche you'd think cliche would be fine.

afraid not, [in the miscellaneous forum or the for fun forum yes.] in the poetry forums we comment as though it were poetry. so cliches here are killers. they dilute any originality. even to the point of strangulation when so many are used. the rhyme scheme needs to spot on in this small verses, when they're not it so noticeable. [but trash] sounds like something rude...]
in general i'm just confirming what others have said. but don't give up. we have to start somewhere. go for original phrases, watch out for repetition, and don't use yoda speak.

This one was actually a song I wrote but i thought it sounded quite nice!
I hope you enjoy the read

Walking down at night
dark ev'ning skies
Cold air hits my face
enter its harsh embrace

some man shot dead
right in the head
blood dripping down
hits cold hard stone

his hands worn dark
his clothes but trash
his face... now full of lead
useless now the old bums stash

His Uke laid down
taken right...  from his hand
he lays face down
stopped the song of a peaceful land

some man shot dead
right in the head
blood dripping down
hits cold hard stone

Cries weeping out
a sad song to be heard
a voice sings loud
his son sings slurred