Ones and Zeros (Warning: Sexual Subject Matter)

[fromcancertocapricorn]

He leaned over me, gaining leverage, showing his face:
mixed, 20, top.
I leaned into the bed, bracing and nervous for the first time.

My eyes were caked-over
as I pulled out my iPhone, clicking the yellow masquerade icon*,
latent, behind a folder.
His profile picture was touched-up.
I accepted, and he entered my address into his iPhone.
I told him my name was Chase, to shield me;
I also told him I was 18, to shield him.

The screen was glossy.
His skin was cold.
My hands were moist.

I had scrolled through a catalog of human faces,
and chosen the square photograph he had uploaded:
not a face, but a mechanical display of ones and zeros,
adjacent in an endless list without a pattern: 1 0 1 0 0 0 1 1 0. . .

He loomed over me.
I felt a metal rod puncture me.
I shivered in simultaneous success and pain.

I let out a forced grunt, lowering my voice to a socially accepted pitch.

He continued, with his one in my zero,
intermittently sending out signals,
like a metal antenna,
mechanical, with no passionate rhythm.

*The display for Grindr, a gay hookup app for smartphones.

[tectak]

Hello,
I always read posted work through several times before offering crit. I am surprised by how often I find myself wondering why the writer doesn't do the same before posting. Zeal, I suppose. In this piece I am pleasantly surprised to find some sound punctuation and some interesting phrasing. Accordingly, please forgive me for nit picking...there is not a great deal amiss. Having said that, I am disappointed by the lack of blatant sexuality....though the metaphor lasts the course. Here goes.
He leaned over me, gaining leverage, showing his face: As an opener it is a gambit. Staccato-speak permits for errors which would be more apparent if written in "ordinary" sentences. Nonetheless....
mixed, 20, top. mixed? Not sure what you mean. Write twenty. Age, of course, casually observed...I think "tops" is the cliche/expression....but what consequence?
I leaned into the bed, bracing and nervous. I am sure that the repeat of "lean" is a deliberate device and it just works...but having used "leverage" in L1 we could expect the device to be complete...so it is "braced" not "bracing." That is a whole new meaning.

My eyes were caked-over Overkill with "caked over", made worse by the simultaneity inherent in the "as" word. Were your eyes only " caked over" during the pulling out of the iphone? No. So period after "caked over", then omit the "as". Try it.
as I pulled out my iPhone, clicking the yellow masquerade icon,
latent, behind a folder. I have little idea what this is referencing, nor do I feel the need to know, so I am a little worried that it may be superfluous...in what sense are you using "latent"?
His profile picture was touched-up.
I accepted, and he entered my address into his iPhone.
I told him my name was Chase, to shield me;
I also told him I was 18, to shield him. Again, very matter of fact and of some interest. I am  getting to know the character by osmosis....though Chastity may have been a better name.

The screen was glossy.
His skin was cold.
My hands were moist.

I had scrolled through a catalog of human faces,
and chosen the square photograph he had uploaded:
not a face, but a mechanical display of ones and zeros,
adjacent in an endless list without a pattern: 1 0 1 0 0 0 1 1 0. . . or was it patternless but 11010110001? Why  does it matter? This is just filler.

He leaned over me. Now you have too much leaning...you are both on a cant...and I know what I mean.
I felt a metal rod puncture me.
I shivered in simultaneous success and pain. I feel an inevitability in the scenario which is a let down. You could, and should, make more of this. Where is the indignity? Where the satisfaction? You are making observations as the writer...not the character...and it shows.

I let out a forced grunt, lowering my voice to a socially accepted pitch. No to "...let out a forced..." Nonsensical. Involuntary trumpets are never forced...they slip out nastily. " ...a socially acceptable pitch." if you want the correct cliche...though you have been relatively cliche-free you trump with this one in terms of mixed meaning. Do you mean lowered as in volume, in which case pitch(frequency) is wrong, or lowered in frequency in which case I am unaware of the social stigma which you try to negate? Help.

He continued, with his one in my zero,
intermittently sending out signals,
like a metal antenna,
mechanical, with no passionate rhythm. Metaphorically apt, clever but inconclusive for a final curtain. Try not to get too (two) fond of metal...especially as it is inconceivable that an antenna would be made of anything else.

Needs much more animosity. The thing is just too passively observed. There is an act of minor sexual deviancy here which needs to be poetically ( after all, this is a poetry site) exposed. It did not turn me on or off...but that's not to say anything about the poem...more about the reader. Hmmm. Actually, that is important...isn't it?
Best,
tectak

[Brownlie]

He leaned over me, gaining leverage, showing his face:
mixed, 20, top. -- The use of symbols that convey full words may be what this poem has going for it. I think there are some people into that sort of thing.
I leaned into the bed, bracing and nervous.

My eyes were caked-over
as I pulled out my iPhone, clicking the yellow masquerade icon,
latent, behind a folder.
His profile picture was touched-up.
I accepted, and he entered my address into his iPhone.
I told him my name was Chase, to shield me;
I also told him I was 18, to shield him.

The screen was glossy.
His skin was cold. -
My hands were moist.

I had scrolled through a catalog of human faces,
and chosen the square photograph he had uploaded:
not a face, but a mechanical display of ones and zeros,
adjacent in an endless list without a pattern: 1 0 1 0 0 0 1 1 0. . . -- This is sort of interesting, but you may want to try putting this into a regular pattern. With the binary, if you're going to use it, you should spell something with it. Right now you're spelling apostrophe.

He leaned over me.
I felt a metal rod puncture me.
I shivered in simultaneous success and pain.

I let out a forced grunt, lowering my voice to a socially accepted pitch. -- I don't get this line.


He continued, with his one in my zero,
intermittently sending out signals,
like a metal antenna,
mechanical, with no passionate rhythm.

[fromcancertocapricorn]

Thank you Brownlie and Tectak! I think there is a major flaw in my writing of this poem, the flaw being that the poem is written about two men having sex, and I'm not too sure that this was conveyed at all.

I tried to show the homosexuality through the words "yellow masquerade icon," which is the app display for Grindr, a hookup app for gay men, but this requires previous knowledge most people don't have, should I simply name Grindr?

This was also my reason behind the use of the word "latent," as many closeted men would hide the app in one of the folders on your iPhone. This was also the explanation for my decision not to include any blatant sexuality, as the character is intended to be closeted and therefore uncomfortable in many ways with said sexuality. The word "mixed, 20, top" is the Grindr description for the other man: mixed race, 20 years old, and a top (Gay lingo for the person penetrating).

Also the binary code does translate to an apostrophe, I'm glad someone catched that. Apostrophe's often show possession, which is the feeling this gay character was supposed to feel as a "bottom" (The receiver).

I must have accidentally deleted the word "first" out of the third line, which was the reason the grunt was forced. The first time for gay "bottoms" is actually very painful, and therefore most grunts of joy are forced. This is also the reason I included "socially acceptable," as this implies more uneasiness with sexuality and difficulty dealing with one's masculinity as a gay "bottom," the more feminine position in much of the world's minds.

Finally, there is supposed to be some sense that this encounter is mechanical, the narrator is very human, but the other man is inhuman. Sadly, this is the way the narrator is losing his virginity.

I probably should have made this more clear, does this solve some of your issues?

[Brownlie]

Thank you Brownlie and Tectak! I think there is a major flaw in my writing of this poem, the flaw being that the poem is written about two men having sex, and I'm not too sure that this was conveyed at all.

I tried to show the homosexuality through the words "yellow masquerade icon," which is the app display for Grindr, a hookup app for gay men, but this requires previous knowledge most people don't have, should I simply name Grindr?

This was also my reason behind the use of the word "latent," as many closeted men would hide the app in one of the folders on your iPhone. This was also the explanation for my decision not to include any blatant sexuality, as the character is intended to be closeted and therefore uncomfortable in many ways with said sexuality. The word "mixed, 20, top" is the Grindr description for the other man: mixed race, 20 years old, and a top (Gay lingo for the person penetrating).

Also the binary code does translate to an apostrophe, I'm glad someone catched that. Apostrophe's often show possession, which is the feeling this gay character was supposed to feel as a "bottom" (The receiver).

I must have accidentally deleted the word "first" out of the third line, which was the reason the grunt was forced. The first time for gay "bottoms" is actually very painful, and therefore most grunts of joy are forced. This is also the reason I included "socially acceptable," as this implies more uneasiness with sexuality and difficulty dealing with one's masculinity as a gay "bottom," the more feminine position in much of the world's minds.

Finally, there is supposed to be some sense that this encounter is mechanical, the narrator is very human, but the other man is inhuman. Sadly, this is the way the narrator is losing his virginity.

I probably should have made this more clear, does this solve some of your issues?

 
The first grunts for joy being forced is worth communicating clearly. 

[tectak]

Thank you Brownlie and Tectak! I think there is a major flaw in my writing of this poem, the flaw being that the poem is written about two men having sex, and I'm not too sure that this was conveyed at all.

I tried to show the homosexuality through the words "yellow masquerade icon," which is the app display for Grindr, a hookup app for gay men, but this requires previous knowledge most people don't have, should I simply name Grindr?

This was also my reason behind the use of the word "latent," as many closeted men would hide the app in one of the folders on your iPhone. This was also the explanation for my decision not to include any blatant sexuality, as the character is intended to be closeted and therefore uncomfortable in many ways with said sexuality. The word "mixed, 20, top" is the Grindr description for the other man: mixed race, 20 years old, and a top (Gay lingo for the person penetrating).

Also the binary code does translate to an apostrophe, I'm glad someone catched that. Apostrophe's often show possession, which is the feeling this gay character was supposed to feel as a "bottom" (The receiver).

I must have accidentally deleted the word "first" out of the third line, which was the reason the grunt was forced. The first time for gay "bottoms" is actually very painful, and therefore most grunts of joy are forced. This is also the reason I included "socially acceptable," as this implies more uneasiness with sexuality and difficulty dealing with one's masculinity as a gay "bottom," the more feminine position in much of the world's minds.

Finally, there is supposed to be some sense that this encounter is mechanical, the narrator is very human, but the other man is inhuman. Sadly, this is the way the narrator is losing his virginity.

I probably should have made this more clear, does this solve some of your issues?

 
The first grunts for joy being forced is worth communicating clearly. 

Hello,
your  explanatory enthusiasm makes the poem much weaker. There is far too much which you failed to  convey. With this degree of divergence from  clarity one could almost believe it was a new look at Mary had a Little Lamb.
I can get some vindication of my own thinking,  that  is  my observation that you write out of character  from the divulged subject matter, but would suggest that if you wish to write from experience in first person, then it is vital to avoid obscurity or "inside"  jargon otherwise you limit your audience to those who are titillated or stimulated by the sexual veracity . If, on the other hand, you wish to expand the knowledge of iron virgins you must write with clarity of purpose.
Best,
tectak

[ellajam]

Hi. I thought this was pretty clear but written without the excitement that I would think the experience would bring, the plain telling of a story, I think you can do better with it. Here are some notes.

He leaned over me, gaining leverage, showing his face:
mixed, 20, top.
I leaned into the bed, bracing and nervous for the first time.
Top showed this as man/man immediately but not having had a male homosexual encounter myself I am having difficulty imaging how he showed his face.

My eyes were caked-over meh, I don't know why.
as I pulled out my iPhone, clicking the yellow masquerade icon*,This is before the first three lines, why present tense?
latent, behind a folder.
His profile picture was touched-up. While I don't know the icon, profile pic said it.
I accepted, and he entered my address into his iPhone.
I told him my name was Chase, to shield me;
I also told him I was 18, to shield him. Love these two lines.

The screen was glossy.
His skin was cold. Maybe his eyes were cold? Or his skin bloodless? It's hard to apply this to a pic.
My hands were moist.

I had scrolled through a catalog of human faces, Now switch to correct tense, why try to confuse me?
and chosen the square photograph he had uploaded:
not a face, but a mechanical display of ones and zeros,
adjacent in an endless list without a pattern: 1 0 1 0 0 0 1 1 0. . .
This worked for me as I don't know binary, it shows anonymity and allows for the blatant one/zero line below.

He loomed over me.
I felt a metal rod puncture me.
I shivered in simultaneous success and pain.
Meh on these three lines, I feel nothing, do more than tell me.

I let out a forced grunt, lowering my voice to a socially accepted pitch.
I think you can lose forced by using "then lowered". I like this, the maintaining of appearences even during the act.

He continued, with his one in my zero,
intermittently sending out signals,
like a metal antenna,
mechanical, with no passionate rhythm.
Antennas receive, they don't emit.

*The display for Grindr, a gay hookup app for smartphones.

[tectak]

Hi. I thought this was pretty clear but written without the excitement that I would think the experience would bring, the plain telling of a story, I think you can do better with it. Here are some notes.

He leaned over me, gaining leverage, showing his face:
mixed, 20, top.
I leaned into the bed, bracing and nervous for the first time.
Top showed this as man/man immediately but not having had a male homosexual encounter myself I am having difficulty imaging how he showed his face.

My eyes were caked-over meh, I don't know why.
as I pulled out my iPhone, clicking the yellow masquerade icon*,This is before the first three lines, why present tense?
latent, behind a folder.
His profile picture was touched-up. While I don't know the icon, profile pic said it.
I accepted, and he entered my address into his iPhone.
I told him my name was Chase, to shield me;
I also told him I was 18, to shield him. Love these two lines.

The screen was glossy.
His skin was cold. Maybe his eyes were cold? Or his skin bloodless? It's hard to apply this to a pic.
My hands were moist.

I had scrolled through a catalog of human faces, Now switch to correct tense, why try to confuse me?
and chosen the square photograph he had uploaded:
not a face, but a mechanical display of ones and zeros,
adjacent in an endless list without a pattern: 1 0 1 0 0 0 1 1 0. . .
This worked for me as I don't know binary, it shows anonymity and allows for the blatant one/zero line below.

He loomed over me.
I felt a metal rod puncture me.
I shivered in simultaneous success and pain.
Meh on these three lines, I feel nothing, do more than tell me.

I let out a forced grunt, lowering my voice to a socially accepted pitch.
I think you can lose forced by using "then lowered". I like this, the maintaining of appearences even during the act.

He continued, with his one in my zero,
intermittently sending out signals,
like a metal antenna,
mechanical, with no passionate rhythm.
Antennas receive, they don't emit. They do,ella, they do...but it is called "transmit". Note to self... Fuck off tectak...stick to fungi!
Sorry, my mistake, I must have had emissions on my mind. -ella

*The display for Grindr, a gay hookup app for smartphones.

[tectak]

Thank you Brownlie and Tectak! I think there is a major flaw in my writing of this poem, the flaw being that the poem is written about two men having sex, and I'm not too sure that this was conveyed at all.

I tried to show the homosexuality through the words "yellow masquerade icon," which is the app display for Grindr, a hookup app for gay men, but this requires previous knowledge most people don't have, should I simply name Grindr?

This was also my reason behind the use of the word "latent," as many closeted men would hide the app in one of the folders on your iPhone. This was also the explanation for my decision not to include any blatant sexuality, as the character is intended to be closeted and therefore uncomfortable in many ways with said sexuality. The word "mixed, 20, top" is the Grindr description for the other man: mixed race, 20 years old, and a top (Gay lingo for the person penetrating).

Also the binary code does translate to an apostrophe, I'm glad someone catched that. Apostrophe's often show possession, which is the feeling this gay character was supposed to feel as a "bottom" (The receiver). £   chr(163)   10100011 or conversely, eight bit bullshit

I must have accidentally deleted the word "first" out of the third line, which was the reason the grunt was forced. The first time for gay "bottoms" is actually very painful, and therefore most grunts of joy are forced. This is also the reason I included "socially acceptable," as this implies more uneasiness with sexuality and difficulty dealing with one's masculinity as a gay "bottom," the more feminine position in much of the world's minds.

Finally, there is supposed to be some sense that this encounter is mechanical, the narrator is very human, but the other man is inhuman. Sadly, this is the way the narrator is losing his virginity.

I probably should have made this more clear, does this solve some of your issues?

[billy]

i read your reply as to what the poem was about and it's obvious it's about taking it up the shitter. don't spoil the moment by telling us with an asterisk. instead show us an image of your swinging balls as he ruptures your sphincter. (excuse my crudeness) 
in general the poem feels weak. the first one and zero line worked well enough and that's where the 1 and 0 should have ended. work off it by all means but use different language, binary could be used in some subtle or not so subtle way.

He leaned over me, gaining leverage, showing his face:
mixed, 20, top. i've no idea what this means
I leaned into the bed, bracing and nervous for the first time. for me braced would get rid of an ing word and be tighter. but the best line so far. it's reasonable image of anticipation. not keen on the 2nd lean within 3 lines
My eyes were caked-over can this line be better phrased, it feels very wordy.
as I pulled out my iPhone, clicking the yellow masquerade icon*, again it feels a bit wordy [as i clicked the masquerade icon on the iphone] whose iphone would it be but yours?
latent, behind a folder.
His profile picture was touched-up.
I accepted, and he entered my address into his iPhone.
I told him my name was Chase, to shield me;
I also told him I was 18, to shield him. both lines feel weak in the telling
The screen was glossy.
His skin was cold.
My hands were moist. i like the tightness of this stanza, it's to the point and gives the reader something to imagine.
I had scrolled through a catalog of human faces,
and chosen the square photograph he had uploaded:
not a face, but a mechanical display of ones and zeros,
adjacent in an endless list without a pattern: 1 0 1 0 0 0 1 1 0. . . the ones and zero line was enough though i think moder computers work on a different base that 1 and 0 now. apart from the one's and zero line this stanza also feels weak
He loomed over me. as well as leaning he loomed?
I felt a metal rod puncture me. now i'm confused. is it a robot or cyber? or are you using something to enhance the session into your own reality?
I shivered in simultaneous success and pain. no need really for simultaneous as it weakens the moment, a suggestion would be [on entry]
I let out a forced grunt, lowering my voice to a socially accepted pitch. was there someone else there?

He continued, with his one in my zero, to obvious. a suggestion would be something along the lines of his one in my puckered zero, make it classy
intermittently sending out signals,
like a metal antenna,
mechanical, with no passionate rhythm.
*The display for Grindr, a gay hookup app for smartphones.

[Leah S.]

He leaned over me, gaining leverage, showing his face:
mixed, 20, top.
I leaned into the bed, bracing and nervous for the first time.

My eyes were caked-over
as I pulled out my iPhone, clicking the yellow masquerade icon*,
latent, behind a folder.
His profile picture was touched-up.
I accepted, and he entered my address into his iPhone.
I told him my name was Chase, to shield me;
I also told him I was 18, to shield him.

The screen was glossy.
His skin was cold.
My hands were moist.

I had scrolled through a catalog of human faces,
and chosen the square photograph he had uploaded:
not a face, but a mechanical display of ones and zeros,
adjacent in an endless list without a pattern: 1 0 1 0 0 0 1 1 0. . .

He loomed over me.
I felt a metal rod puncture me.
I shivered in simultaneous success and pain.

I let out a forced grunt, lowering my voice to a socially accepted pitch.

He continued, with his one in my zero,
intermittently sending out signals,
like a metal antenna,
mechanical, with no passionate rhythm.

*The display for Grindr, a gay hookup app for smartphones.

I got lost in the jargon. On first read (without benefit of the explanations in the comments) I could not make any sense of it. It was obvious it was a sexual event, but I originally read it that the narrator was pulling out his iPhone and scrolling through the dating site at the same time (s)he was being penetrated. I think the poem is all mixed up, and the nascent metaphor of ones and zeros (as in a computer) doesn't go anywhere or shed any light on what the poem is supposed to be about. May I suggest that you go back and review what you intend the theme of the poem to be. I see at least two: A first, nervous and tentative, sexual experience that turned out to be disappointing; or an unemotional, purely convenient, digitally arranged rendezvous between two thrill seekers. If the first, you need to get the reader to empathize; if the second, you need to make the reader feel the vicarious thrill. Carry on. Leah.