She Falls

[fromcancertocapricorn]

A german shepherd, wallows through filth.
she walks on top,
with paws cut by the edges of Coca-Cola cans,
just enough drink to make them sticky.
Her paws bleed;
her blood is carbonated.

The same shepherd, indulges in her surrounding leftovers,
indulging in its variegation:
of color and ingredients.
She shovels and pulls and pushes all.
The bags are full of no-name candy corn.
Her vomit is sucrose.

She slips down the side of one trash heap,
sliding on broken compact discs and
scrap metal.
The metal grinds against her already
bleeding feet, immobilizing her, beside the trash heap.
She rusts over like a discarded hammer.

A german shepherd,
with color and tastes and carbon dioxide
coursing through her system,
is curled beside the heap.
She is shaking with color and taste and air:
dying
in the waste of humanity.

She lies there, breathless.
She is covered in Pringles cans,
and disguised by stained prom dresses.
Another dog paces at the top of the heap,
smelling the air of danger.
She turns back too quickly.
She slips and falls beside her deceased sister.

Revised Version:
A German Shepherd wallows through filth.
she wades,
with paws cut by the unraveled edges of Coca-Cola cans,
just enough drink to make them sticky.
Her paws bleed;
her blood is carbonated.

The same shepherd, wallows through the same filth,
indulging in its variegation
of color and textures.
She shovels and pulls and pushes all.
She indulges in a bag of no-name candy corn.
Her vomit is sucrose.

She slips down the side of one trash heap,
sliding on broken compact discs and scrap metal.
The metal grinds against her already
bleeding feet, immobilizing her beside the trash heap.
She rusts over like a discarded hammer.

A german shepherd,
with color and tastes and carbon dioxide
coursing through her system,
is curled beside the heap.
She is shaking with color and taste and air:
dying
in the waste of humanity.

She lies there, breathless.
She is covered in Pringles cans,
and disguised by stained prom dresses.
Another dog paces at the top of the heap,
smelling the scent of danger
mixed with the residues of discarded Febreze cans.
She turns back too quickly.
She slips and falls beside her deceased sister.

[ellajam]

Damn you for making me read this multiple times, horrific but effective. Here are some notes.

A german shepherd, wallows through filth. Filth seems too nonspecific, you might cut this line altogether and add "on filth" but something better to the next line.
she walks on top,
with paws cut by the edges of Coca-Cola cans, "the edges" seems wordy and bland, maybe teeth.
just enough drink to make them sticky.
Her paws bleed;
her blood is carbonated. Fine line.

The same shepherd, wallows through the same filth, Again, she indulges would do for me.
indulging in its variegation:
of color and ingredients.
She shovels and pulls and pushes all.
The bags are full of no-name candy corn. Some bags? I have a problem with variegation and then the bags seeming to be the same.
Her vomit is sucrose. Again, fine final line.

She slips down the side of one trash heap,
sliding on broken compact discs and Not a fan of the break on "and".
scrap metal.
The metal grinds against her already Strong image.
bleeding feet, immobilizing her, beside the trash heap.
She rusts over like a discarded hammer.  I could go for "immobilized, she rusts".

A german shepherd,
with color and tastes and carbon dioxide
coursing through her system,
is curled beside the heap.
She is shaking with color and taste and air:
dying
in the waste of humanity.

She lays there, breathless. The move from shaking to breathless is suitably awful.
She is covered in Pringles cans,
and disguised by stained prom dresses.
Another dog paces at the top of the heap,
smelling the air of danger.
She turns back too quickly.
She slips and falls beside her deceased sister.

Hope this helps.

[bena]

Last S, lays should be lies.

Very interesting construction, and imagery throughout is striking in realism. I enjoy the murky stuff that crawls around the recesses of society, so this is pretty much in my playhouse.

Just stopping by, may need to read a couple more to get to where I might comment on it more thoroughly, but overall a strong debut.

bena

[mongolfiere]

"just enough drink to make them sticky" - LOVE this line. It is such a small detail but your word choices make it sound like so much more than just "she's sticky."

"The metal grinds against her already bleeding feet, immobilizing her, beside the trash heap" - I feel like a this point you can just begin with "immobilized beside the trash heap..."

"A german shepherd, with color and tastes and carbon dioxide coursing through her system is curled beside the heap. She is shaking with color and taste and air: dying" - I like the idea, but I wish you would go into more detail about the colors and tastes. For example, maybe something along the lines of  "a german shepherd, with cerulean bitterness and carbon dioxide coursing through her system is curled beside the heap. She is shaking with the sepia brackishness of the air:  dying." "Color" and "tastes" are just very vague words and you have a real talent when it comes to imagery.

Overall, I think this is a really cool piece. Like I said, the imagery and detail in this poem is amazing. The only real problematic point for me was the "color and tastes" bit. I think your readers will connect more when you describe what she's going through with actual colors and words that describe taste rather than just telling them that she's filled with color.

You have a lot of really cool ideas. Keep up the good work!

- mongolfiere  

[Leah S.]

A german shepherd, wallows through filth.
she walks on top,
with paws cut by the edges of Coca-Cola cans,
just enough drink to make them sticky.
Her paws bleed;
her blood is carbonated.

The same shepherd, indulges in her surrounding leftovers,
indulging in its variegation:
of color and ingredients.
She shovels and pulls and pushes all.
The bags are full of no-name candy corn.
Her vomit is sucrose.

She slips down the side of one trash heap,
sliding on broken compact discs and
scrap metal.
The metal grinds against her already
bleeding feet, immobilizing her, beside the trash heap.
She rusts over like a discarded hammer.

A german shepherd,
with color and tastes and carbon dioxide
coursing through her system,
is curled beside the heap.
She is shaking with color and taste and air:
dying
in the waste of humanity.

She lies there, breathless.
She is covered in Pringles cans,
and disguised by stained prom dresses.
Another dog paces at the top of the heap,
smelling the air of danger.
She turns back too quickly.
She slips and falls beside her deceased sister.

Edit:
A german shepherd, wallows through filth. Lose the unnecessary comma. Also, German Shepherd should be capitalized.
she walks on top, If she is wallowing, she can't be walking on top. You could lose this whole line.
with paws cut by the unraveled edges of Coca-Cola cans, I like 'unraveled edges'.
just enough drink to make them sticky.
Her paws bleed;
her blood is carbonated. How about, "Her paws leak carbonated blood." ?

The same shepherd, wallows through the same filth, I don't get the reason for the repetition of "the same". If you moved "her paws bleed, her blood is carbonated," to just before "her vomit is sucrose." you wouldn't need to use "the same".
indulging in its variegation: Lose the unnecessary colon. Re: my suggestion above, this line would have to read, "She indulges in..."
of color and ingredients. Dogs are not esthetically discriminating. How about "of taste and texture." ?
She shovels and pulls and pushes all. How about 'roots' instead of "shovels" ?
The bags are full of no-name candy corn. What bags? This is the first time you mention them. You risk your reader envisioning a dump filled exclusively with bags of candy corn.
Her vomit is sucrose. How about "She vomits sucrose." ? (Or even 'high-fructose corn syrup.' ? (Just joking.)

She slips(slides?) down the side of one trash heap,
sliding(slipping?) on broken compact discs and scrap metal.
The metal grinds against her already You don't need "already".
bleeding feet, immobilizing her, beside the trash heap. Lose the second comma.
She rusts over like a discarded hammer.

A german shepherd,
with color and tastes and carbon dioxide
coursing through her system,
is curled beside the heap. How about 'curls beside the heap,' ?
She is shaking with color and taste and air: Lose 'She is'
dying
in the waste of humanity.

Example:
'is curled beside the heap,
shaking with color and taste and air:
dying
in the waste of humanity.

She lies there, breathless.
She is covered in Pringles cans, 'breathless, covered in Pringles cans, disguised by stained....
and disguised by stained prom dresses.
Another dog paces at the top of the heap,
smelling the air of danger. 'Dangerous air' ? 'Toxic air' ?
She turns back too quickly.
She slips and falls beside her deceased sister. I think just plain 'dead' would be better.

I really like this poem by the way. Carry on. Leah.