Posts: 17
Threads: 7
Joined: Jan 2013
Fire Escape
We follow embers and bitter scrap metal,
the fuel of our labors.
We restore God in a lifeless bronze design,
fearless, voiceless ambassador
of Detroit under siege.
Our vision suffers at these doorways in the desert:
artistic history, not ghetto graffiti;
honest monoliths, not hollow hallways;
stale tires, rotten sofas, bodies overgrown.
Our ghosts reign over beaver-lined wrists and red-leathered fists,
alleyway saxophones that mask oil’s marvelous stench,
those soaring ceilings of the true Central Station,
that quiet gateway, sentinel of the Strait, tiger in repose,
echoing “ Libertà. Maison. Airgead.”
Stairsteps trace the side of our former Titan,
zigzagging from sky to cement;
four dozen flights of feet pounding steel
above the purgatory of radial roadways;
God-like hands bonded by guilt and grime
frightened at the collective fury of this city in rebirth.
Quote:
Original Version
We follow embers
and bitter scrap metal,
the fuel of our labors.
We restore God
in a lifeless bronze design,
fearless, voiceless ambassador
of Detroit under siege.
Our vision suffers
at these doorways in the desert:
Artistic history, not ghetto graffiti
Honest monoliths, not hollow hallways
Stale tires, rotten sofas, bodies overgrown.
Our ghosts reign
over beaver-lined wrists and red-leathered fists,
alleyway saxophones that mask oil’s marvelous stench
those soaring ceilings of the true Central Station
that quiet gateway, sentinel of the Strait, tiger in repose
echoing “Libertà. Maison. Airgead.”
Stairsteps trace the side of our former titan
zigzagging from sky to cement
four dozen flights of feet pounding steel
above the purgatory of radial roadways
God-like hands bonded by guilt and grime
are frightened at the collective fury
of this city in rebirth.
Posts: 22
Threads: 2
Joined: Dec 2014
I really don't like the usage of the word "desert" in the second line of the third stanza as it literally disrupted my imagination. The first stanza gave me the vague basic idea, the second stanza intensified the emotion but then when I reached the third stanza, I was held back. Is Detroit located in the middle of a desert? That was the first thing that came to mind.
Still, this is a very well written poem even though some of the meanings are not known to me. I can see that without having an intimate knowledge of Detroit's long history, it would be difficult for anyone to fully enjoy the poems. With only a limited general knowledge of the city that I have, I can grasp the first, second and third (apart from "desert") stanzas without much issue. Stanza four on the other hand, made me struggle and I'm at lost completely with stanza five.
Regardless, despite my knowledge blank, every stanza is still able to convey its general meaning to the readers via easily decipherable lines here and there. For example, despite not knowing the meanings of the first four lines of the fifth stanza, the last three lines:
God-like hands bonded by guilt and grime
are frightened at the collective fury
of this city in rebirth.
are not hard to understand, giving us the general idea of the stanza.
All in all, it's 9/10 from me as I do enjoy reading the poem and really like the way you beautifully strung the words together.
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(12-11-2014, 05:07 PM)cotidiano Wrote: Fire Escape
We follow embers
and bitter scrap metal,
the fuel of our labors. Excellent opener with just enough mystique to carry through. As a single Iine, there is no great advantage to the concertina. I get the feeling that this may apply throughout. There are some extremely pensive, and worthy, thoughts expressed below. They have been sucessfully risen up from muttered musings in to fully erect towers of meaning...why chop them up again? Short lines tend to gallop along and whilst punctuation is often a tight rein, if you cede control to the horse, you or I may come a cropper. See stanza 3
We restore God
in a lifeless bronze design, "design" is a lossy word. It is just not quite the mot juste( you started it  ). If you read the line without the modifiers you get the point. We restore God in a design? Hmmm.
fearless, voiceless ambassador
of Detroit under siege. A big yes to this. There are layers of meaning here. A happier linkage between the gasoline god image and the Detroit allusion may mean that bronze would better be steel. Just a thought. This is up for workshopping? I guess bronze rings with a dull cliche. That is all
Our vision suffers
at these doorways in the desert:
Artistic history, not ghetto graffiti
Honest monoliths, not hollow hallways
Stale tires, rotten sofas, bodies overgrown. If there is preachiness here it is made manifest by that old adage "Don't tell me what I think, or I will lie to you" Harrrrrumph. I may have made that up BUT the point is made. All these "we" and "our" lines become irritatingly presumptuous....and that is one hell of a definition of preachiness. On another point, why have you suddenly gone all faux-poetic with these retro line start capitals? If you think that chopped up lines can substitute for punctuation, well, you are wrong ; not least because it forces errors. Only a period requires a following capital letter. That's why exclamation marks and question marks have a period beneath them. Colons, commas and semicolons do not require a capital following. Nor do line starts in themselves. Nonethess, or in spite of this nit, there is, again, some great depth being plumbed here. Envy.
Our ghosts reign
over beaver-lined wrists and red-leathered fists,
alleyway saxophones that mask oil’s marvelous stench
those soaring ceilings of the true Central Station
that quiet gateway, sentinel of the Strait, tiger in repose
echoing “Libertà. Maison. Airgead.” If I have to google airgead I will but I am busy right now reading poetry. Your call.
Stairsteps trace the side of our former titan Is stairsteps an Americanism and is titan tiny or Titan?
zigzagging from sky to cement
four dozen flights of feet pounding steel
above the purgatory of radial roadways
God-like hands bonded by guilt and grime
are frightened at the collective fury
of this city in rebirth. Too busy. Punctuate to clarity whilst I bugger off to look up airgead. That is what happens when you drop the reins. If you have relinquished control, who is steering this steed?
This is me liking it. There is a Son et Lumiere about the piece that is worth retaining in any edit. Don't take my comments too much to heart....no one else does...but work like this deserves a full metal jacket. I guess the main complaint is the classification of my thinking with your thinking and no one asked me first.
Best,
good stuff,
tectak
PS I knew airgead from the Scottish and could not see it, so I googled it and found it was Irish... and could not see it. So I don't see it. Help....and while you are about it maybe we can have an explanation of the linkage between a city in Antigua (I did not know this and google had difficulties), a French house and Irish silver. ( apart from the obvious, of course. That would never do)
Posts: 17
Threads: 7
Joined: Jan 2013
(12-12-2014, 06:55 PM)tectak Wrote: (12-11-2014, 05:07 PM)cotidiano Wrote: Fire Escape
We follow embers
and bitter scrap metal,
the fuel of our labors. Excellent opener with just enough mystique to carry through. As a single Iine, there is no great advantage to the concertina. I get the feeling that this may apply throughout. There are some extremely pensive, and worthy, thoughts expressed below. They have been sucessfully risen up from muttered musings in to fully erect towers of meaning...why chop them up again? Short lines tend to gallop along and whilst punctuation is often a tight rein, if you cede control to the horse, you or I may come a cropper. See stanza 3
We restore God
in a lifeless bronze design, "design" is a lossy word. It is just not quite the mot juste( you started it ). If you read the line without the modifiers you get the point. We restore God in a design? Hmmm.
fearless, voiceless ambassador
of Detroit under siege. A big yes to this. There are layers of meaning here. A happier linkage between the gasoline god image and the Detroit allusion may mean that bronze would better be steel. Just a thought. This is up for workshopping? I guess bronze rings with a dull cliche. That is all
Our vision suffers
at these doorways in the desert:
Artistic history, not ghetto graffiti
Honest monoliths, not hollow hallways
Stale tires, rotten sofas, bodies overgrown. If there is preachiness here it is made manifest by that old adage "Don't tell me what I think, or I will lie to you" Harrrrrumph. I may have made that up BUT the point is made. All these "we" and "our" lines become irritatingly presumptuous....and that is one hell of a definition of preachiness. On another point, why have you suddenly gone all faux-poetic with these retro line start capitals? If you think that chopped up lines can substitute for punctuation, well, you are wrong ; not least because it forces errors. Only a period requires a following capital letter. That's why exclamation marks and question marks have a period beneath them. Colons, commas and semicolons do not require a capital following. Nor do line starts in themselves. Nonethess, or in spite of this nit, there is, again, some great depth being plumbed here. Envy.
Our ghosts reign
over beaver-lined wrists and red-leathered fists,
alleyway saxophones that mask oil’s marvelous stench
those soaring ceilings of the true Central Station
that quiet gateway, sentinel of the Strait, tiger in repose
echoing “Libertà. Maison. Airgead.” If I have to google airgead I will but I am busy right now reading poetry. Your call.
Stairsteps trace the side of our former titan Is stairsteps an Americanism and is titan tiny or Titan?
zigzagging from sky to cement
four dozen flights of feet pounding steel
above the purgatory of radial roadways
God-like hands bonded by guilt and grime
are frightened at the collective fury
of this city in rebirth. Too busy. Punctuate to clarity whilst I bugger off to look up airgead. That is what happens when you drop the reins. If you have relinquished control, who is steering this steed?
This is me liking it. There is a Son et Lumiere about the piece that is worth retaining in any edit. Don't take my comments too much to heart....no one else does...but work like this deserves a full metal jacket. I guess the main complaint is the classification of my thinking with your thinking and no one asked me first.
Best,
good stuff,
tectak
PS I knew airgead from the Scottish and could not see it, so I googled it and found it was Irish... and could not see it. So I don't see it. Help....and while you are about it maybe we can have an explanation of the linkage between a city in Antigua (I did not know this and google had difficulties), a French house and Irish silver. ( apart from the obvious, of course. That would never do)
Point taken about substituting punctuation with line breaks. When I read it out loud, I don't take obnoxious breaks between those lines, so I should combine them. However, the last stanza becomes lengthy when the first and second lines (or any other lines) are combined, not so much flow-wise, but visually the length looks strange in comparison to the other stanzas. I want to maintain that linear growth, though (2 lines, then 3, 4, 5, 6).
The "lifeless bronze design" refers to this statue: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Spirit_of_Detroit. The statue supposedly evokes God as well as Detroit's strength. I thought "design" somewhat spurred the idea of "God's design," but perhaps there's a more obvious way to phrase that.
Okay, I admit that I have no idea how to punctuate poetry! My past tendency has been to over-punctuate (comma, comma, comma, comma), and looking at other poems made me notice how sparingly writers employ commas. I need to study more about that.
As for the presumptuous collective tone, it's not meant to include the reader, but rather is the voice of Detroit's residents. Still, I understand how it might sound too forceful, but I'm not sure if there's a good way to reduce that effect.
In American, we just say "stairs," never stairsteps, but "stairs" on its own reads too much like "stares" to me. According to Merriam-Webster, "stairsteps" is a valid alternate spelling of "stair steps." The separation of the two words looks strange to me, so I prefer the jointed version.
Haha, the foreign words are meant to be "Liberty" (Italian), "Home" (French), and "Money" (Irish/Gaelic), which are meant to represent the voices of the long-gone immigrant populations echoing within the abandoned Michigan Central Station. How else can I convey this?
I agree that the last stanza is too busy, but I'll have to ponder on it for a while. Thank you for your feedback!
(12-12-2014, 01:13 AM)none Wrote: I really don't like the usage of the word "desert" in the second line of the third stanza as it literally disrupted my imagination. The first stanza gave me the vague basic idea, the second stanza intensified the emotion but then when I reached the third stanza, I was held back. Is Detroit located in the middle of a desert? That was the first thing that came to mind.
Still, this is a very well written poem even though some of the meanings are not known to me. I can see that without having an intimate knowledge of Detroit's long history, it would be difficult for anyone to fully enjoy the poems. With only a limited general knowledge of the city that I have, I can grasp the first, second and third (apart from "desert") stanzas without much issue. Stanza four on the other hand, made me struggle and I'm at lost completely with stanza five.
Regardless, despite my knowledge blank, every stanza is still able to convey its general meaning to the readers via easily decipherable lines here and there. For example, despite not knowing the meanings of the first four lines of the fifth stanza, the last three lines:
God-like hands bonded by guilt and grime
are frightened at the collective fury
of this city in rebirth.
are not hard to understand, giving us the general idea of the stanza.
All in all, it's 9/10 from me as I do enjoy reading the poem and really like the way you beautifully strung the words together.
I understand the confusion with "doorways in the desert," as it doesn't match up with one's mental image of Detroit. I wanted to visually convey the idea of barrenness or things that serve no purpose (like doorways in a desert). But if it sounds distracting, then I will try to think of clearer alternatives. Thank you so much for your feedback and support! I truly appreciate it.
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