Edited well after V-Day (Thanks for Comments)

[Brownlie]

So the topic dooms this poem a little, but I'm going to edit because of the comments. Oh the fugue, it is too much to take. 

The holiday has long since passed away,
and now they sell defamed remains of Kitsch. 
The scalloped icon hearts  are in a blob
of reddish pink inside the fading order,
and Pepe’ le pew's engraved visage on a card 
is crying never never mi  l’amour.
His rapine gait is none of our concern,
but the famished arrow  strikes us all as beasts
when the cherubic cupids hang above.
As we suckle proverbs or an acronym
on a chalky semblance of our organs,
the clothing models coyly beckon us
Come hither now, assimilate...




 

[cidermaid]

 Hi browlie,  I quite like the idea behind this one.  The punctuation is  somewhat all over the place.  In particular in respect to the treatment you give to the start of each new line.  You appear to have a random selector thing going on with the use of capitol letters.

My other issue was mostly concerned with images that are perhaps regional or very specific to a place i know nothing of.
This is mild so i will just highlight a couple of lines for you.

The holiday has long since passed away,  You do mention valentine in the title so i think you can get away with this non specific starter ...but it did make me stumble and go back to check which holiday was under discussion.
And now they sell the surplus at big box stores.
The scalloped frills are often thrown in disarray,  Like these two lines.  Good images.
And Pepe’ le pew cries ever l’amour.  The construction on this does not sit right with me.  Think it would be better as ever cries.
A learned man may contemplate a famished arrow   Think i get the love starved element of why the arrow is famished but it is a bit of a near miss when i read it the first time to make this connection (assuming this ws the image you were going for).
As he suckles proverbs or an acronym   Love this image
and chuckles at the redness of a barrow
glazed with rain and brimming
at the wheel.   I didn't see how a barrow has a wheel and how a wheeel brims.  (Brimming at the rim).
Or a lofty student may spit
out his sugar candy
and complain with acumen and whit
about the bleeding nature of the moistened text.    Solid sentance for image and delivery.
Yet, most would probably ignore the cupid doylies
Crumpled by a misplaced letter x.   Again a trip for me - how does a misplaced letter x crumple?   swap by for with and it will make more sense.
The clothing models beckon much more coyly
Than the faded chaulky symbols of one day
And people come here to this store to rest.    I completly fail to get the referance of what store this is,  (UK based), what the rest was or how this links with valentines day or clothing mannequins.  (I am going to make a guess at girls being superficial about a valentines offering and being turned instantly by fashion on a sunday shopping trip....This is way too much like hard work for me)  




 

Hope some comments to help.  Like i said liked the subject idea and lots of good images and things going on in here.
All the best AJ.

[Brownlie]

 Hi browlie,  I quite like the idea behind this one.  The punctuation is  somewhat all over the place.  In particular in respect to the treatment you give to the start of each new line.  You appear to have a random selector thing going on with the use of capitol letters.

My other issue was mostly concerned with images that are perhaps regional or very specific to a place i know nothing of.
This is mild so i will just highlight a couple of lines for you.

The holiday has long since passed away,  You do mention valentine in the title so i think you can get away with this non specific starter ...but it did make me stumble and go back to check which holiday was under discussion.
And now they sell the surplus at big box stores.
The scalloped frills are often thrown in disarray,  Like these two lines.  Good images.
And Pepe’ le pew cries ever l’amour.  The construction on this does not sit right with me.  Think it would be better as ever cries.
A learned man may contemplate a famished arrow   Think i get the love starved element of why the arrow is famished but it is a bit of a near miss when i read it the first time to make this connection (assuming this ws the image you were going for).
As he suckles proverbs or an acronym   Love this image
and chuckles at the redness of a barrow
glazed with rain and brimming
at the wheel.   I didn't see how a barrow has a wheel and how a wheeel brims.  (Brimming at the rim).
Or a lofty student may spit
out his sugar candy
and complain with acumen and whit
about the bleeding nature of the moistened text.    Solid sentance for image and delivery.
Yet, most would probably ignore the cupid doylies
Crumpled by a misplaced letter x.   Again a trip for me - how does a misplaced letter x crumple?   swap by for with and it will make more sense.
The clothing models beckon much more coyly
Than the faded chaulky symbols of one day
And people come here to this store to rest.    I completly fail to get the referance of what store this is,  (UK based), what the rest was or how this links with valentines day or clothing mannequins.  (I am going to make a guess at girls being superficial about a valentines offering and being turned instantly by fashion on a sunday shopping trip....This is way too much like hard work for me)  




 

Hope some comments to help.  Like i said liked the subject idea and lots of good images and things going on in here.
All the best AJ.

Thanks, some good comments here. I tend to fill these things with references that don't explain themselves. You got the ending right, but I'll have to take that into consideration. As for the wheel barrow thing. I'll put this in because I thought this other poem is worth looking at:

Red Wheelbarrow by William Carlos Williams.

so much depends
upon

a red wheel
barrow

glazed with rain
water

beside the white
chickens.

I really liked his enjambment  at the word "wheel."

[just mercedes]

 

The holiday has long since passed away,
And now they sell the surplus at big box stores.  after the iambic pentameter of the first line, this feels disjointed
The scalloped frills are often thrown in disarray,
And Pepe’ le pew cries ever l’amour.
A learned man may contemplate a famished arrow I don't get the allusion here
As he suckles proverbs or an acronym
and chuckles at the redness of a barrow
glazed with rain and brimming
at the wheel. What is William Carlos Williams doing at a Walmart?
Or a lofty student may spit
out his sugar candy
and complain with acumen and whit I think you mean 'wit'
about the bleeding nature of the moistened text.
Yet, most would probably ignore the cupid doylies
Crumpled by a misplaced letter x.
The clothing models beckon much more coyly
Than the faded chaulky symbols of one day I think you mean 'chalky'
And people come here to this store to rest.


 

Strange form - I kept wanting the meter to stay constant, as well as the rhyme scheme. But the idea that propels the poem, that of over-consumption I guess, feels right.

[Brownlie]

 

The holiday has long since passed away,
And now they sell the surplus at big box stores.  after the iambic pentameter of the first line, this feels disjointed
The scalloped frills are often thrown in disarray,
And Pepe’ le pew cries ever l’amour.
A learned man may contemplate a famished arrow I don't get the allusion here
As he suckles proverbs or an acronym
and chuckles at the redness of a barrow
glazed with rain and brimming
at the wheel. What is William Carlos Williams doing at a Walmart?
Or a lofty student may spit
out his sugar candy
and complain with acumen and whit I think you mean 'wit'
about the bleeding nature of the moistened text.
Yet, most would probably ignore the cupid doylies
Crumpled by a misplaced letter x.
The clothing models beckon much more coyly
Than the faded chaulky symbols of one day I think you mean 'chalky'
And people come here to this store to rest.


 

Strange form - I kept wanting the meter to stay constant, as well as the rhyme scheme. But the idea that propels the poem, that of over-consumption I guess, feels right.

Yeah the form here is more or less ad hoc hodge podge that more or less centers around pentameter lines. There's a few typos and there's definitely some dissonance with the whole Wal Mart thing. 

The famished arrow is in that e.e. Cummings poem "All In Green:"

Four fleet does at a gold valley

the famished arrow sang before.