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A Young Romantic Hits the High Notes
I stand on the edge of a cliché,
holding another as it aches with dismay,
and so I go anon and moan,
it matters not that I groan,
or after all I have invested, I am alone!
Please, leave me, have no care,
but my I ask, did you do something to your hair?
If I had such beautiful hair as you possess,
I think I would not now be so depressed,
though I guess you know as once you were my friend,
and even though you hate me now, your presence would help me mend.
Yet, I know by dent of my sins I deserve no compassion,
oh for the time, when I was young and dashing.
–Erthona
©2015
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(01-06-2015, 12:59 PM)Erthona Wrote: A Young Romantic Hits the High Notes
I stand on the edge of a cliché,
holding another as it aches with dismay,
and so I go anon and moan,
it matters not that I groan,
or after all I have invested, I am alone!
Please, leave me, have no care,
but my I ask, did you do something to your hair?
If I had such beautiful hair as you possess,
I think I would not now be so depressed,
though I guess you know as once you were my friend,
and even though you hate me now, your presence would help me mend.
Yet, I know by dent of my sins I deserve no compassion,
oh for the time, when I was young and dashing.
–Erthona
©2015
Hi,  The last line threw me because I read the poem from the title and was expecting the N to be young. Anon was nice if you wanted to use an archaic word that made no sense in its sentence, but I turned it to anonymous in my head which led me down a different path. Did you mean one or the other?
Oh, woe is me I've lost my love.
I thought he came from up above
but he was just a lowly snake
who caused my precious heart to break.
I, of course, deserve no blame;
it's he who should be racked by shame,
he's thrown away the perfect me.
He'll realize as the rolling sea
spits back my lifeless body, dead,
that it will all be on his head.
I know it was the lovely cliche you were addressing but I just couldn't resist the drama. Is it Valentine's Day yet?
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
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Ellamybella,
Anon: I meant it in the archaic way, or as Robin Williams once used it, "I shall go and touch myself anon."
Actually it is a young person speaking. The last line is an example of an obviously forced, not to mention terrible rhyme. To make the rhyme work "dashing" would have to be said like "compassion," so it would be rendered as "dashen'," which I think you must agree is pretty bad.
Good effort on your part, the meter is almost too good, except for L8, perfect meter flaw
Valentine's day? Not quite. It is however only three months until a poem a day in April. Are you ready milo?
xoxoxoxo
Dale
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Anon is fine by me, as sadly I use it in my everyday speech (though not every day!). The line about possessing beautiful hair tips this very neatly into stalker/ serial killer territory, but we've always suspected...
It could be worse
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Leanne,
I'm not a stalker (I haven't seen a corn field in years), I'm a serial observer 
Dale
Leanne,
I see you've changed you sig line. You honor me that you would aspire to be as mean as I, however I must contend you are not there yet as I have seen gentleness and acts of compassion from you, but it is nice you have a goal to aspire to.
Dale
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(01-06-2015, 12:59 PM)Erthona Wrote: A Young Romantic Hits the High Notes
I stand on the edge of a cliché,
holding another as it aches with dismay,
and so I go anon and moan, Period. Great opener... and moan. Anagrammatical "anon mad". My mind works like that
it matters not that I groan,
or after all I have invested, I am alone! Capital It...protest all you like but the "or" should go
Please, leave me, have no care, Interesting comma after please. Cannot decide if meaning chages without it. Your call
but my I ask, did you do something to your hair? may
If I had such beautiful hair as you possess,
I think I would not now be so depressed,
though I guess you know as once you were my friend, Maybe simplify these few lines by word swap. Syntactical inexactitude. Nothing serious but out of character methinks
and even though you hate me now, your presence would help me mend.
Yet, I know by dent of my sins I deserve no compassion, dint.
oh for the time, when I was young and dashing. To me, cries out for "Oh, for the time when I was young and in fashion"
[b]Hi dale,
Sometimes you write to please...but sometimes to appease. This is a half-way house. I take what I connect with from it...yet it stays the same...like a singularity. This must be veracity verse excusing itself for farting by blaming someone else...in that sense, well done. It could have been anybody...though I have it on good authority that Leanne never farts.
Best,
tectak
–Erthona
©2015 [/b]
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Tom,
You realize, don't you, that this is a satire? It is not suppose to be good, it is suppose to mimic a certain type of writer, or rather point out certain habits of a certain group of writers with which I think you are familiar. The "my-may" is a good catch, it was not intended, the rest of the errors were intended. I rather thought "dent" was a stroke of genius, that and "dashen'". The "High Notes" being a metaphor for the common mistakes that seem to repeat for these heart-on-the-sleeve troubadours. The intent on my part was for it to be humorous. Evidently that did not succeed as no one found it overwhelmingly humorous...well, except for me.
Dale the non-humorous
Say goodnight George. Goodnight George.
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Dearest Dale, you're far too subtle,
don't hold back in your rebuttal;
if your readers have committed
sins reserved for those half-witted,
tell them so: don't hold your tongue
and leave your cleverness unsung.
Shows their unremitting moaning
more barbarity than Conan;
syntax inexact by heaven!
Wait till they reach line eleven...
sweet caress of tress possession
banishes all dark depression.
Now for dashing -- em or en,
one ellipsis... start again
It could be worse
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Good try Leanne, but you still have a long ways to go. PS, you know you can get an actual em, or en dash in Word under insert—>symbol—>special characters. Insert it in a word document then just copy and paste.
xoxoxoxo
dale
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Yeah, but I wasn't going to bother with a Word document for you.
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(01-07-2015, 02:08 PM)Erthona Wrote: Tom,
You realize, don't you, that this is a satire? It is not suppose to be good, it is suppose to mimic a certain type of writer, or rather point out certain habits of a certain group of writers with which I think you are familiar. The "my-may" is a good catch, it was not intended, the rest of the errors were intended. I rather thought "dent" was a stroke of genius, that and "dashen'". The "High Notes" being a metaphor for the common mistakes that seem to repeat for these heart-on-the-sleeve troubadours. The intent on my part was for it to be humorous. Evidently that did not succeed as no one found it overwhelmingly humorous...well, except for me.
Dale the non-humorous
Say goodnight George. Goodnight George.
NOOOO? Really? I mean, it wasn't true that you are trichologically challenged?
Didn't get the dint/dent thing, though.
Maybe if you'd posted it in Serious it would have been funnier. Seriously. Funny that.
Best,
tectak
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Evidently my humor these days is not very...well, humorous. You'll be happy to know Leanne came to your defense. She's not very good at trying to slander a person. She was trying to point out that I'm overbearing, arrogant, dogmatic, and a boor, but everybody knows that already; but she's trying so you got to admire her spunk. She's no quitter, that's for sure. still, you got to learn to shoot before you learn to hit the target.
Tommy said: "NOOOO? Really? I mean, it wasn't true that you are trichologically challenged?" (That's a word you don't hear often, if ever. Did you learn it when you were having such a difficult problem getting rid of that severe case of head and body lice? It must have driven you nuts when you found them on your eyelashes, not to mention your balls.)
Well no, that part is true, I could be a monk without doing anything except shaving my beard, although I would probably go Greek Orthodox (Greeks have more fun, they take it up the bum) which would solve the beard problem. However since you were going to be so dry as to point out the errors you damn well knew were suppose to be there, I thought I should point out the obvious to you; it only seemed fitting, plus it gave Leanne fodder for her cannon (I guess she didn't understand we were having a little joke).
Oh yeah I meant to ask her if the Conan she meant was the Robert E. Howard one, or the wimp who has a talk show; hopefully the Howard one...but not the one portrayed by Auhnauld. He was nearly as bad at that, than he was the Governator. Sorry Leanne, I forgot to mention, nice trochee tetrameter. I always thought you were an iambic snob, being the Sonnet Queen and all.
Dale the Barbarian Here Me Roar (too much Katy Perry?)
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and 'til I go anon and moan...
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and 'til I go anon and moan
she only throws me one bleached bone,
which gives me little bits to eat,
I eat the callous off my feet.
Ah dew, ah dew, sweet prints, ah due,
once were many, now are few,
I say it well, I say it small,
I say to midgets six feet tall,
your due, your due, your over doo, doo-doo!
Venerate me Ray. I do not need deifying as I am already the god "Assmost." Kim Card-dash-he-in is my most ardent acolyte.
dale
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(01-13-2015, 04:35 AM)Erthona Wrote: and 'til I go anon and moan
she only throws me one bleached bone,
which gives me little bits to eat,
I eat the callous off my feet.
Ah dew, ah dew, sweet prints, ah due,
once were many, now are few,
I say it well, I say it small,
I say to midgets six feet tall,
your due, your due, your over doo, doo-doo!
Venerate me Ray. I do not need deifying as I am already the god "Assmost." Kim Card-dash-he-in is my most ardent acolyte.
dale
Do not cut my hair
for they are the locks of Sampson.
If you care to do so
I will draw my bawdy rage into a fig
and rain us both down in harumphs.
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Seven degrees of separation between harrumph and kerplunk
harrumph
her rump
her bump
hair bump
hair stump
air stump
air dunk
ker dunk
kerplunk
Crown me 
dale
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(01-13-2015, 07:21 AM)Erthona Wrote: Seven degrees of separation between harrumph and kerplunk
harrumph
her rump
her bump
hair bump
hair stump
air stump
air dunk
ker dunk
kerplunk
Crown me
dale
I approve
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(01-13-2015, 04:35 AM)Erthona Wrote: Venerate me Ray. I do not need deifying as I am already the god "Assmost." Kim Card-dash-he-in is my most ardent acolyte.
dale The form's filled, sent, received, canonized, and awaits Leanne's consecratively sanctifying imprimatur.
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Oh myself god, if I weren't immortal I'd never live to see that happen
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Leanne works in mysterious ways.
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