< homeland >

[rayheinrich]

               


                                                                    < homeland >

                                                           she spoke of her homeland
                                                           an archipelago of chocolate islands
                                                           in a sweet blue sea
                                                           and of how the lips of the sun
                                                           would kiss her as she fished
                                                           and of the colors
                                                           the countless colors between sky and bone
                                                           and how she'd watch
                                                           as the night
                                                           hid them away
                                                           and of her sister and the tortoise
                                                           and her mother's stories
                                                           that sometimes stretched 'til morning
                                                           and of her father lost at sea
                                                           and how each year
                                                           her mother knew
                                                           the very morning
                                                           the first albatross would come
                                                           and how she'd stare
                                                           at the shimmer just above the sea
                                                           until it turned to crescent six foot wings
                                                           
                                                                            - - -

[Tiger the Lion]

Really enjoyed this one Ray. My only issue is the occurrences of the word "and". I'm not sure how intentional it was, but I think you could omit or replace some of them even without the use of commas. (I like that you forgo punctuation in the piece, so that's not the route I mean).
Thanks for sharing,
Paul

[just mercedes]

I enjoyed this too. Line 5 a bit confused - kiss the islands? the islands went fishing? I agree with the comment about 'and'.
Thanks for posting!

[rayheinrich]

I enjoyed this too. Line 5 a bit confused - kiss the islands? the islands went fishing? ...

Oops, yes. This is your fault for not reading my confused mind.
The information was all there, I just forgot to put it on the
paper.

Have corrected it, thanks for pointing it out.
From: "would kiss them as they fished"
To: "would kiss her as she fished"

... I agree with the comment about 'and'.

See below.

Really enjoyed this one Ray. My only issue is the occurrences of the word "and". I'm not sure how intentional it was, but I think you could omit or replace some of them even without the use of commas. (I like that you forgo punctuation in the piece, so that's not the route I mean).
Thanks for sharing,
Paul

It was intentional, I've been doing things like that using 'a', 'or',
'the', 'but', etc. for years. You'll find it in many of my poems.
I like the rhythm the repetition lends and I like the enjambment
and I think it more resembles the way people actually talk:

Where are you going today?

"Library grocery store hardware store"

"To the Library and then the grocery store and then the hardware store."

The problem, of course, is many people don't like it; it's a bit jarring
and it interrupts their reading of the poem.

It's a choice I made years ago and it was probably wrong but
at least it's my wrong.  

*Example:

From the first half of my poem  < the paper wasps > :

       
                                                   the paper wasps
                                                   build their nest out      
                                                   from the white boards under
                                                   the eaves of our house

                                                   right above the kitchen door
   
                                                   and i see them each day      
                                                   and every day      
                                                           as i walk the dog  
                                                           as i take out the trash      
                                                           as i let out the cats      
                                                           as i let in the cats    
                                                           as i let out the cats
                                                   and my neighbors    
                                                   and friends      
                                                   and the people who would sell me god
                                                   and all the rest of life that passes through
                                                     
                                                   they've never stung us

                                                                etc. ...

[Erthona]

Ray I think your short abrupt lines can be effective in some instances. In this poem, not so much as it does not fit the tone of the story, nor probably the speech of the people in the story. People in warmer climates tend to have slower speech and take longer to say things, were as people in the North or in large cities have shorter patterns. In the warmer climates people are not in a rush because they do not wish to become overheated; in cooler climates and in big cities they are more in a rush either because it is a business climate - time is money - or they just want to get out of the cold. So for me personally the short choppy lines do not fit the environment. I have used this same technique myself many times, but I do not think it is appropriate for all situations. It could be your "thing" to use King James English in everything you write, but as I think you can see it would not really work to do so all the time. except for metaphor I don't see any literary technique to be something one would use all the time without regard to the content.
I do like the story and wouldn't mind seeing it expanded. As "albatross" has specific connotation in English literature and especially poetry, it would be nice to see that theme expanded on. Also, as the environment is unique, it would be nice to see that explored a little more.

Just my thoughts
nothing solid
tangible
or otherwise

Dale  

[Brownlie]

My inkling is to like this and I like the package with a picture. Two issues may be the "ands" that have been pointed out and the repetition of colors. The colors thing may be an idiosyncratic quirk in my taste though. The sort of repetition leads to a sort of rhetorical profundity, but I think it may sap meaning from the poem (or something like that anyway). Thanks for posting.

[rayheinrich]

Ray I think your short abrupt lines can be effective in some instances. In this poem, not so much as it does not fit the tone of the story, nor probably the speech of the people in the story. People in warmer climates tend to have slower speech and take longer to say things, were as people in the North or in large cities have shorter patterns.

She was telling this to the writer(me), a creature of cooler climbs.

I have used this same technique myself many times, but I do not think it is appropriate for all situations. It could be your "thing" to use King James English in everything you write, but as I think you can see it would not really work to do so all the time. except for metaphor I don't see any literary technique to be something one would use all the time without regard to the content.

It's not a technique so much as it's how I view the world. While it's certainly not appropriate for all
situations, my situation leads me to pick situations that seem (drugs may be involved) to situate
themselves thusly.

I do like the story and wouldn't mind seeing it expanded.

This IS the expanded version; my first draft was nine lines.

...and As "albatross" has specific connotation in English literature and especially poetry, it would be nice to see that theme expanded on.

Sometimes an albatross is just an albatross.
Though she (the person I spoke with in a Vancover coffe shop) had her own albatross metaphor which
probably predated not only English literature but English by a few thousand years or so.

Also, as the environment is unique, it would be nice to see that explored a little more.

The second draft was thirteen lines; but, as you stated, it did require expansion so I added eight more lines.


Ha, well, that was fun, but seriously, the poem is just my romanticized image of what a Vancouver coffee-shop
waitress told me about where she came from. Its first level of meaning is the only one it thinks it has.

---

My inkling is to like this and I like the package with a picture. Two issues may be the "ands" that have been pointed out and the repetition of colors. The colors thing may be an idiosyncratic quirk in my taste though. The sort of repetition leads to a sort of rhetorical profundity, but I think it may sap meaning from the poem (or something like that anyway). Thanks for posting.

I see what you're saying about colors. Rhythm and rhetoric make for dreadful bedfellows.

And yes, if it weren't for our tasty idiosyncratic quirks, we'd all starve.

Much thanks for commenting as, considering my paltry number of comments,
I really don't deserve it.