Goldilocks’ enigma
#1
Long time no write - any crit welcome.
Goldilocks’ enigma
Whilst the faultless furry family were strolling in the garden,
discussing their bear faith issues and naming everything;
Goldilocks reduced the perfidious Pie of perfection,
using multiples of division.  She looped all the portions together
to adorn the extra six, special dimensions she kept in her bag.
No one cared; there was nothing much to see.

The chair was too small to stand upon, there was too much
evidence – it broke into conveniently sized atoms;
more fuel for the fire.  Nobody observed the newly improved
heads of state, formed under millennia of mutualism and blind symbiosis.
Midway through the DNA dance; she changed the tune
and crushed them under the heel of her serpent skin boots.
Pitiless, indifferent to the selfish memes of indoctrination.

Next came the pottage – the red lentil porridge;
her soup loop reduction was inconveniently
too sweet, too salty.  It had meaning and value.
She tried again.
Consulting, beyond the conventional zone,
a new theory of cooking by numbers was in.
A unique, sub structure of calculable mechanics,
with infinite carbon based copies, expanding
into a smorgasbord of infinite options.

Ignoring the number of dishes and chairs, Goldie
was disappointed that the last dish was “just right”.
A state of perfection for purpose was not on the cheat sheet
of allowable answers. The observation was not there.
It was too much to bare; in a philosophical rage,
she turned her attentions upstairs.

Three beds met her angry stare;
a suggestion of something purposive and planed was in the air.
Her humiliation was complete; what’s more, she was rhyming
with clichés, in the home of three overly opinionated bears!                                                                                                                                 
 
 
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#2
(02-16-2015, 01:11 AM)cidermaid Wrote:  Long time no write - any crit welcome.
Goldilocks’ enigma
Whilst the faultless furry family were strolling in the garden, -- So we've got a Paradise type idea going here.
discussing their bear faith issues and naming everything;
Goldilocks reduced the perfidious Pie of perfection,
using multiples of division.  She looped all the portions together
to adorn the extra six, special dimensions she kept in her bag.
No one cared; there was nothing much to see.

The chair was too small to stand upon, there was too much
evidence – it broke into conveniently sized atoms;
more fuel for the fire.  Nobody observed the newly improved
heads of state, formed under millennia of mutualism and blind symbiosis.
Midway through the DNA dance; she changed the tune
and crushed them under the heel of her serpent skin boots.
Pitiless, indifferent to the selfish memes of indoctrination.  -- I'm very confused here, but that may just be me.

Next came the pottage – the red lentil porridge;
her soup loop reduction was inconveniently  -- soup loop, Does this relate to  pi?
too sweet, too salty.  It had meaning and value.
She tried again.
Consulting, beyond the conventional zone,
a new theory of cooking by numbers was in.
A unique, sub structure of calculable mechanics,
with infinite carbon based copies, expanding
into a smorgasbord of infinite options.

Ignoring the number of dishes and chairs, Goldie
was disappointed that the last dish was “just right”.
A state of perfection for purpose was not on the cheat sheet
of allowable answers. The observation was not there.
It was too much to bare; in a philosophical rage,
she turned her attentions upstairs.

Three beds met her angry stare;
a suggestion of something purposive and planed was in the air. Planned or planed? Perhaps you did mean planed here.
Her humiliation was complete; what’s more, she was rhyming
with clichés, in the home of three overly opinionated bears!                                                                                                                                 
 
 

Well, I think I spotted some metrical variations if your were going for five iambs in each line, but I'm not sure if you would want to make it all regular. I was a bit confused but these poems about mathematics often confuse me. Maybe if I knew what you were trying to convey I could give better comments though I'm not sure if I'm supposed to know that to comment. The whole fairy tail idea reminds of me of Anne sexton who does a pretty good job with that stuff.
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#3
Hi Brownlie,
Thanks for reading and commenting.
good catch on planned. (How do we always manage to miss these ones...just reading what we think is there instead of what is actually there no matter how many times we proof read). Thanks for that.

I will pm you my ideas in this one for you to choose to read or not as you like.
Many thanks AJ.
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#4
I'm sorry, I read this thing like twenty times, but I still can't really critique it. I'm somewhat of a vagrant myself when it comes to any form of belief system, but I do think that a lot of racist ideas were justified by biology. Hey, at least you're not talking about statutes and horrible crimes.
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#5
A.J,

"she changed the tune and crushed them under the heel of her serpent skin boots"

Who is "them?"
________________________________________________
One turn deserves a worser, plus my brain is too fired to do anything else*

Your deduction induction has subducted your porridge,
a slide rule's much better than a computer in storage.
"Buuuttt, where are my micro SD cards," Goldilocks cried.
"Now you've done it, I'm out of the zone, so die, die, die!"
(imitating the emperor from Star wars III)
...and they all lived happily every after, you see
...except for the humans, who became toast
for bears, besides porridge, is what they like the most.

*allergies have nearly put me in my grave, or made me wish I was there. (insert maniacal laugh)

dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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#6
Dale, i'm similarly wondering who the "them" in question might be. It could be those blind and indifferent, DNA development agents, however, I'm inclinded to look at the aformentioned nobodies who have refused to do due diligence in the observational department, as those most likely to be the cause of Goldie's anger issues.

Please clarify; is it that the humans are toast for the bears to eat, because as well as porridge they like toasted humans
or is it that the humans became toast, possibly because of medical complications caused by the undigestable parts of a bear, or possibly issues relating to portion control and upon the over consumption of bears?

Also Goldie should worry...if allergies were my only problem Gladly my cross i'd bare. (insert hollow laugh)

Alison.
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