A Twisted Proposal (Work in Progress)

[pmmurphy]

Lathered of goodness like chocolate mint candy
tasted like the girl scout I am inside.
The thin mint of destruction forever tempting me
I ask you to take this in reside and know that it is now.
The pearl of disaster, a forever bond
the moment that i let you know i wish to end my life
i wish to end things that are just not right.
I want to be with you and only you i will decide that this is now
my career, my plans, my job, nothing is to be of desire.
Your eminence in beauty is what truly brings me around.
I know that this is supposed to be a wonderful day,
but I am prepared to understand that things may often take discourse.
I am content to believe that our bond will guide us
through thick and thin, as I plot my forever guided mind.
Let the one above embrace our bond as we bring things to matrimony.

Let the world know that as of now
I understand some things will let go
I understand to be fruitful to you
I understand it is you and not me that comes first.
Even the one i deem most precious shall be second.
Money is no object life is but mere turmoil decisions
wrapped around a vast blanket of deserted reigns.
I know that my past is my past and my present is you.
Now i have to reckon that my time is to tell you
my adorations are in such vast numbers that i wish to sail
the seas of admiration to find Poseiden himself and tell him
that things are perfect.
Now i ask for you to be my tainted vixen in this cruel life
and forever stain my future with such grace as this.

[ellajam]

Hi, pm, welcome to The Pig Pen. Starting off with chocolate mint enticed me, but I have a few issues with the language of the poem that I will try to explain. I read your critiques and they are well written, yet here I'm finding sentence fragments and words that I just can't make sense of in the context you are using them in. I am confused. I'll take the first four lines:

Lathered of goodness like chocolate mint candy Lathered of goodness makes no sense to me, chocolate mint is yummy.
tasted like the girl scout I am inside. I am unsure what tasted like..., girl scout inside is good.
The thin mint of destruction forever tempting me I have difficulty seeing a thin mint as destruction.
I ask you to take this in reside and know that it is now. I have no idea what "take this in reside" means, or what is now.
The pearl of disaster, a forever bond
the moment that i let you know i wish to end my life
i wish to end things that are just not right.
I want to be with you and only you i will decide that this is now
my career, my plans, my job, nothing is to be of desire.
Your eminence in beauty is what truly brings me around.
I know that this is supposed to be a wonderful day,
but I am prepared to understand that things may often take discourse.
I am content to believe that our bond will guide us
through thick and thin, as I plot my forever guided mind.
Let the one above embrace our bond as we bring things to matrimony.

Let the world know that as of now
I understand some things will let go
I understand to be fruitful to you
I understand it is you and not me that comes first.
Even the one i deem most precious shall be second.
Money is no object life is but mere turmoil decisions
wrapped around a vast blanket of deserted reigns.
I know that my past is my past and my present is you.
Now i have to reckon that my time is to tell you
my adorations are in such vast numbers that i wish to sail
the seas of admiration to find Poseiden himself and tell him
that things are perfect.
Now i ask for you to be my tainted vixen in this cruel life
and forever stain my future with such grace as this.

I'm also unsure about the jump from suicide to matrimony. I also don't understand why some of the I s are lowercase. If you need some more arrows as to what seems to make no sense let me know, but I think this gives you an idea of the trouble I'm having. I'll keep reading it hoping something clicks, but so far I haven't had any luck piecing it together.

Good luck with it and I hope you enjoy the site.

[pmmurphy]

I have an idea, ill explain my words (i normally don't because it takes away from the point of my writing) but I just kind of like writing my poetry the way I do. It's how I think and flow when it comes to writing and this (in particular) piece is a more experimental one with some rich word usage.

Lathered of goodness like chocolate mint candy

(this line is supposed to begin the chocolate mint metaphor of the one i am proposing to and compare them to a sweet chocolate mint)

tasted like the girl scout I am inside.

(this line is the beginning of showing my lust to this chocolate treat as i (taste it) and i compare myself to a girl scout to kinda go along with the chocolate mint theme it also fits my personality if you knew me.)

The thin mint of destruction forever tempting me

(The thin mint of destruction is my way of saying and continuing my metahpor that taking a bite of this lust is destroying me how its treachorous and toxic)


I ask you to take this in reside and know that it is now.

(this line is alittle abstract, take this in reside is supposed to be me saying take this with a grain of salt. I am kinda confused with the that it is now part too now but i think i was going with that i still love this person in the present moment. Atleast its supposed to represent that.)

The pearl of disaster, a forever bond\

(this is more bringing in the relationship and how its detrimental and not so easy-going perfect smerfect)

the moment that i let you know i wish to end my life

(this is not supposed to speak of suicide, but i see where you can confuse that! It is supposed to show unforgiving unrelenting love)

i wish to end things that are just not right.

(this is supposed to say I want to fix all ailments and become a better man (nothing suicidal here))

I want to be with you and only you i will decide that this is now

(This line has some added filler in the end (i will remove) i think its just there to sound fluffy)

my career, my plans, my job, nothing is to be of desire.

(starts to bring in the self sacrifice notion to kinda solidify why i said i wanted to end my life)


Your eminence in beauty is what truly brings me around.

(sweet talk, or more like a random cliche (i might remove this line entirely))

I know that this is supposed to be a wonderful day,

(I bring this in because i want to emphasize that It is indeed a positive topic)

but I am prepared to understand that things may often take discourse.

(Things are never perfect)

I am content to believe that our bond will guide us

(Love will forever show us the way)

through thick and thin, as I plot my forever guided mind.

(addicted)

Let the one above embrace our bond as we bring things to matrimony.

(the beginning of my proposal)

Let the world know that as of now

(out loud procalmation)

I understand some things will let go
I understand to be fruitful to you
I understand it is you and not me that comes first.

(some more cliche things, just kinda building tone here)

Even the one i deem most precious shall be second.
Money is no object life is but mere turmoil decisions
wrapped around a vast blanket of deserted reigns.

(I actually like this thought right here that came to my mind. Life is but mere turmoil decisions wrapped around a vast blanket of deserted reigns. What i was going for here is a comparison that life is where people make the decisions based on rough times and needs and now. Then due to the rough times and the needs and now they often leave the main focus and change passions or careers or whatever was entitled to them)

I know that my past is my past and my present is you.
Now i have to reckon that my time is to tell you
my adorations are in such vast numbers that i wish to sail
the seas of admiration to find Poseiden himself and tell him
that things are perfect.

(I think this is kinda cliche but it felt like it matched the tone i was going for, something highly dramatic.)

Now i ask for you to be my tainted vixen in this cruel life
and forever stain my future with such grace as this.

(since i talked about my past and my present, I ended it with a reference to future. The future being this persons amazing personality and grace and forever bond.)

Basically the poem is just a really really weird wedding proposal, i was supposed to write a wedding proposal and this is just kinda the stuff that came outta my mind for the topic. I see some interesting things in here but its not really connected with each other.

As for the typing mistakes like not all the i's being capitilized i will fix that stuff when im ready to say its done. I am currently at the phase where im stuck on what to do next in content. I want to reword things and refine my wordy usage and writing in this poem but i need fresh eyes to sit down and tell me what they think. So I am hoping this site (and some friends) can help me with that.



I hope my explanation of this writing was helpful and useful to anyone who reads it and might help them to understand what i was going for. Maybe we can figure out the kinks and really get this to come alive.

[Norimeknowreason]

I have to agree with ella, I too had a hard time following. It had flow issues for me. I 'm just not sure where you are going with this. Your explanation help somewhat, but I think you shouldn't have to explain to the reader, they should know, or have a feeling. I mean it has great lines and lots of pretty words, but I feel like this is 2 different poems put together, or it could be.. IMHO it left me somewhat confused. First you talk about it being goodness, and your a girlscout (innocent?) and then you say it's a destruction. a disaster. After I read it, without explanation, I wasn't sure if they're getting married or if someone was committing murder/ or double suicide. Now I must say you have some great lines that IMHO are beautiful.
my adorations are in such vast numbers that i wish to sail
the seas of admiration to find Poseiden himself and tell him
that things are perfect.
These are only my novice critiques. I am sure if you read it to me, the light bulb would go off. Sometimes I've had people read mine and say these words don't rhyme and I will tell them to go back and read it with a southern drawl. Thanks for sharing and I could see this being a real nice piece.

[pmmurphy]

I explained it because its a very very beginning of a rough draft. Thanks for the critique i am aware this poem is very rough ragged and bad. I just want to spark some inspiration to help it come to life.

[ellajam]

Sorry, I must have not been clear in my post, I wasn't asking for an explanation. I agree with you, if you have to explain the poem it has not successfully communicated.

I did read what you wrote about the four lines I critiqued. This line:

I ask you to take this in reside and know that it is now.

(this line is a little abstract, take this in reside is supposed to be me saying take this with a grain of salt. I am kinda confused with the that it is now part too now but i think i was going with that i still love this person in the present moment. At least its supposed to represent that.)

I have no idea how I am supposed to get Take it lightly from Take this in reside. As for the second part,t his has happened to me. If even I am not sure what I am saying how is the reader supposed to get even a clue?
Using words in ways unrelated to their actual definition rarely, if ever, works.

If you responded as to why some I s are lowercase I missed it.

My suggestion to you is to go over your explanation and decide whether or not each line has the capability of expressing that thought to the reader. In my case, the bits I understand are overpowered by what I can't make sense of.