Personally

[somnium]

They said do not take things personally
yet sometimes it seems like everything is made just for me!
My eyes walk on the painted canvass of my dreams
What is within shines out
and in this there is no doubt
Even when small and humble and reality is a thunderous rumble
it is within me that aligns to make my self-importance crumble
Just the perfection of an Infinite lesson
Another form of reflection
Yet I must make the first step indeed
for it is me that must water the seed
And so how can I not take things personally
when the songs being sung are of my own personal history?
Perhaps I am just being a tool
yet I see my perception is an Infinite fuel!!
So large and so small (with so high to fall)
The ups and the downs
having a ball (like a clown)
and yet deadly serious while awaiting the sound
Ready to listen and so to never be bound
peering into Infinity with my feet on the ground

[Erthona]

simonschreibt wrote : "Not sure how i feel about the "you must write critique"-rule"

It doesn't really matter how you feel just as long as you do it, it's your membership fee. This site is not just for a person's use, a person must give back in some way. The way members give back is to write critiques which gives the writer insights they might not otherwise have, as well as correction in grammar, spelling, form, syntax, word usage and so on. The critique also helps the one who gives it as it forces one to think about different aspects of poetry that he/she/it might not ordinarily think about, thus widening his conception of poetry and improving his skills. Generally we try to be as objective as we can and give a rationale for why we think something is "wrong," if it is not a factual error.

Welcome to the site,

dale

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
somnium,

If you will notice:

"They said do not take things personally
yet sometimes it seems like everything is made just for me!"

The second line does not follow from the first making the rhyme forced.

"take things personally" generally means one feels as if any negative criticism is always being directed against them, which is different from what the second line says. It appears to be saying something positive, that "everything is made just for me!" These lines would appear to be contradictory statements.

"My eyes walk on the painted canvass of my dreams" This is an erroneous metaphor and does not create a beneficial or helpful image, merely a confusing one.    

"What is within shines out
and in this there is no doubt"

Since "what is within" has yet to be defined and it is still locked up in the writers mind, this is simply a lot of words that say nothing. Regardless even if we knew what the first line was talking about, the second line is purely extraneous, making the rhyme forced.  

As this is one of the lighter critique forums I will stop there and also as the rest of the poem is essentially more of the same, that is to say most of the lines are generally pointless and that they are simply there for the benefit rhyme.

Try to be clear on what you wish to say, and then make sure you are saying that (it would also help to make sure if it is worth saying). When using metaphor make sure you use it in a way that works, eyes do not walk, and a canvas is not walked upon, and a canvas is certainly not walked upon by eyes. Your eyes can take you down a road painted upon a canvas, but eyes cannot themselves walk on the canvas. Using a metaphor you are saying this is that. Such as (a simple usage): My life is a cesspool. You should highlight what your life has in common with a cesspool, not try to give the cesspool qualities it doesn't have. To use it in a way similar to the way you used the metaphor above would look something like: The cesspool of my life flies over the canyon of my dreams and lands on a plateau.

As with any critique on this site you are perfectly within your rights to completely ignore mine, and probably doubly so.    


As I have not run across you before, I will say a belated welcome to the site,

Dale

[Kubla Khan]

Are you a tool at the universe's disposal, or like just a general "tool?"
I believe solipsism is the theme here, along with the mystic supposition in which our internal universe influences the external world, so the first two lines are coherent, at least to me. It's all comprehensible to me, I think. Tthere are some opaque instances, weak metaphors, but it's understandable. That's really the best thing I can say of it though. But, really man, it's not a good poem. I guess I could give a more detailed critique but Dale has pretty much covered most of it.
But if you can really grasp the infinite, that's good, that's great, much more important than writing a good poem, and even more so important because of your forays into solipsism... lol