A Shot Of Loneliness

[QDeathstar]

The dimly lit room overgrown with dusted memories
she wasn't able to let go of never provided
much warmth or company.  Stacked stained
works of fiction fenced in her thoughts upon
the better lives of friends she accumulated.
She was content to keep her past restrained.

The cold droll of fall had crept through
overnight, and although her life left
her numb she still sensed urgency
in her attic as new guests scratched
and gnawed a winter nest from her
house's cables, insulation, and vents.

The shrieks and squeals of guests
concealed gave her comfort and conversation
she had always wanted. She tried her best
to be a gracious host; desperate to maintain
the melody of life her new friends offered.
She was grateful just to hum along.  

On particularly cold nights she could hear
the threatening howl of northeastern wind
whipping past doors her guests had made
in the eves of her attic. She would gently lift away
the attic door to let her warmth rise to the attic;
providing comfort to her most trusted companions.

Every evening after prayer she would force
herself away from the safety of family and home.
She would timidly greet a world of sneers
while walking crookedly to the corner store
where she could retrieve the bare essentials:
yellow potatoes, aspirin tablets, and a packet of peanuts.

Walking back past the pawnshop she would hear
drunken laughter and thumping music tumbling out
of a nearby bar which at one time she frequented
religiously. The muffled crumple of snow beneath
her feet helped set the pace past the danger lurking
behind the bar's luring entrance. Sometimes she fell behind.

[Erthona]

QD,

There is nothing really here that would allow me to critique this as a poem. The lines are truncated based on visual appearance it seems, if they are based on something else it has me stumped. There is of course no meter or rhyme, but there is also no beat or cadence. The only poetic trope I notice is a single use of alliteration. This is a fairly dry narrative, the images generally have the barest description about them. It becomes obvious early on that her guest or her "family" are rats who make home in her attic, from how they sound, and that they use the plastic covering from wires, and insulation from the walls to create a "nest", and are probably about the only critter who would do this. Further on we discover the woman was an alcoholic, has relapsed several times, "Sometimes she fell behind.", and that her behavior when she was drinking was not wonderful. "She was content to keep her past restrained." The most probably route for a female alcoholic is being a prostitute. Regardless, whatever family and friends she once had, she has driven away with her behavior. That she walks "crookedly" would indicate she got a permanent injury when she was drinking, or someone gave her one, or she is old. However there is no way to tell so it becomes difficult to incorporate that information into the visual image. This story does not grab the reader, it is missing too much information to be a stand a lone piece. There are just too many questions that strain the credulity.

"Every evening after prayer she would force
herself away from the safety of family and home.
She would timidly greet a world of sneers
while walking crookedly to the corner store
where she could retrieve the bare essentials:
yellow potatoes, aspirin tablets, and a packet of peanuts."

One has to ask why she needed to go to the store every day when she is getting nothing that even needs refrigerating, is she so feeble she can only carry a one day supply of aspirin. It seems like a days worth of aspirin is not that much lighter than a month's worth, and certainly a weeks worth of packaged peanuts would not add a significant amount of weight.

If this were written as the first page of a prose story those questions that come up would be OK, as one would expect they would be answered later on and not be bothered by them. Presented as a single poem, where those questions are left unanswered is not acceptable. It creates too much ambiguity and the story breaks down, too much tension is created and the primary experience of the reader is frustration.
Also as an introduction to a longer piece it does not have to be something to pull you in, but read as a single piece, (at least for me, others may disagree) there really isn't much to draw a person in or keep them there. I think the most important thing you need to do is show why this person is "important" enough to write a story about. Hopefully others will have better insight into this than I did.


Dale

[QDeathstar]

Thank you for your comments. I was getting worried I would get any, and I always love it hear what people think. I wasn't sure if I ended this in the right place. I actually had planned for this to end in a different place, but as I as writing I got side tracked. This might have worked better as a short story if only had the attention span. But you didn't find the story interesting?

[none]

Unfortunately, my post was deleted because it was insufficient, so I'll add up a bit more here.

Like an introduction to a long story, that's how I view this "poem". I don't see any progression at all, only ritual description of a solitary woman and that's just about it. It's fine if this piece is an opening chapter of a novel, but for a poem, I'm not sure what to make of it.

Since this place is a poem workshop, the first thing that you need to determine is intention - what is it that you want to convey with this poem? Lets say you want to describe the livelihood of this woman poetically, you can start with bits of revelations progressing and culminating with an end stanza that offer a full picture of her character and circumstances. Yet unfortunately, the way your poem currently stand is - once again, like an incomplete opening chapter of a novel and not at all like a poem. While I'm certainly aware of the prose poem genre, this piece certainly is not one.

[ellajam]

I like a slice of life poem that makes me consider something I might not have before. I think there is work you can do here to make it more powerful. I think S1 is your downfall, the long and confusing (for me) sentences set the wrong note.

I think you have missed some opportunities for interesting breaks throughout. I'll try to give you an idea of what I saw here.

The dimly lit room overgrown with dusted memories
she wasn't able to let go of never provided
much warmth or company.  Stacked stained
works of fiction fenced in her thoughts upon
the better lives of friends she accumulated.
She was content to keep her past restrained.
Clean but cluttered comes across but I think you need to choose whether the room or memories had no warmth. If both you need to make it clearer. Maybe drop either warmth or company and use one of them as a break. I would also drop "Stacked" or add an "and", I like the break on stained. "Thoughts upon" is bad, say it some other way. I like the breaks on accumulated and restrained, though maybe you could bring it into the present.

The cold droll of fall had crept through Is droll what you meant? I couldn't make it fit. I'd break on crept
overnight, and although her life left
her numb she still sensed urgency
in her attic as new guests scratched You might bring "and gnawed" up
and gnawed a winter nest from her
house's cables, insulation, and vents. I'd drop "house's".

The shrieks and squeals of guests
concealed gave her comfort and conversation You might lift up concealed, and again, bring it into the present.
she had always wanted. She tried her best
to be a gracious host; desperate to maintain I'd like a break on "gracious".
the melody of life her new friends offered.
She was grateful just to hum along.  

On particularly cold nights she could hear Maybe bring up "threatening".
the threatening howl of northeastern wind
whipping past doors her guests had made
in the eves of her attic. She would gently lift away
the attic door to let her warmth rise to the attic;
providing comfort to her most trusted companions.

Every evening after prayer she would force Nice break.
herself away from the safety of family and home.
She would timidly greet a world of sneers
while walking crookedly to the corner store
where she could retrieve the bare essentials:
yellow potatoes, aspirin tablets, and a packet of peanuts. I like the list, great insight here.

Walking back past the pawnshop she would hear
drunken laughter and thumping music tumbling out I might break on "drunken" and "tumbling", they go well together.
of a nearby bar which at one time she frequented Weak break.
religiously. The muffled crumple of snow beneath I like "muffled crumple".
her feet helped set the pace past the danger lurking
behind the bar's luring entrance. Sometimes she fell behind. Lurking and luring are nice, I might drop down the last sentence, I like it.

Overall I think there's a bit of a disconnect between the language and the lady. I think if you try a little harder to put yourself in her place instead of being the detached observer the language might match the situation better and the poem would be more effective.

I hope some of this helps.

[QDeathstar]

thank you for your thoughtful response, ellajam. You have some interesting ideas about the line breaks.

[Leah S.]

You have two stories here, both of which are woefully undertold. First, the lonely woman making pets of rats (squirrels? raccoons? possums?) in her attic. Second, the now-prayerful alcoholic, sunk into poverty, walking past seductive temptation on the way to buy potatoes and aspirin. Either would make a good poem. Pick one.
"Droll" means humorous in a light and insignificant way. I assume that is not what you meant.
Your best image is "the muffled crumple of snow"! I also like "walking crookedly;" "dusted memories;" and "stacked, stained works of fiction." Is she a hoarder? If so, give us a more detailed image.
I'm not so sure about the "melody" of the guests, but if you are going to stick with it, you need to develop it more. How did she hum along, eh? I see her sitting in her dingy kitchen squeaking like a rat.....?
Go back and take time to describe the details. You have the right idea, but you can't just whip out adjectives from the bargain grab bag.