Blind Desire:

[Filíocht]

"Although gold dust is precious, when it gets in your eyes, it obstructs your vision." ~Hsi-Tang

Blind Desire

The strength of a man is found in his heart,
and not in his arms or legs,
to that which his will clings he'll never depart
no matter how much reason begs!
He'll live for a belief, he'll die for a cause,
this iron will's his greatest virtue,
he'll wrestle with demons vile without pause
for that which his heart holds as true
And sacrifice all that he has on a whim
in fiery feats of integrity;
but truth is a phantom, ghastly and grim,
when his reasons are insanity;
See brothers fight brothers for forests and fields,
treasuring but greed and pride,
And women are raped "for the pleasures it yields",
for shame my soul flees to hide.
Yea the faults of all men are to be found in their hearts
alongside their greatest virtue,
for when passion is roused, reason departs
and men heed not what they do...

[azure]

"Although gold dust is precious, when it gets in your eyes, it obstructs your vision." ~Hsi-Tang

Blind Desire

The strength of a man is to found in his heart, This line is grammatically incorrect.
and not in his arms or legs,
to that which his will clings he'll never depart I suggest smoothing this line out a bit
no matter how much reason begs!
He will live for a belief, he'll die for a cause, maybe use "he'll" instead of 'he will'.
this iron will's his greatest virtue, more grammatical errors
he'll wrestle with demons vile without pause this is cliche
for that which his heart holds as true more cliche
And sacrifice all that he has on a whim
in fiery feats of integrity; nice f(s)
but truth is a phantom, ghastly and grim,
when his reasons are in-sanity;
See brothers fight brothers for forests and fields, I like the lyrical feel of this line.
treasuring but greed and pride,
And women are raped "for the pleasures it yields",
for shame my soul flees to hide. maybe add "the" after for.
Yea the faults of all men are to be found in their hearts
alongside their greatest virtue,
for when passion is roused, reason departs
and men heed not what they do...

The meter was better in this than in your other piece I critiqued. Be careful of cliches and read aloud your poem before posting it to root out any sluggish language use. Overall this subject matter is slightly overused, but you did attempt to express it paying attention to lyrical rhythm and rhyme. I suggest developing a greater understanding of how to express potent imagery. All the best

Azure

[jonatron5]

I could be a bit biased myself. But the first thing that struck me. While you have good word choice in my opinion it doesnt flow. Like you try to put too many syllables in each stanza. If thats your poetic style then thats fine with me im just used to more of an iambic parameter.as such.

"I did this, and that"
But save the other
not, for my time well spent"

It means absolutley nothing but it flows well.

[vagabond]

"Although gold dust is precious, when it gets in your eyes, it obstructs your vision." ~Hsi-Tang

Blind Desire

The strength of a man is to found in his heart,                 " a man´s strenghth lives in his heart"
and not in his arms or legs,          < ---  I would leave that line out.
to that which his will clings he'll never depart        "from what he clings to he will never part"
no matter how much reason begs!             i am not sure if reason always begs against a strong will. i think it shouldnt.
He will live for a belief, he'll die for a cause,
this iron will's his greatest virtue,
he'll wrestle with demons vile without pause
for that which his heart holds as true
And sacrifice all that he has on a whim
in fiery feats of integrity;                                       by your poem´s first line you attribute all this senseless fighting mode to every man. this seems improbable.  You could begin the poem with an anonymous "His strength ..." so that you describe only a certain type of person, which doesnt even have to be male (except for the rape part)

but truth is a phantom, ghastly and grim,
when his reasons are in-sanity;                                   here I would want you to go deeper into the special nature of this insanity.. it is so vague a word.. but I admit that I can´t offer a good choice of words myself.
See brothers fight brothers for forests and fields,
treasuring but greed and pride,                     you wouldn´t really treasure greed and pride
And women are raped "for the pleasures it yields",                 this feels like a pretty abrupt change of topic as rape has nothing to do with a strong will 
for shame my soul flees to hide.
Yea the faults of all men are to be found in their hearts
alongside their greatest virtue,
for when passion is roused, reason departs           not always a bad thing if reason departs. you could write conscience instead of reason.         
and men heed not what they do...                    

[Requiem]

Interesting message, but I feel that a few structural changes could be made to increase the impact. Consider these:
  Line 1: Delete "to," grammatically incorrect as is
  Line 3: A bit awkward. Maybe "To that which he clings, he'll never depart."
  Line 6: Wordy. Maybe "Iron will, his greatest virtue."
  Line 8: Delete "as"
  Line 16: This is the only line in the poem in which the narrator refers to theirself (is that a word?), and so it feels like a filler sentence to me. It's kinda like when you're reading a book, and all of a sudden a new character appears out of nowhere without introduction, and you're left confused and wondering who they are. I would create a new line that keeps the narrator detached.
  Line 18: "alongside their greatest virtue." Looking back, I see that their "greatest virtue" is a strong will. However, I didn't pick this up when I first read it through, so just bear in mind that a reader is going to want to understand things right away (or by the end of the poem, at least) and aren't going to want to go back to double check things.

Other than that, I thought the last four lines were pretty deep. Good luck with your writing!

[Ribo]

"Although gold dust is precious, when it gets in your eyes, it obstructs your vision." ~Hsi-Tang

Blind Desire

The strength of a man is to found in his heart, -- grammar is poor and doesn't seem intentional - "to be found" would be ok. Better yet swap this around to be something like "A man's heart is the muscle of his strength, not the arms and legs..
and not in his arms or legs, - see previous comment..
to that which his will clings he'll never depart - should this be a new sentence?
no matter how much reason begs!
He will live for a belief, he'll die for a cause,
this iron will's his greatest virtue,
he'll wrestle with demons vile without pause
for that which his heart holds as true - I like these 4 lines
And sacrifice all that he has on a whim - needs some punctuation to work
in fiery feats of integrity;
but truth is a phantom, ghastly and grim,
when his reasons are in-sanity; - why are you hyphenating "insanity"? are you trying to suggest the reasons are found in his sanity and are also insane? if so then I'm not sure this works here, it's too open to interpretation
See brothers fight brothers for forests and fields, - I like this line.
treasuring but greed and pride,
And women are raped "for the pleasures it yields",
for shame my soul flees to hide.
Yea the faults of all men are to be found in their hearts
alongside their greatest virtue,
for when passion is roused, reason departs
and men heed not what they do...

At the end here I find this jumps from being an observation on what men should be from what I would see as "high ground" to becoming a judgement on what you think they are when "roused". This seems to comes across as personal experience. I would suggest you keep the high ground at the end and use the possibility of "passion" being a man's downfall as a warning thus retaining the commentary distance that you start with.

As others have noted some of the same things above, I've tried make suggestions to help...

[calypist]

I appreciated the theme of "intention versus impact" in this poem, at least, that's what I perceived. "But truth is a phantom, ghastly and grim, when his reasons are in-sanity" the in-sanity, for me, spoke of the personal truths that we hold and oftentimes inflict on others with conviction. And the presence of duality is strong, and clear, of what a man knows in his heart is right, but his nurtured virtues and capacity for reason (which is bias) coax him into betraying.

It's as though the heart represents what is quintessentially good, in the same way people are meant to turn to religion to find their virtues. Like doing what is right for the sake of doing it, rather than for the promise of reward. Here, goodness is its own reward.

I really like what you've created. I have some problems with "and not in his arms or legs," and think it would flow better if it were, "and not in his arms OR his legs," and I feel that would also add some emphasis to the idea that the heart is mightier than the sword. Where is it? Certainly not in his arms or his legs!

I'm sorry if this review sucks, I am new at this, but I'm trying, I want to get better.

[Erthona]

Just a question, why center justify? It makes the poem much more difficult to read. One of the few reasons that one would choose center justify is if it is a concert poem, and one was creating an image with the words relating symbolically or otherwise to the meaning of the poem, which does not seem to be happening here. I also noticed you cap the beginning of lines that are not the beginning of sentences, which also makes for difficult.

Nice quote.

Dale

[Beacherjosh]

I found this poem at first glance very visually appealing, but its formatting does not seem to parallel any meaning or imagery in your poem. Others have mentioned the the grammatical issues, and the clichés, But I did notice vocab repetition in your #2 and #18 line with heart. You also have vocab repetition in your #4 and #20 line. This repetition is in your rhyme scheme and it felt over used to me. I too, really like the theme of your poem! =)

[Filíocht]

Great feedback folks much appreciated, these 2 were written without any reference to what you experts call meter which ill be aware of before i post any more thrash on youre forums. Ive sat here for 3 hours trying to write a dactyl lol

Regards!

[jsoutiere92]

"Although gold dust is precious, when it gets in your eyes, it obstructs your vision." ~Hsi-Tang

Blind Desire

The strength of a man is to found in his heart,
and not in his arms or legs, - Using "nor" here is much stronger
to that which his will clings he'll never depart Use "from" instead of "to"
no matter how much reason begs!
He will live for a belief, he'll die for a cause,
this iron will's his greatest virtue,
he'll wrestle with demons vile without pause
for that which his heart holds as true
And sacrifice all that he has on a whim
in fiery feats of integrity;
but truth is a phantom, ghastly and grim,
when his reasons are insanity; I would use "insane" here
See brothers fight brothers for forests and fields,
treasuring but greed and pride,
And women are raped "for the pleasures it yields",
for shame my soul flees to hide.
Yea the faults of all men are to be found in their hearts
alongside their greatest virtue,
for when passion is roused, reason departs
and men heed not what they do...

The piece in general seems overly lofty and would benefit from a more concise organization and wording, but that is my opinion

[bgre9184]

Blind Desire

The strength of a man is to found in his heart, Lose "to"
and not in his arms or legs, I would say lose "and" as well since you are not adding what is found in a heart; rather you are stating where it is not
to that which his will clings he'll never depart
no matter how much reason begs!
He will live for a belief, he'll die for a cause, Personally I think "He'll live for a belief, die for a cause," would add more strength to this line, but I may be wrong.
this iron will's his greatest virtue,
he'll wrestle with demons vile without pause
for that which his heart holds as true
And sacrifice all that he has on a whim
in fiery feats of integrity;
but truth is a phantom, ghastly and grim,
when his reasons are insanity; "While his reasons are insane" Sounded like you were forcing a rhyme.
See brothers fight brothers for forests and fields,
treasuring but greed and pride,
And women are raped "for the pleasures it yields",
for shame my soul flees to hide.
Yea the faults of all men are to be found in their hearts Lose "yea".. unless you are holding onto a human skull while you present the poem to an audience
alongside their greatest virtue,
for when passion is roused, reason departs
and men heed not what they do... I don't know the rule on multiple periods to end a poem. To me it is something people find in text messages when they say something awkward. So I would stick with one period to let people know the poem is at its end.

Here are my suggestions. I believe the topic of the poem to be great. It is assumable that every man in life will sit down at some point and wonder "What makes a man?" and this poem speaks for it. Another thing I would like to add is about line 12. You said insanity and then go on to describe that feeling in the sentences below. Well done!

[Filíocht]

I could be a bit biased myself. But the first thing that struck me. While you have good word choice in my opinion it doesnt flow. Like you try to put too many syllables in each stanza. If thats your poetic style then thats fine with me im just used to more of an iambic parameter.as such.

"I did this, and that"
But save the other
not, for my time well spent"

It means absolutley nothing but it flows well.

if it's fine with you that's fine with me, thank's for the feedback.

[B888IE]

"Although gold dust is precious, when it gets in your eyes, it obstructs your vision." ~Hsi-Tang

Blind Desire

The strength of a man is to found in his heart, I know what this means but doesn't read properly
and not in his arms or legs,
to that which his will clings he'll never depart Like this!
no matter how much reason begs!
He will live for a belief, he'll die for a cause,
this iron will's his greatest virtue, hmm I think this line could be worded better. Maybe 'force' instead of virtue?
he'll wrestle with demons vile without pause
for that which his heart holds as true
And sacrifice all that he has on a whim
in fiery feats of integrity; it loses flow here which i'm not too keen on
but truth is a phantom, ghastly and grim, I like this
when his reasons are insanity;
See brothers fight brothers for forests and fields,
treasuring but greed and pride,
And women are raped "for the pleasures it yields",
for shame my soul flees to hide.
Yea the faults of all men are to be found in their hearts
alongside their greatest virtue,
for when passion is roused, reason departs
and men heed not what they do...

doesn't need 3 periods

[SilvanusNath]

I believe the third line should be reordered; sounds awkward. The impression left is at odds with the rest of the poem. Line seven too. I don’t think passion is the word for what you’re describing, desire fits better. Nice duality, although it is lacking in rhythm. Rhythm would make the poem more consistent. There are lines that sound very good, but it should be spread throughout the poem instead of isolated to a few lines. There are a few cliches: demons, phantom. whether it is a cliché depends on how it is used. remember that.