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I haven't posted on here for two years, and for good reason - I haven't written anything new until now. And all of a sudden I write two in one night! Both about very new personal experiences. This is one. I am looking for honest critique, I also would be open to any title suggestions, I have a few, the one I have chosen for now is a very simple description of what the poem is about but perhaps a more emotional and imaginative name is needed for a poem like this! I just couldn't place the name of this one. I was also thinking of naming it Rowan after the man who this is about. I know there is a lot wrong with this poem and I need somebody to help bring order to the chaos of my mind!
don't remember when i last slept or ate
accepting this wild chaotic state
where blissfulness begins to bloom
minds full of psilocybin shrooms
melt me softly to the floor
then go deeper, just eat more
fingers entwined our voices play
heart is floating, psyche astray
gazing locked, your crooked grin
facial patterns shape shifting
deep, dark eyes pull closer in
the ecstasy of our skin on skin
everything ripples, everything blue
and all that exists inside of you
this energy consuming me
new moon, and your erotic beauty
surrendering to my pulsations
absorbed in your divine sensations
the lightest touch delightfully lightning
unity and something like tantric enlightening
sown seeds grow inside the garden of me
you are the tree, a mystery
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I like it, I do not critique well and prefer the author's orignal work most often.. A true reflection. I like how you captured yourself as a vessel of creation when you said ''your sown seeds in the garden of me''. It sounds almost like an Xtasy trip. I have never made love on shrooms, as i assume you made love. Very sensual piece, and quite expressive and also bold.
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(12-30-2014, 05:29 AM)Universalchild Wrote: I haven't posted on here for two years, and for good reason - I haven't written anything new until now. And all of a sudden I write two in one night! Both about very new personal experiences. This is one. I am looking for honest critique, I also would be open to any title suggestions, I have a few, the one I have chosen for now is a very simple description of what the poem is about but perhaps a more emotional and imaginative name is needed for a poem like this! I just couldn't place the name of this one. I was also thinking of naming it Rowan after the man who this is about. I know there is a lot wrong with this poem and I need somebody to help bring order to the chaos of my mind!
don't remember when i last slept or ate
accepting this wild chaotic state
where blissfulness begins to bloom
minds full of psilocybin shrooms
melt me softly to the floor
then go deeper, just eat more
fingers entwined our voices play
heart is floating, psyche astray
gazing locked, your crooked grin
facial patterns shape shifting
deep, dark eyes pull closer in
the ecstasy of our skin on skin
everything ripples, everything blue
and all that exists inside of you
this energy consuming me
new moon, and your erotic beauty
surrendering to my pulsations
absorbed in your divine sensations
the lightest touch delightfully lightning
unity and something like tantric enlightening
sown seeds grow inside the garden of me
you are the tree, a mystery
Title is up to you, Universal. Maybe something that will shed some light on your subject matter. You say it's a personal experience poem but yet later in your explanation, you say it's about a man named Rowan. Are you the other participant? Maybe whatever title you choose can push me in the direction you want the poem to go. Your explanation makes no sense. As far as the poem goes, the sensory images are there but without any kind of punctuation the poem is some kind of wandering hallucinogenic episode. Maybe you just want to write about such an episode and that's the point of the poem. If that's a yes, you did a good job. If you want to show me something else, you'll need to work on it.
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Hey Fay Rey,
You are more or less writing in iambic tetrameter.I do not think it really matters if it is not technically correct, but it becomes a problem if it disrupts the reading. I've noted some that are bumpy and possibly suggestions. There are some others but they didn't really effect the reading. You probably lead off with your most unmetricall line in the poem.
"don't remember when i last slept or ate" probably needs to be something like: "I don't recall when I last slept or ate". Even so, that makes it five feet of shaky but workable iambs. The "when I" seems very problematic, but I cannot offer any suggestion. I think it probably smooths it out enough that it will not cause the reader duress.
Some other things.
L2 Maybe "accepting this chaotic state"
L12 remove "our" to smooth meter, especially as it doesn't effect the meaning as "our" is implied.
L6 This is sort of difficult as it start on a half foot and reads like a line of trochee except on the end. It can cause problems the way it is, at least initially it was for me. When I read it again expecting it, it read fine, but I don't think you can count on that.
L7
fingers entwined our voices play
L8 "heart" is a stressed word so again with the half foot.
One last one
L14 Maybe "and all that is inside of you"
As this is in mild I'll stop there.
In terms of the rhyme, as this is a medium length poem rhyming couplets is probably not the best option. 12 lines or less, anything over that and rhyming couplets gets a tad tedious, at least that's my opinion. A possibility here is you might want to try iambic free verse with incidental rhyme. That gives you a bit more freedom and I think might work better with this topic. with this form it seems at times you struggle with the rhyme because you really want to say something else, but are locked in because of the rhyme pattern. Just a thought.
One last thing, you probably want to stay away from lines that read "something like tantric enlightening," the "something like" is the problem. Do you not know if it is like "tantric enlightening"? If you do not know what you are describe then who does? Or are you just writing to fill out the line?
Purely personal lightening and enlightening seems a bit of a cheap rhyme to me. It's pretty close to rhyming the two same words.
Good to see you posting again, hope you stick around,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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if you like writing in iambs, I would add to Dale's suggestion by stating the obvious: you should try blank verse.
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I enjoyed this poem. I am a novice writer so as I read comments I keep finding things I will have to look up like iambs and blank verse, I cant give you any of those comments, I liked that the poem read in snatches of feelings and impressions that resonate for me with that euphoric time when a new partner has totally taken over your mind. You have a very feminine style its almost like viewing under water or a dream state.
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Hmm, it almost seems like a memoir. At times, I find myself confused about the speaker and the person you allude to in your poetry. Are they one in the same? Are you experiencing yourself or are you positing that you and your love have unified and become one after this hallucinatory experience? There is a pleasing and electrifying ambiguity about your poem but I do think it would have been much more stunning in free-form, as I feel the word choice at times seemed to hinder the beauty of the experience you are trying to convey.
"deep, dark eyes pull closer in
the ecstasy of our skin on skin"
The second line cuts shorter than the first which makes the rhyme feel uncomfortable and it sounds a little harsh to the ear when you say it out loud. How about:
"deep, dark eyes pull closer in
the ecstasy of your skin on my skin"
It sounds a little less stressed that way though I am still not too happy about it. Perhaps you should restructure those two lines?
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Threads: 18
Joined: Jan 2012
(01-09-2015, 08:12 AM)Erthona Wrote: Hey Fay Rey,
You are more or less writing in iambic tetrameter.I do not think it really matters if it is not technically correct, but it becomes a problem if it disrupts the reading. I've noted some that are bumpy and possibly suggestions. There are some others but they didn't really effect the reading. You probably lead off with your most unmetricall line in the poem.
"don't remember when i last slept or ate" probably needs to be something like: "I don't recall when I last slept or ate". Even so, that makes it five feet of shaky but workable iambs. The "when I" seems very problematic, but I cannot offer any suggestion. I think it probably smooths it out enough that it will not cause the reader duress.
Some other things.
L2 Maybe "accepting this chaotic state"
L12 remove "our" to smooth meter, especially as it doesn't effect the meaning as "our" is implied.
L6 This is sort of difficult as it start on a half foot and reads like a line of trochee except on the end. It can cause problems the way it is, at least initially it was for me. When I read it again expecting it, it read fine, but I don't think you can count on that.
L7
fingers entwined our voices play
L8 "heart" is a stressed word so again with the half foot.
One last one
L14 Maybe "and all that is inside of you"
As this is in mild I'll stop there.
In terms of the rhyme, as this is a medium length poem rhyming couplets is probably not the best option. 12 lines or less, anything over that and rhyming couplets gets a tad tedious, at least that's my opinion. A possibility here is you might want to try iambic free verse with incidental rhyme. That gives you a bit more freedom and I think might work better with this topic. with this form it seems at times you struggle with the rhyme because you really want to say something else, but are locked in because of the rhyme pattern. Just a thought.
One last thing, you probably want to stay away from lines that read "something like tantric enlightening," the "something like" is the problem. Do you not know if it is like "tantric enlightening"? If you do not know what you are describe then who does? Or are you just writing to fill out the line?
Purely personal lightening and enlightening seems a bit of a cheap rhyme to me. It's pretty close to rhyming the two same words.
Good to see you posting again, hope you stick around,
Dale
I'm so sorry that I never replied to this, I got swept away by life events and dropped poetry until recently.
I hear your advice, at some point I'm going to try and rewrite it with a better rhythm and keep what you've said in mind. I never quite got my head round writing in meter but I would like to be able to. I shoot myself in the foot with trying to rhyme most of the time, but I just love rhymes and some of them are natural. I do end up butchering my own writing that way though, many of my poems have suffered my attempts to force rhymes into it. I will definitely consider relaxing the need to rhyme in this one.
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