End of The Year

[zahrakh]

Smudged on the horizon,
beneath the uncaring gray clouds,
farewell of the year

fireworks set out,
and the ink drips down to nothingness.
Life goes on.

But pain has the gift of rekindling,
and heart is its faithful torchbearer,
oblivious to the clamor to appease
by offerings from its flame;
they need more fireworks, for their celebrations.

[shootthestar25]

Hello zahrakh,

Just to be clear, I'm new to giving critiques, but here's a few suggestions:

To start, I feel like "smudged on the horizon," even though you don't tell me anything else, evokes great imagery, which is quickly followed up by more imagery in the next line.  It sets me up with a great picture in my mind to hold as I continue reading.  

I think it leaves the door open to question whether or not the author is truly saying farewell to the year by not ending "farewell of the year" with either a comma or period.  It works for me.  I think the period at the end of "Life goes on." would be more powerful if one hadn't come in the line before.  Maybe switch it to a comma?  The contradiction between "Life goes on." and the period that says it does not is good.  

I stumble when I read "and heart is its faithful torchbearer", and am wondering if some word changes might help?  Maybe add "the" before "heart"?  I'm not entirely sure how to fix it, but it messes with the flow in my mind.  

The line "But pain has the gift of rekindling," sounds good(by which I mean, the rhythm works), and spoke to me.  Whatever you do, don't lose that line.  

The line "oblivious to the clamor to appease" has 3 separate words (oblivious, clamor, appease) that are higher caliber in terms of vocab than the rest of the piece.  That makes the line really heavy.  I don't feel comfortable suggesting synonyms for those words, which may not speak to you in the same way, but I suggest maybe switching out one or more of them for words that are more similar in caliber to the rest of the piece.  

I hope that was helpful.  
-ShootheStar25  

[zahrakh]

Thank you so much shootthestar, that was really helpful.
Smudged on the horizon,
beneath the uncaring gray clouds,
farewell of the year.
I chose a period here, how does it look now?

And you are right about the line that feels heavy, I'll do something about it.

[MikaelHeller]

Hi I just registered so take what you will from this

”Uncaring gray clouds” is not a particularly interesting image.
“Farewell of the year” or farewell to the year?
“the ink drops down to nothingness” sounds very cliché as well as too emo for my taste
Shouldn’t there be a ”the” in the third Stanza L2?

[zahrakh]

farewell of the year
and "the" heart, pointed noted thank you.

[tectak]

Hello zah,
I read this with the feeling that the narrator is trying very hard to express him/herself but is becoming increasingly aware of the  internal combustion,  call it emotional power, running out. As a deliberate structural device it would be fine but I think that concommitant with the weary, surreal imagery there is a winding down to nothingness...indeed, the penultimate stanza gives the game away. Dealing with the concept of a piece in a positive and constructive critique is not easy when profundity, obscurity and weariness of  content combine to drag the piece to an inconclusive end. Now, as I began, you may have intended to be cadent(ic)....but rather like a requiem you  fall and do not rise again. I would prefer a more catholic approach and by that I mean ending on a rising high.
Apart from the er...stylised...shall we say, grammar ( the first stanza is not a sentence. It hangs) I struggle to understand your use of no first person, animated fireworks that "set out" as against "going off", sudden ink, homespun cliche and a "but" -ted platitudinal end.
So I will call your "but" and raise you an "however"
It is, however, a good attempt at "poetry"...for that you get points.
Best,
tectak


Smudged on the horizon,
beneath the uncaring gray clouds,
farewell of the year

fireworks set out,
and the ink drips down to nothingness.
Life goes on.

But pain has the gift of rekindling,
and heart is its faithful torchbearer,
oblivious to the clamor to appease
by offerings from its flame;
they need more fireworks, for their celebrations.

[ThePen]

Smudged on the horizon,
beneath the uncaring gray clouds,
farewell of the year

fireworks set out,
and the ink drips down to nothingness.
Life goes on.

But pain has the gift of rekindling,
and heart is its faithful torchbearer,
oblivious to the clamor to appease
by offerings from its flame;
they need more fireworks, for their celebrations.

Hi there.

"Smudged on the horizon" is a good opening.
"Uncaring gray clouds" makes the poem seem a bit bleak.
I like the line "and the ink drops down to nothingness". That is good imagery.

Your ending stanza seems complicated. Is the "flame" from "offerings" a reference to the flame from the heart.

I wish there was more structure to your poem.