dad

[Tamara]

large sized shoes
feet cling on to memories
you live


or for more clarity, 

slipping feet into large sized shoes
feet cling on to memories
you live

[ellajam]

Hi, Tamara,

I don't think you need more than the original. You may be able to lose "on".
It hit the heart, thanks for posting it.

large sized shoes
feet cling on to memories
you live


or for more clarity, 

slipping feet into large sized shoes
feet cling on to memories
you live

[just mercedes]

Very direct. Thanks for posting this. We never can fill their shoes.

[Tamara]

Thank you ellajam and just mercedes. i'll lose the 'on'

large sized shoes
feet cling on memories
you live

[ChristopherSea]

Hi Tamara!

Large sized shoes is a bit off (not quite colloquial). Also feet don't usually cling. What about:

large shoe size
feet tread the memories
you live


Just some shared thoughts. Cheers/Chris

[Tamara]

i like the edit. thank you. but then if use the entire thing, it becomes your poem. 

i will change the second line. 

[ChristopherSea]

i like the edit. thank you. but then if use the entire thing, it becomes your poem. 

i will change the second line. 

No, the poet is always the author and artist. An editor or critic are only just that.

[Tamara]

i like the edit. thank you. but then if use the entire thing, it becomes your poem. 

i will change the second line. 

No, the poet is always the author and artist. An editor or critic are only just that.

okay. thanks again. then i will use it. 

[billy]

or for more clarity, 

slipping feet into large sized shoes
feet cling on to memories
you live

i think this is much better.

is [feet] needed on the first line as what you're doing is a given.
is [on] needed as it doesn't really add anything?

good effort

[Mwaba don]

large sized shoes
feet cling on to memories (I love this line, never heard one like this before).
you live


or for more clarity, 

slipping feet into large sized shoes
feet cling on to memories
you live

Nice poem.

[Tamara]

large sized shoes
feet cling on to memories (I love this line, never heard one like this before).
you live


or for more clarity, 

slipping feet into large sized shoes
feet cling on to memories
you live

Nice poem.

Thank you Mwaba for taking your time to check this one out.

[haikutec]

Hi Tamara,

large sized shoes
feet cling on to memories
you live


or for more clarity, 

slipping feet into large sized shoes
feet cling on to memories
you live

re:

large sized shoes
feet cling on to memories
you live


or for more clarity,

slipping feet into large sized shoes
feet cling on to memories
you live

I feel you can pare both versions of the first line to simply "large shoes"

Although there is memory foam for footwear nowadays, so be mindful of that interpretation, I feel you have your father's shoes (dad in the subject line of the post) bringing back memories.

You could simply say 'dad's shoes' and let the phrasal section of the haiku deal with a past memory in concrete terms?

I'll be fascinated how this subject develops, wonderful idea!

warm regards,

Alan

[Tamara]

i guess dad's shoes would have more clarity since senryu normally does not have a title.

[haikutec]

Hi Tamara,

i guess dad's shoes would have more clarity since senryu normally does not have a title.

You are right, senryu and haiku do not have titles, but it was useful that you placed 'dad' in the subject line as it gave context to the verse.

So now you could consider inserting 'dad' straight into the poem.

Sometimes our poems go through many versions, if short verse like senryu and haiku.

Just enjoy the revision process. :-)

warm regards,

Alan

[azure]

large sized shoes
feet cling on to memories
you live


or for more clarity, 

slipping feet into large sized shoes
feet cling on to memories
you live

I think the original is all that is needed. I really can relate to this for obvious reasons. This touched me deeply. It had a such a luminosity; a humanity. Thank you for posting this...

[dwestmor]

What about "slipping feet into large sizee shoes, feel cling to memories where you live" ththaseems to have more connectivity to me

[Leah S.]

I think I understood that "dad" is now deceased and those are his shoes, but I had to work for it, and it thinned the poignancy for me. I think you could work it into the body of the poem somehow, and it would really pack a punch. I like the layers of meaning in the image of putting on shoes too big for you, as in "fill his shoes" and "step into his shoes" to mean take on his role. Best, Leah