I Stole For You

[Norimeknowreason]

I stole red roses from the neighbor's garden to give to you
but you threw all those red roses away.
Now I'm left broken-hearted and my neighbor and I,
we haven't spoken in days.

[pmmurphy]

I stole red roses from the neighbor's garden to give to you
but you threw all those red roses away.
Now I'm left broken-hearted and my neighbor and I,
we haven't spoken in days.

(i am going to make some minor edits you can ignore them if you want please i do not wish to intrude on your poetry i just want to show what a little brevity can do to htis.)

I stole roses from my neighbor's garden
but you threw them away.
now im broken hearted;
and we havn't spoken for days.

This is your same poem same words same bulk just a few minor adjustments. You might not like it as much as yours or you might like it. Its really up to you. This feels like a brevity piece that is missing brevity! In brevity you want to minimize the amount of words you use when capturing your poem. So filler words or extraneous things should be gone and void. It is ok to use simple english and vauge concepts. I like your poem as is honestly i just think some minor brevity reworking (taking words out and replacing them with similair fewer amount of words with same meaning) can really take this to another place.

I hope my crit is helpful, and i apologize for rewriting your poem, i just wanted to give you an example.

[Norimeknowreason]

Thank you for taking the time to offer suggestions. I've always been a "rule" breaker. I do like your rewrite, but I want it known that not only did this poor, lovesick thief, loose his/her girl/guy, if that wasn't bad enough, his neighbor won't even talk to him anymore. lol. You nailed me too by the way, I am the worst about editing. I tend to get wordy, I like to think of myself as more of a free style artist, than a poet. But I am here to learn and improve. Thanks again.

[Tiger the Lion]

I agree with murphy. I think you can say this with more brevity. I think you have a decent idea for a poem. If you can find a way to say it in half as many words it could be a strong short poem.
Paul

[Mitul Yadav]

This brought a smile on my face. I dunno...the words seemed cluttered, but there was a certain rhythm in the original piece. Also, i think it is not all about cutting on words, atleast in this case. Here, the excess words speak a lot about the author, who comes across as a hopeless romantic, as opposed to the silent and serious kinds, as suggested in the edits. The quirky sentence structure gives a lovesick and pop-punk feel. In my opinion, it was pretty.

[starsman]

I stole red roses from the neighbor's garden to give to you
but you threw all those red roses away.
Now I'm left broken-hearted and my neighbor and I,
we haven't spoken in days.

Hello there,

I like your poem, at least, I like the concept. It is a parable, containing a little nugget of wisdom for us to learn from. Don't go and hurt your friends to make a new one! Your message comes through clearly and is easy to see, understand and appreciate.

However, this is a poetry forum, and I must also consider how I think of this as a poem and not just as a message. I think your strongest point is your line breaks, I especially like the split between lines 3 & 4. However, there is a point in here that I find to be weak: your meter. Now, without going too deep and counting everything, I can tell by the feel that there is something off about lines 1 & 2. Lines 3 & 4 come off nicely, and have a good contrast between the length of 3 and the brevity of 4. Line 1 starts off well, and the alliteration of 'red roses' is quaint, but by the time I got to 'neighbors garden' and finally to 'give to you', it lost its pace.

For a poem as short as this one, the choice of words and pacing is much more crucial. You've left yourself with 4 lines to make your mark on me, so you must really polish those up spectacularly if you want to make a great impression.

Nevertheless, pacing problems and some word choice aside, I still liked this for its story-like content. I look forward to seeing if you find a way to crunch these few words together even better. It's tough to write a short poem, keep at it!

Cheers, S.M.

[Norimeknowreason]

I stole for you, red roses,
from the neighbor's garden.
You threw those roses away.
now I'm left with a broken heart  
and my neighbor and I, well,
we still haven't spoken in days.  
                    Thanks so much for all the critiques. I'll take each in one in consideration
                                                                 Another attempt. .

[Erthona]

Certainly could stand a trim. The long lines break any rhythm that seems to get going.
The second "red" could and should be done away with.

I stole red roses from the neighbor's garden to give to you
but you threw all those red roses away.
Now I'm left broken-hearted and my neighbor and I,
we haven't spoken in days.

Maybe something like (not a suggestion, just an example - this isn't very rhythmic but it does make the lines more manageable )

From my neighbor's garden,
I stole red roses for you;
you threw the roses away.
Now I am broken.
My neighbor and I
have not spoken
for days.

Dale

[Magnum]

My point of confusion is why you and the neighbor haven't spoken. Is it because he caught you stealing the roses? You have to clarify that point. The rest seems logical and to the point. With a few corrections, it's shows how you felt about this two-faced woman that you once held in your arms, but now has dumped you for maybe the neighbor?

[indarican]

I stole red roses from the neighbor's garden to give to you (Maybe change To give to you - for you, I feel like the flow is off)
but you threw all those red roses away.
Now I'm left broken-hearted and my neighbor and I,
we haven't spoken in days. (I think the we can be omitted)

This poem makes me want to know more. I was straight to the point and fresh. I have only read it once and its already stuck in my head. Very nicely done.

[Cthonian]

I am not great at critique but I wanted to try to suggest a few things.

I like the pathos in the poem. There's an element of awkward lovesickness and I like there's more mention of the neighbour than anyone else. I quite like the idea of not mentioning the neighbour until the end. Very quick rewrite to describe what I mean:

I stole roses from the garden,
but you threw them all away.
Now I am left broken-hearted -
neighbour hasn't talked today.

That's a very wonky example but I hope you get what I mean. Thanks for the read.