Posts: 489
Threads: 182
Joined: Jan 2013
There was a path at grandma’s camp
that lead down to the lake.
In the morning, when the sun was out,
the dew used to wet my feet as I picked blueberries
and gathered kindling.
In the afternoon, on summer weekends,
the dog and I would wrestle over a stick in the mud
while the grown-ups played cards on the dock.
In the evening, when the sky was clear
and the sauna was hot, the moon would shine
as we ran down the path to jump in the lake.
Posts: 1,827
Threads: 305
Joined: Dec 2016
This poem starts out with a line of iambic tetrameter followed by a line of iambic trimeter. "lead" should be "led."
After the first two lines it is difficult to move into the non-meter lines of the last nine lines. Stanzas 2,3,4 act a vignettes demonstrating the passage of time.
Possibility: "In the morning, when the sun was out,
the dew used to wet my feet as I picked blueberries"
remove from L2 "used to" so it reads "the dew wet my feet as I picked blueberries." This I think helps regularize the tense.
S3 L1 Could probably do away with the commas.
S4 L1 Could do without the comma after "evening."
Nice to see you around WJ.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
I like the imagery and the sentences are well constructed, but it seems like the syllabic count per line is really irregular, which throws it off for me. I think it would be more effective if it had greater internal symmetry, because the first line of Iambic Tetrameter sets the pace for the rest of the poem. I think irregularity is a good tool, but perhaps it should be used during a subject change. This is just my opinion.
Posts: 443
Threads: 99
Joined: Sep 2013
(01-18-2015, 06:44 AM)Wjames Wrote: There was a path at grandma’s camp
that lead down to the lake.
In the morning, when the sun was out,
the dew used to wet my feet as I picked blueberries
and gathered kindling.
In the afternoon, on summer weekends,
the dog and I would wrestle over a stick in the mud
while the grown-ups played cards on the dock.
In the evening, when the sky was clear
and the sauna was hot, the moon would shine
as we ran down the path to jump in the lake.
I will leave all the iambics and counts to others. They seem to have it covered. As for the poem: the movement through the day works well for me. I like the chronology...the sun moving across the narrator's sky. The simplicity, the "aw shucks" attitude is soothingly presented. Small town America is alive here. At the same time, I'm not sure I like the movement within (e.g. do you "need" to tell me it's summer if the kid has bare feet or grown-ups are playing cards on a dock?) Even a little detail like "the moon would shine" is a bit much considering the sky is clear. What else would it do? I like the poem. It reads easy but there's an underlying seriousness of youth beneath the surface. But it needs work. Thanks for posting.
Posts: 489
Threads: 182
Joined: Jan 2013
Thanks a tonne for your thoughts everyone.
It is a little weird going from the Iambic in the first two lines to the lack of meter in the rest of the poem, but I'm not sure what I can do about that.
I think I can definitely tidy it up a bit though, and I can probably think of a better image than the already implied moon at the end as well.
Posts: 751
Threads: 408
Joined: May 2014
Hey WJ, I thought I had commented on this one earlier. A couple thoughts on this enjoyable read. I 100% agree that "on summer weekends" needs changing. You have already shown us that it's summer with "camp, sun, lake, blueberries" so you needn't tell after showing us nicely. I'm not even sure if you need to qualify "weekends" as the whole piece has a feel of summer camp. I think the moon is fine where it is. Especially chronologically in the poem. A personal preference might be that the moon would "watch" rather than "shine".
Thanks for this one.
Paul