Urbanised by William Marsland.

[billy]

A countryside of sorts
arrives in a flurry on the fifteenth floor
finches, mating pairs.
Flitting from balcony to concrete balcony
darting, diving, weaving
through paint peeled drab, playing
catch-up on the wing.
when they alight outside the window
their glory dissolves the tragedy of towers.

light changed for glory; thanks Bianca.

[Touchstone]

A countryside of sorts
arrives in a flurry on the fifteenth floor
finches, mating pairs.

I really like that (and the title as well).

Flitting from balcony to concrete balcony
darting, diving, weaving
through paint peeled drab, playing
catch-up on the wing.

I think you've tried to fit too much in there. I'd lose either "weaving...drab" or "playing...wing." Probably the latter (see below for the reason why).

when they alight outside the window
their light dissolves the tragedy of towers.

Sorry but I don't like that much. What light? They're finches not phoenixes. And "alight" and "light" are too similar to sit well so closely together.

I think "tragedy" is too strong a metaphor. You've got some countryside creeping back, and concrete is dull, but tragedy would fit more naturally into something about a forest being bulldozed. Perhaps "mocks the hubris of towers" or something like that would be more in keeping.

[billy]

A countryside of sorts
arrives in a flurry on the fifteenth floor
finches, mating pairs.

I really like that (and the title as well).

Flitting from balcony to concrete balcony
darting, diving, weaving
through paint peeled drab, playing
catch-up on the wing.

I think you've tried to fit too much in there. I'd lose either "weaving...drab" or "playing...wing." Probably the latter (see below for the reason why).

when they alight outside the window
their light dissolves the tragedy of towers.

Sorry but I don't like that much. What light? They're finches not phoenixes. And "alight" and "light" are too similar to sit well so closely together.

I think "tragedy" is too strong a metaphor. You've got some countryside creeping back, and concrete is dull, but tragedy would fit more naturally into something about a forest being bulldozed. Perhaps "mocks the hubris of towers" or something like that would be more in keeping.

thanks for the feedback some good points, i'll take them into mind on an edit.

[billy]

that's because you're not English or because you don't use English. instead you use the bastardised English of the USA which likes to use a Z instead of an s on some occasions, but we forgive you. UK English and American English are two different things.

Adj. 1. urbanised
urbanised - made urban in nature; taking on urban characteristics; "the urbanized Eastern states"

[addy]

I like it. I even like your use of many words to give it a fast, fluttering pace in the middle... it really does remind me of the quick motions of birds that fly by the window. A very minor thing i would personally tweak is the first line, "a countryside of sorts". 'Of sorts' sounds unnecessarily lukewarm and unsure, so it could be rephrased.

Thanks for this

[billy]

thanks for the feedback addy
after touchstones feedback i have to agree that something needs doing and i also agree that with you on the numer of verbs (if thats what they are )
my solution is to get rid of as many gerunds as i can.
for instance;

flitting to flit

and

darting, diving, weaving

to

they dart, dive, and weave

and i'll sort out light to something else on the edit

once again guys, thanks for the feedback.

[Bianca Alabaster]

Billy: I'm not much at the critique thing but here are my thoughts...
Title is great!

A countryside of sorts
arrives in a flurry on the fifteenth floor
finches, mating pairs. >>> 1st stanza excellente'

Flitting from balcony to concrete balcony
darting, diving, weaving
through paint peeled drab, playing
catch-up on the wing.

>>> my edit would be:::
Flitting from balcony to
concrete balcony
darting and weaving
through paint-peeled drab,
playing catch-up
on the wing.


when they alight outside the window
their light dissolves the tragedy of towers.

I like your use of the bird's energy as light, perfectly fine to me.
but alight and light is very similar, could use "glory" instead of light as in
their glory dissolves the tragedy of towers.

thanks for a good poem

[Touchstone]

"glory" I like.

[heslopian]

This is my favourite from your work by far. I've always been attracted to poems which use images of light, and focus on simple but potent ideas, in short and succinct verse, so perhaps my adoration is a bit subjective, but nonetheless, this is magnificent. I really want to critique it, but I can't. It's just very very very good. If I had written it, I would have placed a colon after "floor," and a comma following the second "balcony," but they're merely minor aesthetic choices, and don't affect my enjoyment of this piece.

[billy]

thanks Bianca, i changed light to glory
---------------------------------------------

thanks for the feed back jack
the colon would work. i prefer to let the white space be a comma
because my grammar sucks big time. glad you enjoyed it.

[heslopian]

I personally preferred "light," but I guess that it's all subjective.

[billy]

it's effin terrible when you do an edit and someone says "i preferred it how it was "

i think if i didn't have alight in the previous sentence i'd agree.
that said i think it good that we the readers have differing opinions. they make us the writer think a bit harder

[heslopian]

In that case, I'm going to annoy you a bit more when I say that I liked what I perceived as the internal rhyme of "light" and "alight" Sorry Billy! But I'm glad my dissension has a positive aspect...