The Fence

[onepapa]

I watch the ghosts in the evening haze
along the pasture fence.

We built that fence fifty years ago,
my back wet from driving pick and shovel,
placing the posts exactly where Grandfather pointed.

My aching fingers like broken sticks
from stretching barbed wire in perfect lines
on posts flawlessly spaced.

He towered above me.
"Build it well," he said,
"and it will last longer than we will."

A breeze swirls the ghosts and haze away
from the glistening taut wire.

[fromcancertocapricorn]

I watch the ghosts in the evening haze
along the pasture fence.

We built that fence fifty years ago,
my back wet from driving pick and shovel,
placing the posts exactly where Grandfather pointed.

My aching fingers like broken sticks I'm not too sure about the phrasing here.
from stretching barbed wire in perfect lines
on posts flawlessly spaced.

He towered above me.
"Build it well," he said,
"and it will last longer than we will."

A breeze swirls the ghosts and haze away
from the glistening taut wire. I feel like this is a weird ending, like the poem didn't go anywhere.

Overall I really don't like the poem. I think you may be trying to get at a theme of family preservation. Otherwise, you might just be recollecting a meaningful experience you had with your grandfather. The poem has no profound or somewhat interesting ideas. What is this even about: nothing important. If you did have some goal of theme or wanted to convey something of importance you failed...

[Brownlie]

Ok, so fence for me is connected with the picket white fence idea. I would probably include that you're talking about a barbed wire fence in the title.

I watch the ghosts in the evening haze --"Ghosts" as standalone idea is somewhat confusing here, but this is an interesting topic.
along the pasture fence. -- This brings to mind the pastoral genre (and some of its variants I suppose) which is somewhat interesting in relation to the picket white fences.

We built that fence fifty years ago,
my back wet from driving pick and shovel, -- Excellent topic. However, this seems to be lacking a smoothness to it.
placing the posts exactly where Grandfather pointed.

My aching fingers like broken sticks
from stretching barbed wire in perfect lines -- Excellent topic, but again it seems clunky.
on posts flawlessly spaced. -- Flawless and perfect seems somewhat redundant.

He towered above me.
"Build it well," he said,
"and it will last longer than we will."

A breeze swirls the ghosts and haze away
from the glistening taut wire.

This topic is awesome. I would suggest trying to put it into blank verse with more exact description. That's just my opinion though.

[ajcohen613]

I watch the ghosts in the evening haze
along the pasture fence.
We built that fence fifty years ago,
my back wet from driving pick and shovel,
placing the posts exactly where Grandfather pointed.
My aching fingers like broken sticks
from stretching barbed wire in perfect lines
on posts flawlessly spaced.
He towered above me.
"Build it well," he said,
"and it will last longer than we will."
A breeze swirls the ghosts and haze away
from the glistening taut wire.
These last two stanzas seem like the two you should be working with. The idea that the fence will survive longer than you/he will is a cool idea that allows you plenty of space. If you can experiment with ways to illustrate the effects/affects of time more productively in this poem, which seems like one of the central topics here, it could become something quite good. Maybe quoting your grandfather isn't the best idea; you might want to make the long-lasting aspect of the fence more strong by showing, not telling. Cheers.

[Erthona]

Reminds me of  Frost's, "Good Fences Make Good Neighbors"

"driving pick and shovel"  The full phrase would be "driving pick and shovel into the ground". Maybe it's a local saying, but it seems contrived and is disruptive to the reading for that reason.

suggestion:

My aching fingers:
broken sticks from stretching
barbed wire in prefect lines
on flawlessly spaced posts.

"He towered above me." --> He towered over me."

Towered above me, makes me think of skyscrapers or giant cranes, not a grandfather.

Release the reprise of the last two lines, this isn't from the period of the English Romantics and now that we have progressed through the fire of modernism it is no longer allowed; so excise, don't resize!

Dale

 

[mongolfiere]

I really like the idea of creating something that will outlive you and the memory that comes with it, however I'd like to know more about the ghosts you refer to in the first and last stanzas. Is your persona watching the memory of building the fence play out in front of him and then the wind kind of sweeps his former self away? If so, I think that is another cool idea that could be enhanced by a bit of detail.

I really like that even though it is a fairly short poem, you managed to include a variety of different lessons. For example, working hard and through the aches and pains and again that idea of creating a legacy, something that will outlive you.

I think you have some really good ideas. Keep up the good work!

- mongolfiere

[just mercedes]

I watch the ghosts in the evening haze
along the pasture fence. There's one too many 'the' in these lines for me

We built that fence fifty years ago,
my back wet from driving pick and shovel,
placing the posts exactly where Grandfather pointed. Good imagery

My aching fingers like broken sticks Good imagery
from stretching barbed wire in perfect lines
on posts flawlessly spaced.

He towered above me.
"Build it well," he said,
"and it will last longer than we will."

A breeze swirls the ghosts and haze away
from the glistening taut wire. I can accept that the haze or fog made fifty year old wire glisten, but I've never seen a fifty year old fence that still had taut wire.

I keep coming back to this. It holds a lot for a simple poem - learning life's lessons isn't easy and it's painful, the older generation has a lot to teach us, love and respect for family, keeping things in their right place, the way that things can bring back people to memory. Yet in the end it somehow disappoints me, lets me down. I'm not even sure why.

[onepapa]

I watch the ghosts in the evening haze
along the pasture fence.

We built that fence fifty years ago,
my back wet from driving pick and shovel,
placing the posts exactly where Grandfather pointed.

My aching fingers like broken sticks
from stretching barbed wire in perfect lines
on posts flawlessly spaced.

He towered above me.
"Build it well," he said,
"and it will last longer than we will."

A breeze swirls the ghosts and haze away
from the glistening taut wire.

Brownlie, fromcancertocapricorn, ajcohen613, Erthona, mongolfiere and Mercedes,

Thanks to all of you for the thoughtful and constructive comments. I pared down a much longer version of this poem, striving for brevity and clarity and it appears that I went too far and lost it with the ending strophe (not that the ending is the only problem). I like the idea that the older generations have much to teach us, if we will only listen. I also like the idea that we have an obligation to teach the younger generations the lessons we have so painfully learned. Thanks again. Good work shop feedback really helps.

onepapa

[Leah S.]

I watch the ghosts in the evening haze
along the pasture fence.

We built that fence fifty years ago,
my back wet from driving pick and shovel,
placing the posts exactly where Grandfather pointed.

My aching fingers like broken sticks The syntax bothers me here. I know you mean 'are like' but it doesn't flow with the next line like it should.
from stretching barbed wire in perfect lines
on posts flawlessly spaced.

He towered above me.
"Build it well," he said,
"and it will last longer than we will."

A breeze swirls the ghosts and haze away
from the glistening taut wire.

I do like the revision. I think you could improve it even more by adding stanzas (or expanding the first stanza) that really show the reader the present.  I assume that the first and last stanzas are the narrator in the present, looking at that long lasting fence built long ago, and remembering what Grandfather said about it lasting "longer than we will." "We built that fence fifty years ago" is too expository, and doesn't really let the reader inhabit the scene.

[onepapa]

I watch the ghosts in the evening haze
along the pasture fence.

We built that fence fifty years ago,
my back wet from driving pick and shovel,
placing the posts exactly where Grandfather pointed.

My aching fingers like broken sticks The syntax bothers me here. I know you mean 'are like' but it doesn't flow with the next line like it should.
from stretching barbed wire in perfect lines
on posts flawlessly spaced.

He towered above me.
"Build it well," he said,
"and it will last longer than we will."

A breeze swirls the ghosts and haze away
from the glistening taut wire.

I do like the revision. I think you could improve it even more by adding stanzas (or expanding the first stanza) that really show the reader the present.  I assume that the first and last stanzas are the narrator in the present, looking at that long lasting fence built long ago, and remembering what Grandfather said about it lasting "longer than we will." "We built that fence fifty years ago" is too expository, and doesn't really let the reader inhabit the scene.

Leah,

Thanks for the critique and I like your suggestions. I pared this far too much and did not get the ending right so I have lots of work to do.

onepapa

[lacan123]

I watch the ghosts in the evening haze
along the pasture fence.

We built that fence fifty years ago,
my back wet from driving pick and shovel,
placing the posts exactly where Grandfather pointed.

My aching fingers like broken sticks
from stretching barbed wire in perfect lines
on posts flawlessly spaced.

He towered above me.
"Build it well," he said,
"and it will last longer than we will."

A breeze swirls the ghosts and haze away
from the glistening taut wire.

Well, my well-meant suggestion would be that your poem suffers from something almost all early creative writing does: it's like a private language - as if one part of you were writing to another part of you. It is a series of evocative images that no doubt have meaning to you but are enigmatic to an outsider. It doesn't attempt to communicate either an idea or an argument - as old school poetry always did. In the 20th century of course some poets appeared to abandon some of these things: but if you look at, say T. S. Eliot's The Wasteland - the most famous early example of truly 'modern' poetry - while apparently abandoning the communication of ideas, or making of arguments, or droning on about plants and lakes and things, he produces extraordinary psychological effects that are similar to dreams. Or watching David Lynch films.

I hope you find this helpful.

Most readers, if they are honest, expect a reward for expending the effort of reading something; to be entertained.

[Leah S.]

I watch the ghosts in the evening haze
along the pasture fence.
We built that fence fifty years ago,
my back wet from driving pick and shovel,
placing the posts exactly where Grandfather pointed.
My aching fingers like broken sticks
from stretching barbed wire in perfect lines
on posts flawlessly spaced.
He towered above me.
"Build it well," he said,
"and it will last longer than we will."
A breeze swirls the ghosts and haze away
from the glistening taut wire.

I like the revision, but still think the final stanza could be further refined. The ghosts are what's important, but you lead with the breeze. Maybe 'The ghost-haze swirls away in the breeze' ? That would leave you with a separate sentence for the last line and you could hammer home the image of the enduring fence that remains even after the ghosts have faded away and left it unhaunted. Carry on. Leah.

[Wjames]

I watch the ghosts in the evening haze
along the pasture fence. [b]I agree with some others, I think you could cut one of the "the's". I would cut the first one if I were you.[/b]

We built that fence fifty years ago,
my back wet from driving pick and shovel,
placing the posts exactly where Grandfather pointed.

My aching fingers like broken sticks I like this image, I can see the bark hanging off a broken stick where it snapped looking like skin surrounding a cut.
from stretching barbed wire in perfect lines
on posts flawlessly spaced.

He towered above me.
"Build it well," he said,
"and it will last longer than we will." I don't like the enjambment here, I would just have this stanza as two lines.

A breeze swirls the ghosts and haze away
from the glistening taut wire.

This is a really nice, compact poem I think you pulled off very well.

[onepapa]

lacan 123, Leah S., Wjames,

Thank you for your thoughtful comments. I have been away so am a bit tardy in responding to some of you. All good comments and I will use them carefully.

onepapa

[jasmine.m.wardiya]

I watch the ghosts in the evening haze might be a little pedantic, but I find "evening" an oddly long word for the rest of that line; it's the only one with more than one syllable, so having three syllables just drags it a little extra. Evening is also quite a dull connotation; while you do neatly circumvent the ghosts coming out at night idea, I don't see what specifying the evening adds to this. I think morning or dawn might be an interesting idea to play with if you were intentionally circumventing the night idea. Othewrise, try a one or two syllable word and see if that reads better? Two might work, since you have pasture in the second line.
along the pasture fence. using ghost and pasture together gives this poem quite a homely start.

We built that fence fifty years ago, again pedantic, but "ago" is a rather common way to describe time. It's not something that's going to make that line stick in my head -though it might be appropriate; you don't have many fancy word so as a stylistic choice that works well. Just consider which images you /do/ want to stick out. Reading the rest of the poem, this line could appear in the end instead and accomplish much the same thing but without setting a pre-expectation. Either way works I think, but it's something interesting to think about.
my back wet from driving pick and shovel, I read this line a few times, then caught the almost bell-like tone in it. Nice!
placing the posts exactly where Grandfather pointed. this line reads more like prose than poetry to me. It's a little...wordy? Descriptive? Not sure which - it just seems a little longer than the others, which makes it stick out a little.

My aching fingers like broken sticks I wonder if broken isn't too strong a word here. Aching and broken really don't go together - aching is dull, breaks are sharp. Then again, I'm a med student so we need to drill that difference into our heads. But I'd recommend against broken. Bent maybe? Or however you describe impressions from wires into fingers... Stiff?
from stretching barbed wire in perfect lines
on posts flawlessly spaced. flawless is an interesting choice here. Works well with the next stanza, but without it it begs the question aso why you didn't use something like "exact"

He towered above me.
"Build it well," he said,
"and it will last longer than we will." the "will" reads redundantly here. You could end the sentence at "we" and it loses nothing. Personally, I think it gains a hint of rhyme (me/we) to add to the piece.

A breeze swirls the ghosts and haze away I find this more of a morning than an afternoon image. Sundew glistening in the morning sun sort of image.
from the glistening taut wire. realistically, no matter how well you build a barbed wire, it will have rusted at the very least I believe. And the wood would have darkened and been battered. If it still stands, perhaps that's the sort of image you should try to end on? As opposed to this fantasical everlasting image? Despite the mention of ghosts, this piece has quite a realistic feel to it, hence the ending reads a little oddly compared to the rest of the piece.

Personally, I think short works well for this piece. But I prefer short poems in general so that might just be a personal choice. Nice work and looking forward to seeing how it evolves!

[onepapa]

I watch the ghosts in the evening haze might be a little pedantic, but I find "evening" an oddly long word for the rest of that line; it's the only one with more than one syllable, so having three syllables just drags it a little extra. Evening is also quite a dull connotation; while you do neatly circumvent the ghosts coming out at night idea, I don't see what specifying the evening adds to this. I think morning or dawn might be an interesting idea to play with if you were intentionally circumventing the night idea. Othewrise, try a one or two syllable word and see if that reads better? Two might work, since you have pasture in the second line.
along the pasture fence. using ghost and pasture together gives this poem quite a homely start.

We built that fence fifty years ago, again pedantic, but "ago" is a rather common way to describe time. It's not something that's going to make that line stick in my head -though it might be appropriate; you don't have many fancy word so as a stylistic choice that works well. Just consider which images you /do/ want to stick out. Reading the rest of the poem, this line could appear in the end instead and accomplish much the same thing but without setting a pre-expectation. Either way works I think, but it's something interesting to think about.
my back wet from driving pick and shovel, I read this line a few times, then caught the almost bell-like tone in it. Nice!
placing the posts exactly where Grandfather pointed. this line reads more like prose than poetry to me. It's a little...wordy? Descriptive? Not sure which - it just seems a little longer than the others, which makes it stick out a little.

My aching fingers like broken sticks I wonder if broken isn't too strong a word here. Aching and broken really don't go together - aching is dull, breaks are sharp. Then again, I'm a med student so we need to drill that difference into our heads. But I'd recommend against broken. Bent maybe? Or however you describe impressions from wires into fingers... Stiff?
from stretching barbed wire in perfect lines
on posts flawlessly spaced. flawless is an interesting choice here. Works well with the next stanza, but without it it begs the question aso why you didn't use something like "exact"

He towered above me.
"Build it well," he said,
"and it will last longer than we will." the "will" reads redundantly here. You could end the sentence at "we" and it loses nothing. Personally, I think it gains a hint of rhyme (me/we) to add to the piece.

A breeze swirls the ghosts and haze away I find this more of a morning than an afternoon image. Sundew glistening in the morning sun sort of image.
from the glistening taut wire. realistically, no matter how well you build a barbed wire, it will have rusted at the very least I believe. And the wood would have darkened and been battered. If it still stands, perhaps that's the sort of image you should try to end on? As opposed to this fantasical everlasting image? Despite the mention of ghosts, this piece has quite a realistic feel to it, hence the ending reads a little oddly compared to the rest of the piece.

Personally, I think short works well for this piece. But I prefer short poems in general so that might just be a personal choice. Nice work and looking forward to seeing how it evolves!

Jasmine,

I am getting ready to rework this poem and I appreciate your comments.... very useful and helpful as I try to rebalance this and still keep the thing simple..... like the lessons learned.

onepapa