Humpback Anthem-Edit 1

[onepapa]

Humpback Anthem Edit 1

My heart thunders to the rhythm of the pod's chant,
ringing across the abyss,
calling me to the birthing place.
Calling me home.

Fat and ripe and strong,
I left the icy krill waters,
crossed the perilous deep
and found again the warm blue reefs.

I sound into the depths,
the dark pushing against me,
turn and hurl upward through the sea,
soaring into the light, flightless wings askew.

I roll and blow and flail my flukes,
quivering with delight,
from the caress of sun upon my skin
and nuzzle of new life.

For now we sing to winter's sun.
Soon enough the hunger will wake,
calling us back to the feeding place.
Calling us home.



Thanks to all who commented on the first draft. onepapa





First draft of Humpback Anthem

My heart thunders to the rhythm of the pod's chant,
echoing across the abyss,
calling us to the birthing place.
Calling us home.

Fat and strong and ripe with life,
I left the icy krill waters,
crossed the terrible dark deep
and found again the warm blue reefs.

I sound into the depths,
turn and hurl upward through the sea,
soaring into the light, my blood ablaze,
flightless wings askew.

I roll and blow and flail my flukes,
quivering with delight,
from the caress of sun upon my skin
And the nuzzle of new life.

For now we sing the winter sun.
Soon enough, the hunger will wake.
Calling us back to the feeding place.
Calling us home.

[just mercedes]

Your poem has moved to Serious Workshopping, great!, so I'd like to add a few words:

My heart thunders to the rhythm of the pod's chant,
echoing across the abyss,
calling us to the birthing place.
Calling us home. Something about the 'me' and 'us' so quickly transposed that bothers me, especially as the next strophe is first person singular POV again. I wondered if you could have this first one calling 'me', so the trip to the birthing place is also birth of group identity, and then use calling 'us'.

Fat and strong and ripe with life, Don't think you need this comma. You've moved into past tense
I left the icy krill waters, two adjectives
crossed the terrible dark deep two adjectives
and found again the warm blue reefs. two adjectives - the cumulative effect isn't great

I sound into the depths, and back into present. is there are reason I'm missing?
turn and hurl upward through the sea,
soaring into the light, my blood ablaze, can you lose one of the 'the's?
flightless wings askew.

I roll and blow and flail my flukes, this made me smile
quivering with delight, don't think you need this comma
from the caress of sun upon my skin
And the nuzzle of new life. capital A not needed

For now we sing the winter sun.
Soon enough, the hunger will wake.
Calling us back to the feeding place. Again, I feel there's one too many 'the's.
Calling us home. I think breaking into fragments instead of using sentences makes the ending of your poem more choppy than it could be. I like the anaphora - adds to the mystical feeling of your poem.

I like this! Can feel the tugs of seasons, respond to the cycle of life with the whales. Some little quibbles with eg using caps, also minor punctuation choices, and over-abundant adjectives in the 2nd stanza but all-in-all a good strong poem, imagist, carrying emotion but not rolling in it. Thanks for posting.

[onepapa]

Your poem has moved to Serious Workshopping, great!, so I'd like to add a few words:

My heart thunders to the rhythm of the pod's chant,
echoing across the abyss,
calling us to the birthing place.
Calling us home. Something about the 'me' and 'us' so quickly transposed that bothers me, especially as the next strophe is first person singular POV again. I wondered if you could have this first one calling 'me', so the trip to the birthing place is also birth of group identity, and then use calling 'us'.

Fat and strong and ripe with life, Don't think you need this comma. You've moved into past tense
I left the icy krill waters, two adjectives
crossed the terrible dark deep two adjectives
and found again the warm blue reefs. two adjectives - the cumulative effect isn't great

I sound into the depths, and back into present. is there are reason I'm missing?
turn and hurl upward through the sea,
soaring into the light, my blood ablaze, can you lose one of the 'the's?
flightless wings askew.

I roll and blow and flail my flukes, this made me smile
quivering with delight, don't think you need this comma
from the caress of sun upon my skin
And the nuzzle of new life. capital A not needed

For now we sing the winter sun.
Soon enough, the hunger will wake.
Calling us back to the feeding place. Again, I feel there's one too many 'the's.
Calling us home. I think breaking into fragments instead of using sentences makes the ending of your poem more choppy than it could be. I like the anaphora - adds to the mystical feeling of your poem.

I like this! Can feel the tugs of seasons, respond to the cycle of life with the whales. Some little quibbles with eg using caps, also minor punctuation choices, and over-abundant adjectives in the 2nd stanza but all-in-all a good strong poem, imagist, carrying emotion but not rolling in it. Thanks for posting.

Mercedes,

This is very helpful and I appreciate the extra effort pointing out exactly what issues you see with this poem. Thank you.

onepapa

[monmac]

Onepapa
What a lovely beautiful poem effort
I have seen humpbacks in the wild and many tv programmes about them and this poem does very well to capture their travels and beauty.
It is broken into nice level of verses but there is a mix if me and us ans so this should be adjusted.
I am not sure on line 17 meaning?
The meter is not bad to me. Whether or not you gave specific thought to it

My heart thunders to the rhythm of the pod's chant,
echoing across the abyss,
calling us to the birthing place.
Calling us home.


Fat and strong and ripe with life,
I left the icy krill waters,
crossed the terrible dark deep
and found again the warm blue reefs.

I sound into the depths,
turn and hurl upward through the sea,
soaring into the light, my blood ablaze,
flightless wings askew.

I roll and blow and flail my flukes,
quivering with delight,
from the caress of sun upon my skin
And the nuzzle of new life.

For now we sing the winter sun.
Soon enough, the hunger will wake.
Calling us back to the feeding place.
Calling us home.

[tectak]

My heart thunders to the rhythm of the pod's chant,
echoing across the abyss, You may want to consider this. Technically, echoes need something which an abyss is short on....namely something to echo off
calling us to the birthing place.
Calling us home.

Fat and strong and ripe with life,
I left the icy krill waters,
crossed the terrible dark deep
and found again the warm blue reefs.

I sound into the depths,
turn and hurl upward through the sea,
soaring into the light, my blood ablaze,
flightless wings askew. Not a perfect image, but it DOES impact upon the cerebral retina. I think it is just that word "askew" that seems well, wrong. Too many little inaccuracies add up. "blood ablaze" does  not help when so close.

I roll and blow and flail my flukes,
quivering with delight,
from the caress of sun upon my skin
And the nuzzle of new life. Be carefull....you almost rhymed. What a shrink would say is that this is a suppressed desire to so do....what I would say is that this last line is forced....for the sake of a non-essential non rhyme.

For now we sing the winter sun. to the winter sun. Your meter is not running so why not?
Soon enough, the hunger will wake. comma superfluous where it is so move it to line end. Better?
Calling us back to the feeding place.
Calling us home.

Hi onepapa,
I am loathe to say anything negative about this piece..not because it is perfect but because it is perfectly acceptable as it is.
Any comments, then, are offerings. First, see in text.

The main issue is that of tense. You are back and forward like a pendulum. Needs looking at.
Next is over-modification. You have dispensed with meter. Fine. You do not rhyme. Fine. But casting off these two straight-jackets is no reason to re-shackle yourself with poetic desire. If  nouns are twice dressed the reader sees the bodice but not the body beneath.
One thing, notwithstanding the afforementioned...I noted that you have not got in to the habit of capitalising every line... please, please do not. I see a slip on an "And". It serves no purpose except to expose the writer as faux-poetic...worse, even when not. The irritating tendency died of natural causes five decades or more ago. It was never a good idea.
The move to Serious was moot. A very worthy effort.
Well done all,
Best,
tectak

[onepapa]

tectak,

Thanks for the useful and thoughtful critique. The shift in tense is definitely a problem and I am in the process of fixing that one... an easy fix and I just missed it. And yes, I simply goofed when typing and had a capital where none is needed... thanks for pointing it out. Your comments in the text are also very helpful and I will work on this in redraft. I agree that I have too many adjectives...I got a little carried away. Thanks again. Very helpful.

onepapa

---

Onepapa
What a lovely beautiful poem effort
I have seen humpbacks in the wild and many tv programmes about them and this poem does very well to capture their travels and beauty.
It is broken into nice level of verses but there is a mix if me and us ans so this should be adjusted.
I am not sure on line 17 meaning?
The meter is not bad to me. Whether or not you gave specific thought to it

My heart thunders to the rhythm of the pod's chant,
echoing across the abyss,
calling us to the birthing place.
Calling us home.


Fat and strong and ripe with life,
I left the icy krill waters,
crossed the terrible dark deep
and found again the warm blue reefs.

I sound into the depths,
turn and hurl upward through the sea,
soaring into the light, my blood ablaze,
flightless wings askew.

I roll and blow and flail my flukes,
quivering with delight,
from the caress of sun upon my skin
And the nuzzle of new life.

For now we sing the winter sun.
Soon enough, the hunger will wake.
Calling us back to the feeding place.
Calling us home.

monmac,

You are very right about the tense changes in this poem. They need to be fixed and I am working on it now. I was trying to talk about the mother whale in one area and to talk about the mother and the baby in another so I need some mix of tense in the progression of the strophe but I goofed it up.

Thanks also for the interesting comment on the meter. I was more worried about the sonic effects when read aloud and let the meter go where it wanted while specifically working in the alliteration, assonance and simple consonant repetitions.

Line 17 was supposed to be a referral to the whales singing in joy over the birth of the young and the simple pleasure of the warm water. A fix is needed there too plus I have too many "the"s in that strophe.

Thanks for taking the time to make useful comments.

onepapa

[tectak]

tectak,

Thanks for the useful and thoughtful critique.  The shift in tense is definitely a problem and I am in the process of fixing that one... an easy fix and I just missed it.  And yes, I simply goofed when typing and had a capital where none is needed... thanks for pointing it out.  Your comments in the text are also very helpful and I will work on this in redraft.  I agree that I have too many adjectives...I got a little carried away.  Thanks again.  Very helpful.

onepapa

---

Onepapa
What a lovely beautiful poem effort
I have seen humpbacks in the wild and many tv programmes about them and this poem does very well to capture their travels and beauty.
It is broken into nice level of verses but there is a mix if me and us ans so this should be adjusted.
I am not sure on line 17 meaning?
The meter is not bad to me. Whether or not you gave specific thought to it

My heart thunders to the rhythm of the pod's chant,
echoing across the abyss,
calling us to the birthing place.
Calling us home.


Fat and strong and ripe with life,
I left the icy krill waters,
crossed the terrible dark deep
and found again the warm blue reefs.

I sound into the depths,
turn and hurl upward through the sea,
soaring into the light, my blood ablaze,
flightless wings askew.

I roll and blow and flail my flukes,
quivering with delight,
from the caress of sun upon my skin
And the nuzzle of new life.

For now we sing the winter sun.
Soon enough, the hunger will wake.
Calling us back to the feeding place.
Calling us home.

monmac,

You are very right about the tense changes in this poem.  They need to be fixed and I am working on it now.  I was trying to talk about the mother whale in one area and to talk about the mother and the baby in another so I need some mix of tense in the progression of the strophe but I goofed it up.

Thanks also for the interesting comment on the meter.  I was more worried about the sonic effects when read aloud and let the meter go where it wanted while specifically working in the alliteration, assonance and simple consonant repetitions.

Line 17 was supposed to be a referral to the whales singing in joy over the birth of the young and the simple pleasure of the warm water.  A fix is needed there too plus I have too many "the"s in that strophe.

Thanks for taking the time to make useful comments.

onepapa

Good egg,
tectak

[Leah S.]

My heart thunders to the rhythm of the pod's chant,
echoing across the abyss, maybe 'through' rather than 'across'?
calling us to the birthing place.
Calling us home.
Fat and strong and ripe with life, I think 'with life' is a little weak and cliché-ish, I thought you might lose it altogether? "Fat and strong and ripe, I left...."
I left the icy krill waters,
crossed the terrible dark deep I went to my trusty thesaurus for other words for 'terrible' but I was disappointed. I also don't think whales would think the abyss was terrible at all.
and found again the warm blue reefs.
I sound into the depths,needs a stronger transition, so the descent has a real tension compared to the joyful ascent. I think you need at least one more line describing the downward trip.
turn and hurl upward through the sea,
soaring into the light, my blood ablaze, sorry, 'blood ablaze' is even more cliché-ish.
flightless wings askew. I like 'askew' here, it brought a vivid and active picture to mind, and I have seen exactly those happy crooked flippers on NatGeo.
I roll and blow and flail my flukes,
quivering with delight,
from the caress of sun upon my skin
And the nuzzle of new life.
For now we sing the winter sun. sing to?
Soon enough, the hunger will wake.
Calling us back to the feeding place.
Calling us home.

[onepapa]

My heart thunders to the rhythm of the pod's chant,
echoing across the abyss, maybe 'through' rather than 'across'?
calling us to the birthing place.
Calling us home.
Fat and strong and ripe with life, I think 'with life' is a little weak and cliché-ish, I thought you might lose it altogether? "Fat and strong and ripe, I left...."
I left the icy krill waters,
crossed the terrible dark deep I went to my trusty thesaurus for other words for 'terrible' but I was disappointed. I also don't think whales would think the abyss was terrible at all.
and found again the warm blue reefs.
I sound into the depths,needs a stronger transition, so the descent has a real tension compared to the joyful ascent. I think you need at least one more line describing the downward trip.
turn and hurl upward through the sea,
soaring into the light, my blood ablaze, sorry, 'blood ablaze' is even more cliché-ish.
flightless wings askew. I like 'askew' here, it brought a vivid and active picture to mind, and I have seen exactly those happy crooked flippers on NatGeo.
I roll and blow and flail my flukes,
quivering with delight,
from the caress of sun upon my skin
And the nuzzle of new life.
For now we sing the winter sun. sing to?
Soon enough, the hunger will wake.
Calling us back to the feeding place.
Calling us home.

Leah,

Excellent comments! Thank you for taking the time to critique this for me. You have given me several things to carefully think about and that is exactly what I needed. I used "across the abyss" to get the sssss going but "through" is a lot better word choice so now I have to choose between syntax and sonics or maybe even come up with something better.... which is why this is so much fun. I used "terrible" as that is the long journey where the whales are vulnerable in unregulated waters but I was having a problem with this anyway as I have too many adjectives working in this strophe. More work to do. Such fun.

Thanks

onepapa

[Leah S.]

My heart thunders to the rhythm of the pod's chant,
echoing across the abyss, maybe 'through' rather than 'across'?
calling us to the birthing place.
Calling us home.
Fat and strong and ripe with life, I think 'with life' is a little weak and cliché-ish, I thought you might lose it altogether? "Fat and strong and ripe, I left...."
I left the icy krill waters,
crossed the terrible dark deep I went to my trusty thesaurus for other words for 'terrible' but I was disappointed. I also don't think whales would think the abyss was terrible at all.
and found again the warm blue reefs.
I sound into the depths,needs a stronger transition, so the descent has a real tension compared to the joyful ascent. I think you need at least one more line describing the downward trip.
turn and hurl upward through the sea,
soaring into the light, my blood ablaze, sorry, 'blood ablaze' is even more cliché-ish.
flightless wings askew. I like 'askew' here, it brought a vivid and active picture to mind, and I have seen exactly those happy crooked flippers on NatGeo.
I roll and blow and flail my flukes,
quivering with delight,
from the caress of sun upon my skin
And the nuzzle of new life.
For now we sing the winter sun. sing to?
Soon enough, the hunger will wake.
Calling us back to the feeding place.
Calling us home.

Leah,

Excellent comments!  Thank you for taking the time to critique this for me.  You have given me several things to carefully think about and that is exactly what I needed.  I used "across the abyss" to get the sssss going but "through" is a lot better word choice so now I have to choose between syntax and sonics or maybe even come up with something better.... which is why this is so much fun.  I used "terrible" as that is the long journey where the whales are vulnerable in unregulated waters but I was having a problem with this anyway as I have too many adjectives working in this strophe.  More work to do.  Such fun.

Thanks

onepapa

Looking forward to edit.

[onepapa]

Dear mercedes, monmac, tectak, and Leah

Thanks to all of you for the thoughtful and civil critiques of my poem. I have just begun the process of learning how to write poetry and have been on several workshop sites over the past few months. The quality of the critiques from all of you is, by far, the best I have received. I will try to keep up your standards and will try to be a solid contributor to The Pig Pen (love that name). Thank you.

onepapa

[just mercedes]

Welcome - I look forward to working with you! We do silly as well as serious, but it's best to let you find those parts of the site yourself. It's good to find someone new who's open to critique. All the best.