a young girl, limping edit #1

[QDeathstar]

Well, in glad no one is taking anything personal and we can't get back to this poem. I was certainly hoping I wasn't beibg taken rudely, I'm glad that wasn't the case.

---

Oh and, merry Christmas.

[Leah S.]

"Ack! I posted my reply twice, and when I deleted it, it deleted both of them! Trying again.

Quibble: A female colt would be a filly not a foal.

I love the revision,
but there is still something wrong with these lines:
Her walk mimics a wounded animal,
has alerted some cortical reflex
in the predator brain."
Grammatically it should be one of the following:

"Her walk mimics a wounded animal;
alerts....." OR
"Her walk, that mimics a wounded animal,
has alerted......" OR
"Her walk mimics a wounded animal.
It has alerted....."
Sorry to be the grammar police.

[just mercedes]

"Ack! I posted my reply twice, and when I deleted it, it deleted both of them! Trying again.

Quibble: A female colt would be a filly not a foal. You have the whole sex-of-young-horses-thing wrong, I'm afraid. Here http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/foal - and a 'female colt', to quote you, is a physical impossibility.


I love the revision,
but there is still something wrong with these lines:
Her walk mimics a wounded animal,
has alerted some cortical reflex
in the predator brain."
Grammatically it should be one of the following: The way I've used it is correct, grammatically, to the best of my knowledge. Your suggestions are, also.

"Her walk mimics a wounded animal;
alerts....." OR
"Her walk, that mimics a wounded animal,
has alerted......" OR
"Her walk mimics a wounded animal.
It has alerted....."
Sorry to be the grammar police.

Thanks for coming back to this! I'm still thinking about further revision.

[Leah S.]

"Ack! I posted my reply twice, and when I deleted it, it deleted both of them! Trying again.
Quibble: A female colt would be a filly not a foal. You have the whole sex-of-young-horses-thing wrong, I'm afraid. Here http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/foal - and a 'female colt', to quote you, is a physical impossibility.

I love the revision,
but there is still something wrong with these lines:
Her walk mimics a wounded animal,
has alerted some cortical reflex
in the predator brain."
Grammatically it should be one of the following: The way I've used it is correct, grammatically, to the best of my knowledge. Your suggestions are, also.
"Her walk mimics a wounded animal;
alerts....." OR
"Her walk, that mimics a wounded animal,
has alerted......" OR
"Her walk mimics a wounded animal.
It has alerted....."
Sorry to be the grammar police.

Thanks for coming back to this! I'm still thinking about further revision.

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/filly?show=0&t=1419451533 I think you're right...foal is neuter, colt is male; filly is female. I still think filly might be a good choice!