"- Katmandu -"

[Obadiah Grey]

To the left of katmandu
sat a man bereft one shoe,
was one sandal shod
so he said to God
"oh Lord this just won't do,
I've holed my sole
and my begging bowl
has up n then gone missing,
now it's my mishap
that I've trod in crap--
and I've got no pot
to piss in".


Hello; most of my pieces are humour based and as such not what you might call poetry, but heigh ho.
Feel free to add a little if you wish !! or, critique it.

Obi.

[tectak]

To the left of katmandu
sat a man bereft one shoe,
was one sandal shod
so he said to God
"oh Lord this just won't do,
I've holed my sole
and my begging bowl
has up n then gone missing,
now it's my mishap
that I've trod in crap--
and I've got no pot
to piss in".


Hello; most of my pieces are humour based and as such not what you might call poetry, but heigh ho.
Feel free to add a little if you wish !! or, critique it.

Obi.

Yes, it is humorous. Do you want it moved to the Fun forum. Thing is, even in Novice we must respect all posters and assume that they want critique. That is the much expressed raison d'etre of this site.
So:
Your wit is indisputable,
your grammar, though, is shot.
Some gaps are irrefutable
where words should be...they're not.
Capitals, you randomise,
they're optionally used.
Whereas, of course, they lionise;
your way, they just confuse.
So make me laugh by writing well,
by all means make it funny.
Just remember, show don't tell;
great metaphors are punny.

Best
tectak

[Obadiah Grey]

To the left of katmandu
sat a man bereft one shoe,
was one sandal shod
so he said to God
"oh Lord this just won't do,
I've holed my sole
and my begging bowl
has up n then gone missing,
now it's my mishap
that I've trod in crap--
and I've got no pot
to piss in".


Hello; most of my pieces are humour based and as such not what you might call poetry, but heigh ho.
Feel free to add a little if you wish !! or, critique it.

Obi.

Yes, it is humorous. Do you want it moved to the Fun forum. Thing is, even in Novice we must respect all posters and assume that they want critique. That is the much expressed raison d'etre of this site.
So:
Your wit is indisputable,
your grammar, though, is shot.
Some gaps are irrefutable
where words should be...they're not.
Capitals, you randomise,
they're optionally used.
Whereas, of course, they lionise;
your way, they just confuse.
So make me laugh by writing well,
by all means make it funny.
Just remember, show don't tell;
great metaphors are punny.

Best
tectak

By all means, move it to wherever you see fit.
Thanks for the witty reply, I couldn't have wished for a better one.

[Tiger the Lion]

To the left of katmandu
sat a man bereft one shoe,
was one sandal shod
so he said to God
"oh Lord this just won't do,
I've holed my sole
and my begging bowl
has up n then gone missing,
now it's my mishap
that I've trod in crap--
and I've got no pot
to piss in".


Hello; most of my pieces are humour based and as such not what you might call poetry, but heigh ho.
Feel free to add a little if you wish !! or, critique it.

Obi.

Yes, it is humorous. Do you want it moved to the Fun forum. Thing is, even in Novice we must respect all posters and assume that they want critique. That is the much expressed raison d'etre of this site.
So:
Your wit is indisputable,
your grammar, though, is shot.
Some gaps are irrefutable
where words should be...they're not.
Capitals, you randomise,
they're optionally used.
Whereas, of course, they lionise;
your way, they just confuse.
So make me laugh by writing well,
by all means make it funny.
Just remember, show don't tell;
great metaphors are punny.

Best
tectak

By all means, move it to wherever you see fit.
Thanks for the witty reply, I couldn't have wished for a better one.

If you were to walk
a mile in my shoes,
then your feet, my friend,
would fucking smell too.


Paul

[Obadiah Grey]

Gandhi left his sandals
on a step outside the door,
they were nicked by some
young vandals,
whilst Gandhi 'ad a snore.

Thanks for that, Paul.