An Old Book

[BW BRINE]

I am not the greatest man,
so she says: "you are here".
She will settle like the dust
on an old book,
re-read too many times to open up again.

-BW BRINE

[71degrees]

I am not the greatest man,
so she says: "you are here".
She will settle like the dust
on an old book,
re-read too many times to open up again.

-BW BRINE

The short ones require a leap...something for me to care. What book? (that might help me...maybe in the title if you don't want to add anything to the poem?) I'm not sure the whole book could be dust. How "could" it open up again? Dust "on" the book, okay. What's the difference between "read" or "re-read" and why the hyphen? Too many questions for me...need some direction to help me as a reader.

71degrees

[BW BRINE]

The short ones require a leap...something for me to care. What book? (that might help me...maybe in the title if you don't want to add anything to the poem?)  I'm not sure the whole book could be dust. How "could" it open up again?  Dust "on" the book, okay. What's the difference between "read" or "re-read" and why the hyphen?  Too many questions for me...need some direction to help me as a reader.

71degrees

I'm sorry but... how could you think I meant a book made of dust?  Dust on an old book... The book is dusty... It's a metaphor.  She's settling, like dust settles on an old book.

From there, your other questions should be answered.  

Now, the point is to guide the reader into seeing the author - me - as the book.  She's settling on me.  I am the book.  She settles on me, like the dust on the book.  Make sense?

I know poetry is supposed to be clear, but... I didn't think this one was really that abstract.  I know this is in moderate critique, but c'mon... it's like you didn't even read it.

-BW

The critic's read is his own, all we ask here is that the critique be honest and specific. What may be clear to you may be obscure to a reader, you can see their point or not, but please be gracious enough to appreciate the time they took to comment. /mod

[71degrees]

The short ones require a leap...something for me to care. What book? (that might help me...maybe in the title if you don't want to add anything to the poem?)  I'm not sure the whole book could be dust. How "could" it open up again?  Dust "on" the book, okay. What's the difference between "read" or "re-read" and why the hyphen?  Too many questions for me...need some direction to help me as a reader.

71degrees

I'm sorry but... how could you think I meant a book made of dust?  Dust on an old book... The book is dusty... It's a metaphor.  She's settling, like dust settles on an old book.

From there, your other questions should be answered.  

Now, the point is to guide the reader into seeing the author - me - as the book.  She's settling on me.  I am the book.  She settles on me, like the dust on the book.  Make sense?

I know poetry is supposed to be clear, but... I didn't think this one was really that abstract.  I know this is in moderate critique, but c'mon... it's like you didn't even read it.

-BW

My mistake. And I apologize. But don't worry, I won't be commenting on yours again.

[Ryan_Toscano204]

I love the idea of comparing a person to an old book. You don't say that the person in the poem doesn't like it. Just that he's kind of bored of it. He's seen the same thing too many times in it. That being said I don't see why you shouldn't push it even further. Short poems are great, I just feel there's more here. You have the idea of the dust settling on the book. It gave me vibes of people settling in a marriage or a relationship. You can go someplace a little dark and discuss an aspect of cheating. If a relationship is what you're trying to push that is. And talk about the idea of experiencing new books while you still have your old favorite sitting there collecting dust. Even if you don't use that metaphor or something similar; I think it would be a good idea to make your poem a bit more clear with what you're talking about. I feel like I gathered enough from the poem to realize that it was about a worn out relationship. But if you were going for something else than restructure the poem, and add some length to it to make your subject more clear.

Please try to give the person something more than what you interpret the poem to mean and generalities.

mod

[summermoose]

I am not the greatest man,
so she says: "you are here".
She will settle like the dust
on an old book,
re-read too many times to open up again.

-BW BRINE

The imagery of dust settling is great and I like where this is going. Some feedback:

In the poem I am seeing three characters - the book (you), the dust (she), and the last line implies to me that there is someone reading the book (you). I can't quite piece these together into a crisp metaphor. Given it is a short work I think tightening the use of the metaphor would be very helpful to the reader. Is she doing the reading or is she going to be the dust? Or is being read many times a metaphor for getting old? Clearing this up through your last three lines would do a service to your poem in my eyes.

[SaddestStates]

I like the shorter poems that can be up for interpretation easier. Allowing the audience to open their minds and meld it in their world. But I feel like with this short poem, you had a direction and a purpose from the start, that didn't have the time to put in the context for us to read how it was meant to be read. I felt like there was not a way to get my foot in door, to truly experience the poem for what it really is. And from the conclusion I've read in your other comments, A woman is settling on you, since you are not the best of men. That isn't very clear (if I'm even right) since I feel most of the focus in this poem is focused on the book. Like the book is the biggest character in this poem.


*Edited Grammatical mistakes.

[billy]

i see the metaphor but i think it needs more clarity elsewhere

I am not the greatest man,
so she says: "you are here". where is [here]?
She will settle like the dust from here everything works well for me though settling like dust is somewhat cliche
on an old book,
re-read too many times to open up again.

-BW BRINE

[kwokfreya]

I think it is quite interesting for the metaphors you have used. I think maybe it is better to use “dust” to describe yourself as you wrote that “I am not the greatest man”, and the girl is the “reader” who keep reading the books, and you are willing to settle like a dust on the book to accompany the girl.

[BW BRINE]

Hi everyone, thanks for giving so much feedback! My responses are below:

The imagery of dust settling is great and I like where this is going. Some feedback:

In the poem I am seeing three characters - the book (you), the dust (she), and the last line implies to me that there is someone reading the book (you). I can't quite piece these together into a crisp metaphor. Given it is a short work I think tightening the use of the metaphor would be very helpful to the reader. Is she doing the reading or is she going to be the dust? Or is being read many times a metaphor for getting old? Clearing this up through your last three lines would do a service to your poem in my eyes.

You say it should be cleared up through the last three lines.

You've correctly seen the relationship between the main characters, me and she. The last line is supposed to be that other people have already read the book (people that are neither me nor she), as in other people that I have been in relationships with.

Given that new information, how would you recommend adding detail to help the reader understand that bit?

I like the shorter poems that can be up for interpretation easier. Allowing the audience to open their minds and meld it in their world. But I feel like with this short poem, you had a direction and a purpose from the start, that didn't have the time to put in the context for us to read how it was meant to be read. I felt like there was not a way to get my foot in door, to truly experience the poem for what it really is. And from the conclusion I've read in your other comments, A woman is settling on you, since you are not the best of men. That isn't very clear (if I'm even right) since I feel most of the focus in this poem is focused on the book. Like the book is the biggest character in this poem.

*Edited Grammatical mistakes.

Although you appear to be unsure, you've got it exactly right. That was the intent.

The book is a metaphor for me. So since the focus is the book, it's also on me. How would I go about clearing that up further?

i see the metaphor but i think it needs more clarity elsewhere

I am not the greatest man,
so she says: "you are here". where is [here]?
She will settle like the dust from here everything works well for me though settling like dust is somewhat cliche
on an old book,
re-read too many times to open up again.

-BW BRINE

Hi billy,

"you are here":
That, I agree, is one major flaw in this poem. I couldn't find a good way to say it. It's supposed to be that she is saying she loves me just because I am there (here). So kind of like, I don't love you, but you're here so that's fine. In the same way she is settling; I'm not her knight in shining armor, but I'm there, and that's good enough for her at this point.

I think it is quite interesting for the metaphors you have used. I think maybe it is better to use “dust” to describe yourself as you wrote that “I am not the greatest man”, and the girl is the “reader” who keep reading the books, and you are willing to settle like a dust on the book to accompany the girl.

Hi kwokfreya,

The intent of the poem was to imply that she is settling on me, not that I am settling on her. Hence, I am not the greatest man - she settles (on me) like the dust on a book (which the analogy implies is me).


Also, everyone, there's another part of the poem that I have been forgetting to talk about. But it is the very last line: "re-read too many times to open up again". What I am trying to say here is that I've opened up and "been read" to and by so many people that I'm tentative to open up again. Perhaps why I am not the greatest man? How can I better implement this idea into the framework of the story? I'm not opposed to adding a few more lines to clear some stuff up.

[cjchaffin]

I am not the greatest man,
so she says: "you are here". <-- i keep tripping up on this; i think you could phrase it better and lose the quotation marks
She will settle like the dust <-- maybe a comma after "settle" would help the metaphor sink in; lose "the" before dust
on an old book,
re-read too many times to open up again.

-BW BRINE

i wouldn't dare rewrite your poem, but a suggestion to clarify a few hiccups would look something like this:

I am not the greatest man,
yet she knows I will always be here;

she will settle, like dust on an old book
re-read too many times to open up again.


just a suggestion to use or lose. i think the metaphor is a solid one, it just gets tangled up in the phrasing and needs to be set free