Six months, too short, have slipped away
And now she must leave me...
Now flowers in the world above
Bloom for Persephone.
The mortals in that upper realm
Rejoice and sing their songs,
But little do they know that here
Is where my dear belongs.
Though "here" is somewhat cold and dark
It's where she wants to be -
Just six more months until my bride
At last returns to me.
Posts: 574
Threads: 80
Joined: May 2013
(11-27-2014, 03:50 AM)Requiem Wrote: Generally, when I see myths I look for them being used in a new way.
Six months, too short, have slipped away -- quickly after have may work better than too short.
And now she must leave me... --The meter sounds off here.
Now flowers in the world above
Bloom for Persephone.
The mortals in that upper realm -- "that" is padding to fit the meter.
Rejoice and sing their songs,-- "and" plus "their" seem to be expendable.
But little do they know that here
Is where my dear belongs.
Though "here" is somewhat cold and dark -- This may be your most compelling line, perhaps.
It's where she wants to be
Just six more months until my bride
At last returns to me.
As a metrical exercise I don't think this is so bad. However, the content doesn't seem to say anything to innovative. I pad meter all the time. So, I wouldn't say I'm better than you. Thanks for posting.
Posts: 53
Threads: 10
Joined: Nov 2014
(11-27-2014, 03:50 AM)Requiem Wrote: Six months, too short, have slipped away
And now she must leave me...
Now flowers in the world above
Bloom for Persephone.
The mortals in that upper realm
Rejoice and sing their songs,
But little do they know that here
Is where my dear belongs.
Though "here" is somewhat cold and dark
It's where she wants to be -
Just six more months until my bride
At last returns to me.
I don't like the weak voice Hades has in this piece, as the author. I understand that this can simply be the voice of some melancholy mortal though... I suggest adhering to a simple meter to solidify the musicality of the poem. I do enjoy the poem's brevity; rhyming pieces that are too long I find distracting and boring. At it's current state it just seems two dimensional, and it lacks intriguing imagery. Thanks
Azure
cliche my forte
