file under L for Lost

[just mercedes]

malfunctioning lights
whine and flicker
off once-white tiles

a drop of blood
falls from your nostril
in slow motion, exploding
 
small puffs of powder
from the off-white line
on the cistern
 
heavy gravity
in the v of dive;
it’s happy hour

[Leah S.]

Lovely

malfunctioning lights
whine and flicker
off once-white tiles

a drop of blood
falls from your nostril
in slow motion, exploding
 
small puffs of powder
from the off-white line
on the cistern To me, a cistern is a water-tank, usually large and outdoors. Since you had already put me in a sleazy public bathroom, I had to assume it was a sink, but it really halted the flow.
 
heavy gravity
in the v of dive;
it’s happy hour

Can't think of anything else. Really like the last three lines. Carry on. Leah

[just mercedes]

Lovely

malfunctioning lights
whine and flicker
off once-white tiles

a drop of blood
falls from your nostril
in slow motion, exploding
 
small puffs of powder
from the off-white line
on the cistern To me, a cistern is a water-tank, usually large and outdoors. Since you had already put me in a sleazy public bathroom, I had to assume it was a sink, but it really halted the flow.
 
heavy gravity
in the v of dive;
it’s happy hour

Can't think of anything else. Really like the last three lines. Carry on. Leah

Thanks for reading and commenting - a cistern is a water tank, used here more particularly for the tank above the toilet pedestal that holds the flushing water.  http://www.wickes.co.uk/Products/Bathroo.../c/1001017

[Magpie]

malfunctioning lights
whine and flicker
off once-white tiles

a drop of blood
falls from your nostril
in slow motion, exploding
 
small puffs of powder
from the off-white line
on the cistern
 
heavy gravity
in the v of dive;
it’s happy hour

Very well written, I especially like the enjambment in the first stanza and the double meaning of 'off'.
My only question would be in the last stanza and whether gravity can be described as heavy. Technically speaking the answer would be no, but I found this in the urban dictionary "Heavy Gravity Pocket" so you may be using it in a sense that I am unfamiliar with.

I really enjoyed this, thanks for the read,

Mark

[just mercedes]

Thanks for reading and commenting - I don't really know what heavy gravity is, but I have experienced the phenomenon.

[fromcancertocapricorn]

malfunctioning lights
whine and flicker
off once-white tiles This is a clever use of the word "off"

a drop of blood
falls from your nostril
in slow motion, explodingIn terms of new, unique, and special ideas, this image is a little lacking
 
small puffs of powder
from the off-white line
on the cistern
 
heavy gravity
in the v of dive; I particularly like this comparison.
it’s happy hour Part of me thinks this line could use slightly more clarity and directness. However, I worry that doing so could inhibit the poem.

Overall, I enjoyed this most because of the style in which it was written; also, while most poems suffer from verbosity in their pursuit of meaning, this poem does not. Please continue.

[just mercedes]

malfunctioning lights
whine and flicker
off once-white tiles This is a clever use of the word "off"

a drop of blood
falls from your nostril
in slow motion, explodingIn terms of new, unique, and special ideas, this image is a little lacking
 
small puffs of powder
from the off-white line
on the cistern
 
heavy gravity
in the v of dive; I particularly like this comparison.
it’s happy hour Part of me thinks this line could use slightly more clarity and directness. However, I worry that doing so could inhibit the poem.

Overall, I enjoyed this most because of the style in which it was written; also, while most poems suffer from verbosity in their pursuit of meaning, this poem does not. Please continue.

Thank you for reading, and sharing your thoughts. I'll keep them in mind when I revise this.

[tectak]

malfunctioning lights
whine and flicker Strictly speaking, you need to space out your parameters here. The idea of "whining off a tile" irks...though I hate to suggest it in the puritan's camp, a comma may be needed just incorrectly before the "and". I can get the reflected sound so I am not entirely convinced by my own words. Your poem.
off once-white tiles

a drop of blood
falls from your nostril Again, pedantic pedant raised, this should be
"From your nostril,
a drop of blood
falls in slow motion, exploding
in small puffs of powder
from the off-white (really?  contrast would be good here) line
along the cistern " . Enough. I have difficulty with linguine lines, shortened breathlessly when I can see no merit in the technique. Others can.AIO
in slow motion, exploding
 
small puffs of powder
from the off-white line The off-white repeat, you will say, is emphatical. The snow, though, should not be so. It should be pure white. Are you implying that it is bad-cut? This may be lost on many and seen as irrelevant by most. The contrast would be nice
on the cistern
 
heavy gravity Charlie is uplifting...what is this diving all about? I ask because I do not know.
in the v of dive;
it’s happy hour

Cute, merc. My nits are sparse and personal. You stick it in serious so you want VFM. Hope I did enough...it is terse-verse, after all...especially if you write it in sombrely long lines rather than this cheery format.
Very best,
tectak

[just mercedes]

Thank you - more to think about!

[crow]

Proofread [note: I'm using the British ' usage]:

file under [']L['] for [']Lost[']
--should the L's be lowercased

malfunctioning lights
whine and flicker
off once-white tiles
--should "off" be "on"?

a drop of blood
falls from your nostril
in slow motion, exploding
--I think "explodes" might be technically correct, in which case omit the comma

small puffs of powder
from the off-white line
on the cistern
--this stanza is hard to construe . . .

heavy gravity
in the [']v['] of dive;
it’s happy hour
--The apostrophes would only be needed if you follow my notes on the title

--you have a "garden path" in the 2d and 3d stanzas. The choice to omit certain marks creates the need to resolve an ambiguity by reading twice. The issue is compounded by the strangeness of the image. Keep omitting the marks if the effect is desired, and otw add marks or otherwise revise

Copyedit

malfunctioning lights [consider "fixtures"]
whine and flicker
off once-white tiles
--if you went with "off off-white," you'd get a flickering kind of effect
----ditto if it were "on off-white"

a drop of blood
falls from your nostril
in slow motion, exploding
--this stanza could be tightened. for instance, with the word "drip" or "drips"

small puffs of powder
from the off-white line
on the cistern
--this is the stanza I have trouble with.
--why not "powder puffs / from"
--why repeat "off-white"? I find it to be a miscue . . .
--"small" is redundant with "puffs"
----"explodes" is inapt for "small"
------pairing the two words--explodes with puffs--gives you a tight shot, in the cinematic sense, but is tricky to read well
----if exploding references what the drop does to the powder, it's an amplification of the moment, suggesting strong emotion
------also, in that case, the word "puffs" would be inapt. You'd want something like "flings"

heavy gravity
in the v of dive;
it’s happy hour
--I have trouble with "happy hour" tonally. It's like a punchline to a predicate that's not a set-up to a joke
--good double meaning to "dive"
----could you exploit that more fully?

Macro
I think another stanza or two would could be really effective

---

Macro cont'd

This poem is about lighting and the shape of interactions. Dive is the shape of gravity, an explosion is the slow-mo shape of blood hitting the cause of bleeding, etc. So it makes sense to end with a ref to time, "happy hour," but leaving that ref to time unpaired with any kind of shape leaves me flat. So, if it were "it's happy hour, and you've left in blood and coke, a splattered smile," I'd feel satiated.

Hope that makes sense

crow

[crow]

D'oh! Scrap the note on "why repeat"

[just mercedes]

Thanks crow! Lots to think about there.

[lacan123]

malfunctioning lights
whine and flicker
off once-white tiles

a drop of blood
falls from your nostril
in slow motion, exploding

small puffs of powder
from the off-white line
on the cistern

heavy gravity
in the v of dive;
it’s happy hour

It's pretty good I think - especially the last stanza; the whole thing has a feeling of non feeling - and the ironic last line gives it a nice 'split' feel. The only problem I can see is "heavy gravity" - it sounds awkward (because of the partial rhyme) and also the idea/content of the line is a mismatch - ie., the concept of weight and the concept of gravity - they're two mutually exclusive concepts. They're too close to contrast or do some sort of rhetorical job for you, but sufficiently different to make it 'awkward'.

If it were me I'd just change the word 'heavy' - because the next two lines are strong.

[Leah S.]

After reading other crits, some suggestions:
(they're all rearranged line breaks and punctuation.)

malfunctioning lights
whine
and flicker
off once-white tiles

a drop of blood
falls
from your nostril
in slow motion

exploding

small puffs of powder
from
the off-white line
on the cistern

heavy gravity
in the v of dive:

it’s happy hour

I still love the last stanza, it packs so much into three lines.

Carry on. Leah

malfunctioning lights
whine and flicker
off once-white tiles

a drop of blood
falls from your nostril
in slow motion, exploding
 
small puffs of powder
from the off-white line
on the cistern
 
heavy gravity
in the v of dive;
it’s happy hour