loveblindxo93
Unregistered
Hello.. It's me formally known as Loveblindxo.
I don't know what happened to my account, but it wouldn't let me sign in. So, I just made a new account. I am back from a long hiatus! with a new poem =)
We are looked at as the problem
innocent people, similar complexion
to those hollow in the heart
yet, we are attacked with a million questions
when we, too are hurt
how are we to feel when we see
our brothers on tv
little children running wild,dumb founded
"American's hate us"
we rather be accepted
instead of ripped apart
our emotions collapsing with the buildings
our tears falling with the planes
how do we comfort the lady
who has lost her fiance
when we look similar to the problem
how do we explain to a little girl her
father's flesh is ashes
how do we bounce back and continue to live
when we are plastered all over
television,news stands, busy streets
Everyone has opinions
Everyone talks
But, no one ever realizes we are suffering too
our brothers are on tv
same complexion
but,we are apart of the solution
rather than the problem
we are not our brothers
we are innocent people
hidden between the smoke
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
(09-15-2010, 11:45 AM)loveblindxo93 Wrote: Hello.. It's me formally known as Loveblindxo.
I don't know what happened to my account, but it wouldn't let me sign in. So, I just made a new account. I am back from a long hiatus! with a new poem =)
We are looked at as the problem
innocent people, similar complexion
to those hollow in the heart [no need for the]
yet, we are attacked with a million questions
when we, too are hurt
how are we to feel when we see
our brothers on tv
little children running wild,dumb founded
"American's hate us"
we rather be accepted [we'd or we would]
instead of ripped apart
our emotions collapsing with the buildings[i love these 2 lines]
our tears falling with the planes
how do we comfort the lady
who has lost her fiance
when we look similar to the problem
how do we explain to a little girl her
father's flesh is ashes
how do we bounce back and continue to live
when we are plastered all over
television,news stands, busy streets
Everyone has opinions
Everyone talks
But, no one ever realizes we are suffering too
our brothers are on tv
same complexion
but,we are apart of the solution [a part]
rather than the problem
we are not our brothers
we are innocent people
hidden between the smoke
your nic here was just Loveland
not Loveblind xo
good to see you back LB
i think this is one of your best poems. it has lots of potential.
for me it's a little telly. i think a small pruning would help
as would an odd image here and there.
is the we, the man in the street ?
i'd like at some point to see we defined.
an odd space needs inserting between two words and a quick check of the grammar but i have to say i enjoyed the reading of it . thanks as always.
Posts: 805
Threads: 374
Joined: Dec 2009
Welcome back LB! Sorry to hear about your old account, but no worries as long as you can post again
I loved this one. The theme was heartfelt, thought-provoking, and beautiful. You're becoming more and more a deft and disciplined writer. Minor adjustments in punctuations and such, but on the whole a solid work.
(09-15-2010, 11:45 AM)loveblindxo93 Wrote: Hello.. It's me formally known as Loveblindxo.
I don't know what happened to my account, but it wouldn't let me sign in. So, I just made a new account. I am back from a long hiatus! with a new poem =)
We are looked at as the problem
innocent people, similar complexion
to those hollow in the heart
yet, "no need for comma there" we are attacked with a million questions
when we, too "add comma here (or remove comma after "we")" are hurt
how are we to feel when we see
our brothers on tv
little children running wild,dumb founded "dumbfounded (one word )"
"American's hate us"
we rather be accepted
instead of ripped apart
our emotions "maybe you can choose a word more descriptive than emotion, since emotion can range from good feelings to bad ones" collapsing with the buildings
our tears falling with the planes
how do we comfort the lady
who has lost her fiance
when we look similar to the problem
how do we explain to a little girl her
father's flesh is ashes
how do we bounce back and continue to live
when we are plastered all over
television,news stands, busy streets
Everyone has opinions
Everyone talks
But, "no need for comma" no one ever realizes we are suffering too
our brothers are on tv
same complexion
but, "no need for comma" we are apart of the solution
rather than the problem
we are not our brothers
we are innocent people
hidden between the smoke "loved this last line "
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
