Insomniac

[oceanwanderer20]

Insomniac

It's 3 am and I watch the clock change.
The halls are still and quiet,
like a morning lake on a windless day.
I am pleased to hear
no footsteps but my own.
Snores accompany quiet breaths,
And I watch as dreams flicker overhead.
I tiptoe, careful not to disturb the man,
hunched over with his head in a book,
pen loosely clenched in his hand.
I smile and keep walking,
hollow footsteps on a cold tile floor.
I pass a window where a couple stands,
holding hands with love in their eyes.
I begin to wonder about their story,
but I sneak away,
afraid to shatter the moment.
My eyes catch a movement:
papers fluttering in a window breeze.
Cold air enthralls me, and
I feel frigid adrenaline build in my veins...
I keep walking.

It's 4 am and I hear laughter walk by,
echoing on walls in the darkness.
The voices diminish and go to sleep.
But an anonymous face remains,
sitting on cold stone.
Her head is down, and
moonlight reflects off of tear-stained hands.
Empty eyes acknowledge my presence,
and we sit in knowing silence.
There's nothing to be said,
but my gaze gives hope.
We part ways again in the quiet.

It's 5 am and the sky begins to lighten.
I crawl into bed,
huddling under a pile of blankets
to warm my cold breaths.

[Beacherjosh]

This reads very much as an opener to a suspenseful short story, not as much as a poem. It is very wordy. Your descriptions do paint a very good picture in my mind of the setting, but I think your word choice can be more precise, especially by using other poetic tactics. Ex: "It's 3 am and I watch the clock change." how about... "It's 3 am and I watch the clock--tick tock" This doesn't tell the reader what is going on, it allows the reader to make their own assumptions (a working clock is always changing). I love your third line,"like a morning lake on a windless day." very wordy and I'd love to see it shortened, but it is picturesque! In all honesty I would love to see almost every line shortened. Try circling words that are not entirely essential to the sentience, line or, theme, and take them out. ex: "And I watch as dreams flicker overhead." you can take out "And" also you can take out the word "as". doing this can help condense your meaning, and not distract the reader from your imagery.
It's 3 am and I watch the clock change. --see above
The halls are still and quiet,
like a morning lake on a windless day. --see above
I am pleased to hear
no footsteps but my own.
Snores accompany quiet breaths, -- I like this line, but it sounds awkward to me, i'm not sure why.
And I watch as dreams flicker overhead. --see above
I tiptoe, careful not to disturb the man, -- do you really need the word carful? that is what tiptoeing implies.
hunched over with his head in a book, -- "hunched, his head in book"?
pen loosely clenched in his hand. -- love this
I smile and keep walking, -- i get the sense you have a love for writing (not just as a persona)
hollow footsteps on a cold tile floor. I do not know what "hollow" foot steps sound like.
I pass a window where a couple stands,
holding hands with love in their eyes. ---wordy.. "love filled eyes?"
I begin to wonder about their story,
but I sneak away, -- I feel you should take out the ","
afraid to shatter the moment.
My eyes catch a movement: -- the term "eyes catch" is very cliché. ex: "I caught a glance with my eyes" (cliché)
papers fluttering in a window breeze. -- LOVE!
Cold air enthralls me, and --Love! (i also like you didn't end in a ","
I feel frigid adrenaline build in my veins... ---Love! i'm a sucker for alliterations.
I keep walking. --- simple to the point!
It's 4 am and I hear laughter walk by, --- Nice, personifying laughter! (I also like the time change)
echoing on walls in the darkness. --this line makes me feel weird. I don't like it.
The voices diminish and go to sleep. -- "the voices doze off"?
But an anonymous face remains,
sitting on cold stone. --- a face doesn't sit on stone, it sounds awkward but i do know what you mean.
Her head is down, and
moonlight reflects off of tear-stained hands. ---this line would come off as very bold, if the surrounding lines were more bland/shorter.
Empty eyes acknowledge my presence, ---"looking into empty eyes"?
and we sit in knowing silence.
There's nothing to be said,
but my gaze gives hope. -- I do enjoy alliterations.
We part ways again in the quiet.
It's 5 am and the sky begins to lighten. -- I want to know what this light looks like... night just "lighten"
I crawl into bed,
huddling under a pile of blankets -- quilts?
to warm my cold breaths. -- You have a lot of talent i think you can come up with a better finisher, more bold.
I did get very nity-grity. I loved you concept of what the person does as an insomniac and I really got a sense I was right by his/her side. Watch your commas because to me they do become distracting.