True Blondes and the Surface of Mars

[Erthona]

True Blondes and the Surface of Mars (edit 0.1 Tom & Brownlie)

 
She asked me if I wanted to come up
and see her pictures from the Mar's rover.
"Of course," I said.
She showed me a picture that she said
was a coffin for a “grey”; behind
it, construction of an ancient civilization:
then on to other even more unlikely things.
Picture after picture, after picture,
she impressed her case upon me.

At the end of the presentation
she asked me what I thought.
I told her she had acute pareidolia.
This somehow led to sex.
“Oh well,” I was thinking
while eating at the “Y”,
“she is a true blonde!”



original
 
She asked me if I wanted to come up
and see her pictures from the Mars rover.
Of course I said.
She showed me a picture that she said
was a coffin for a “grey” and behind
it construction of an ancient civilization.
Then on to other even more unlikely things.
Picture after picture, after picture,
she impressed upon me her case.

At the end of the presentation
she asked me what I thought.
I told her I thought she had acute pareidolia.
This somehow led to sex.
“Oh well,” I thought
while eating at the “Y”,
“she was a true blonde!”  
 
 
–Erthona
 
 
©2014

[Brownlie]

True Blondes and the Surface of Mars
 
She asked me if I wanted to come up
and see her pictures from the Mars rover.
Of course I said.
She showed me a picture that she said
was a coffin for a “grey” and behind -- I would put a comma before and
it construction of an ancient civilization. -- I would put was or something before construction (that is how I pronounce it at least).
Then on to other even more unlikely things.
Picture after picture, after picture, -- You could find a way to use a line break between the two after pictures.
she impressed upon me her case. -- To me, the syntax sounds inverted here.  It seems more natural to me to say, "she impressed her case upon me."


At the end of the presentation
she asked me what I thought.
I told her I thought she had acute pareidolia. -- Now this line I like quite a bit. That is a great word. However, you wouldn't need to use I thought twice.
This somehow led to sex.
“Oh well,” I thought -- You might be able to get away with italics instead of quoting in some instances.
while eating at the “Y”,
“she was a true blonde!”  
 
 
–Erthona
 
 
©2014

For some reason I get the feeling we might not be talking about a she. I may be inferring too much, but the "Y" and the reference to "mars" makes me think that we're dealing with a queen of the desert or something. Either way, pareidolia is a good word for any poetic arsenal.

[Erthona]

Thanks Brownlie,

I'll take that under advisement. After looking at it, I realize that I do need a comma in line 6 after it, and maybe add "alien" before civilization.

Thanks for the pointers

Dale

PS Yes the "I thought" comment is spot on. Will remove the first one. Thanks again Dale.

[tectak]

True Blondes and the Surface of Mars
 
She asked me if I wanted to come up
and see her pictures from the Mars rover. Apostrophes are bug(gers)[/ b]
Of course I said.[b] For clarity you NEED to indicate narrative. You might get away with a laconic "Of course, I said" but for me it is:
"Of course", I said.
She showed me a picture that she said
was a coffin for a “grey” and behind Consider a semicolon after "grey"; drop the "and". This line and the next are linked phrases. Comma after "it". Don't like "it" but the semicolon is a solid link back.
it construction of an ancient civilization.
Then on to other even more unlikely things. Again, not strictly a sentence. "Then on to.." begs who?
Picture after picture, after picture,
she impressed upon me her case.Slight lack of something in this line. Wotsit called?...Ah yes..meaning.

At the end of the presentation
she asked me what I thought.
I told her I thought she had acute pareidolia.
This somehow led to sex.
“Oh well,” I thought
while eating at the “Y”,
“she was a true blonde!”   Was? How hungry were you?

[b] Nice one, dale. Pareidolia is a new one to me. I have stored it.
Best,
Tom
 
 
–Erthona
 
 
©2014

[Erthona]

Tom, thanks for the pointer. I kind of threw this together quickly and did not edit it hardly at all. I did take out, ""Of course", I said, of course. I took it out because I could not figure out how to write it correctly. Evidently I could not figure out how to write the simpler one correctly either. I blame it on turkey.

"Picture after picture, after picture,
she impressed upon me her case.Slight lack of something in this line. Wotsit called?...Ah yes..meaning."

Her case was noted above. That there had been or still were an advanced civilization on Mars. There is also the sexual innuendo, which is why it is worded that particular way which foreshadows what is to ...come.

The use of "was", was meant as a joke bomb, so that the reader would do the reading equivalent of a double take, but it probably doesn't work that well and only comes across as a tense problem.

"Then on to other even more unlikely things. Again, not strictly a sentence. "Then on to.." begs who?

No, not a sentence at all. Was meant to be attached to the sentence before it.

"Pareidolia" is a concept I've been aware of for a long time as it makes the idea of ink blots possible, and why eye witness accounts are not very reliable. It's what my father describe to me when I was young as the "mind playing tricks on you". Pareidolia is an excellent word except I can never remember how to spell it or pronounce it. I ran across it in the latest article about what someone had found in the rover pictures on mars that looked like a coffin, which it actually did, and construction behind the coffin, which looked nothing like it. While reading the story, and especially this person who was seeing ancient construction, as well as seeing a Martian elsewhere, it just came to me he had acute pareidolia. Then I thought, why waste it him. The rest is history. The fact that I had to insult all blond females for the joke seemed a small price to pay as the pattern had already been well established and anybody with any sense knows the difference between the device and the truth and those who don't, I count as lost anyway.

Glad you enjoyed it despite it grammatical shortcomings.

Dale