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The lions are out for flesh.
Outside, the crowds stare.
And, in a moment's glare,
Everything is mingled in blood.
Small head outside a tunnel.
Outside, the doctors labor,
Woman finds God's favor.
Everything is mingled in blood.
Chains falling on the sand,
Dark together, hand in hand.
And, in a moment, the whip.
Everything is mingled in blood.
Flowing down rosy cheeks,
People come and they peek.
The Fair Lady, She cries.
Everything is mingled in blood.
Everything is mingled in blood.
Everything He saw, in torment.
O, how cruel, was the moment.
Everything is mingled in blood.
Whip! And He cried.
Tears of blood He cried.
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Hi you have made some interesting connections here and for the most part the simple thought line works well enough, to make a nice poem, but it could perhaps benifit from a bit more depth.
The line spacing needs to be lost as this just makes the read distracting. (I have closed them up to do the crit)
(01-11-2015, 11:04 AM)ThePen Wrote: Keep an eye on your puctuation. You have capitalised every line reguardless of the preceeding punctuation. The use of a capital on each new line confuses the read. As beloved Tectak would say Punctuate for clarity.
The lions are out for flesh.
Outside, the crowds stare. Once you have set out a rhyme sequence,try to keep it the same throughout the poem. Because you have used a simplistic rhyme choices you could disguise this by hiding them as slant rhymes in the next line. Also some alliteration can spice up an otherwise simple poem.
And, in a moment's glare,
Everything is mingled in blood.
Small head outside a tunnel.
Outside, the doctors labor,
Woman finds God's favor.
Everything is mingled in blood.
Chains falling on the sand,
Dark together, hand in hand. You changed your rhyme sequence here.
And, in a moment, the whip.
Everything is mingled in blood.
Flowing down rosy cheeks,
People come and they peek.
The Fair Lady, She cries.
Everything is mingled in blood.
Everything is mingled in blood. I liked the change from last couplet line to first here for your refrain, (It would be a bit tedious otherwise) but then felt that the end of the poem was weakened and felt you were in a rush to suddenly show your hand. You have already spoken of the whip so I think that second last line could be cut altogether. Try to rework your thoughts to make them less ordinary. Crying tears of blood is not only a very strong image, but also for the readers that might get / enjoy this poem, also key to the read conclusion/meaning.
Everything He saw, in torment.
O, how cruel, was the moment.
Everything is mingled in blood.
Whip! And He cried.
Tears of blood He cried.
SilvanusNath
Unregistered
Needs more depth; the phrases could do with more meaning behind them. I’m not sure what mingled in blood means, so if you used words that are more relevant to that refrain your poem would be better. The stanzas just don’t really come together; every symbol and image should be paired with a small explanation right after; each line is a story that needs to be continued or it falls apart.
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(01-11-2015, 11:04 AM)ThePen Wrote: The lions are out for flesh.
Outside, the crowds stare.
And, in a moment's glare,
Everything is mingled in blood.
Small head outside a tunnel.
Outside, the doctors labor,
Woman finds God's favor.
Everything is mingled in blood.
Chains falling on the sand,
Dark together, hand in hand.
And, in a moment, the whip.
Everything is mingled in blood.
Flowing down rosy cheeks,
People come and they peek.
The Fair Lady, She cries.
Everything is mingled in blood.
Everything is mingled in blood.
Everything He saw, in torment.
O, how cruel, was the moment.
Everything is mingled in blood.
Whip! And He cried.
Tears of blood He cried.
Hi. I agree that the last line "Tears of blood he cried", has more impact if the line before it is omitted. That would mean everything he saw (in the poem) is mingled in the tears of blood He cried.
The phrase and poem's title, "Everything is mingled in blood," would have far more impact in my opinion, if it were only referenced once in the poem rather than over and over.
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I would like to see some more metaphors, and the overuse of the title phrase took away some of the power for me.
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(01-21-2015, 05:35 PM)Nahtaivel616 Wrote: I would like to see some more metaphors, and the overuse of the title phrase took away some of the power for me.
I'm not sure how the OP could use the advice of "I would like to see more metaphors". Please try to be more specific. Thanks, ella/mod.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
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