Sting

[azure]

Edit 1.04 (Todd & WildMel)

The stars pulsed alive that night
when I tore her cheek on the door nail,
tussling over pink panties.

Dawn brought our buddies home,
They howled as the sun rose,
warming impatience.

I waved goodbye,
and watched her dissolve
into the sweltering midday fumes
of memory.

My cells still sting with the want of her


Edit 1.03

The stars pulsed alive that night
when I tore her cheek on the door nail,
tussling over pink panties.

The dawn broke, bringing our buddies home.
They howled as the bitter sun rose,
warming impatience.

Reluctantly I waved goodbye,
and watched her dissolve into
the sweltering midday fumes
of memory.

Edit 1.02

The stars pulsed alive that night
when I tore her cheek on the door nail,
tussling over pink panties.

Dawn arrived, bringing our bawdy buddies home.
They howled as the bitter sun rose,
warming impatience.

Reluctantly I waved her goodbye,
and watched her dissolve into
the sweltering midday fumes of memory.

My cells still sting with the urge of you.


Edit 1.01

The stars pulsed alive that night
when I tore her cheek on the door nail,
tussling over pink panties I couldn’t get off in time.

Dawn arrived, bringing our bawdy buddies home.
They howled as the bitter sun rose,
warming our impatience.

Reluctantly I waved her goodbye,
and watched her dissolve into
the sweltering midday
fumes of memory

My cells still sting with the urge of you.

Original

The stars pulsed alive that night
when I tore her cheek on the door nail,
tussling over pink panties I couldn’t get off in time.

Dawn arrived,
bringing our bawdy buddies home;
young and drunk, and not left alone.

Reluctantly I waved you goodbye,
biting my lip.
My cells still sting with the want of her.

[just mercedes]

I think the edit has helped, but I still get caught up between 'her' and 'our' and 'you' -





[quote='azure' pid='179492' dateline='1416631377']
Edit 1.01

The stars pulsed alive that night
when I tore her cheek on the door nail, your?
tussling over pink panties Needed?

Dawn arrived, bringing our bawdy buddies home.
They howled as the bitter sun rose,
warming our impatience.

Reluctantly I waved her goodbye, you?
biting my lip. a little confused here as to who is biting
[i]
My cells still sting with the urge of you.
[/i]


It's almost there, I think.

[azure]

I think the edit has helped, but I still get caught up between 'her' and 'our' and 'you' -





[quote='azure' pid='179492' dateline='1416631377']
Edit 1.01

The stars pulsed alive that night
when I tore her cheek on the door nail, your?
tussling over pink panties Needed?

Dawn arrived, bringing our bawdy buddies home.
They howled as the bitter sun rose,
warming our impatience.

Reluctantly I waved her goodbye, you?
biting my lip. a little confused here as to who is biting
[i]
My cells still sting with the urge of you.
[/i]


It's almost there, I think.

Check it out now, got rid of the biting part. Don't know if I should change the 'you' in the last line? Still thinking...

[azure]

Dropped the italic line altogether and spruced up L4. Thanks for your critique Mercedes.

[WildMel]

I prefer the original. I always do in most cases. The end of the original makes me feel the ache and desperation a little more, and the poem in it's entirety just makes so much more sense. It gives a clearer picture of what had happened; being interrupted.

[Todd]

A couple minor comments for your consideration:

Edit 1.03

The stars pulsed alive that night
when I tore her cheek on the door nail,
tussling over pink panties. --No issues in this strophe.

The dawn broke, bringing our buddies home.--The dawn broke is a pretty common phrase. Condensing to "The dawn brought our buddies home" or something like that might make the phrasing more interesting.
They howled as the bitter sun rose,--Bitter is a pretty telling comment. Any way to convey the idea in the image without using the adjective directly. Howl is an interesting word since you usually see it associated with the moon.
warming impatience.

Reluctantly I waved goodbye,--Reluctantly feels like an easy choice here. It is telling. Try to capture the idea in the action itself or the tone. Being able to remove most adverbs tends to improve the poem. I think even simply cutting the word with no other changes would improve the line. That said, you may need to work a bit to add reluctance into the gesture. Just thoughts. 
and watched her dissolve into--dissolve would make a much better line break. It's just stronger than a weak word like into. 
the sweltering midday fumes
of memory.

Hope some of that helps.

Best,

Todd

[azure]

A couple minor comments for your consideration:

Edit 1.03

The stars pulsed alive that night
when I tore her cheek on the door nail,
tussling over pink panties. --No issues in this strophe.

The dawn broke, bringing our buddies home.--The dawn broke is a pretty common phrase. Condensing to "The dawn brought our buddies home" or something like that might make the phrasing more interesting.
They howled as the bitter sun rose,--Bitter is a pretty telling comment. Any way to convey the idea in the image without using the adjective directly. Howl is an interesting word since you usually see it associated with the moon.
warming impatience.

Reluctantly I waved goodbye,--Reluctantly feels like an easy choice here. It is telling. Try to capture the idea in the action itself or the tone. Being able to remove most adverbs tends to improve the poem. I think even simply cutting the word with no other changes would improve the line. That said, you may need to work a bit to add reluctance into the gesture. Just thoughts. 
and watched her dissolve into--dissolve would make a much better line break. It's just stronger than a weak word like into. 
the sweltering midday fumes
of memory.

Hope some of that helps.

Best,

Todd

Thank you for taking the time to crit this piece. Will be applying your suggestions soon. I usually get stuck when editing my poems, and what happens is an outcrop of forced writing... I rush the process and forget disciplining my expression.